Query Critique: PRIME

Original Query

Dear Awesome Agent,

In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.

A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts makes her a freak. And the fact that those original parts are covered with tribal scars, received as punishment for crimes against the tribe, makes Ravin untouchable.

When she is harvested for full-body recycling she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.

Terrified by the thought of swapping form a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough but he’s escaped before. When their comm plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body, and heart, can endure to save them, or die trying.

PRIME is a Brave New World meets Frankenstein Sci Fi, with strong romantic elements, complete at 61k words.

Edited Query

Dear Awesome Agent: (colon, not a comma)

In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency Your first sentence has tense issues. I would go with 'In the near future, the sale of body parts will be legalized and biology will become the new currency.'. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.

A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts, and that makes her a freak. The fact that those original parts are covered with markings received as punishment for crimes against the tribe makes her untouchable.

When she is harvested for full-body recycling (Why is she harvested for full body recycling? For money? Why not just sell an arm and 'secure' her future?) comma she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention comma until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.

Terrified by the thought of swapping from a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough comma but he’s escaped before. When their escape plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body and heart no commas here can endure in order to save them, I'd like to know a bit more about what Ravin has to do to save them. Even a little hit would really drive this last paragraph home. I'd tack that sentence on to the end a leave us with the 'or die trying' you had initially.

PRIME is a 61k word Sci fi with strong romantic elements. It is best described as Brave New World meets Frankenstein.

Great query. You have a lot of good stuff here. Good luck with your NOQS requests. Keep us posted.