Query Critique: PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES

Original Query:

Dear Mr. Anthony:

I am writing to you seeking representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end.

Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck.

When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. Getting her life back becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when another scorned housewife joins her cause to reclaim what’s rightfully hers, things really go awry.

Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work, and framing his mistress in the process. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves. She’s a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if she can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in prison instead.

I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense.
I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

Cara


Edited Version:

Dear Mr. Anthony:

I am writing to you to seek representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end. Not a huge fan of revealing the fact that there is a twist at the end, but that may be a personal issue. 

Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood Great opening.. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps I don't like this sentence. It doesn't fit as nicely as your other sentences. I would cut it completely and move on to your next sentence. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck. This should be 'Faithful husband, uncheck'. The way it's written is like your MC wants her husband to cheat. ie Cheating Husband-check (that means he has a cheating husband)

When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. I love your voice. Great job. Getting her husband back and punishing his mistress becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when (name of character) joins her cause to reclaim the faith of the man she married, things really go awry. (I altered this sentence a little because I had a lot of questions here initially. Then I reread your query and understood what you were trying to say. It's written clearly if you already know your story, but for someone being introduced to it, it got a little tricky. I tried to clarify that it's two women and two husbands rather than two women and one husband. 

Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work no comma and framing his mistress in the process. I've been back and forth with this sentence. I like it but I feel like it would flow better as two sentences. Ask for a second opinion though before you change it. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves; she's a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if (name of character) can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in Bedford Hills Women's Correctional (I felt like naming an actual prison would be stronger and ground your story better. Bedford Hills is a max. security women's prison in NY)

I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense. I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon. (No exclamation point. This IS a business letter after all.)

Sincerely,
No space here unless you're mailing your query. This space is for signatures. It isn't needed if you're emailing.
Cara

Hope this helps...and I hope you don't mind be posting this to my blog. If you do, give me a shout and I'll take it down.