Query Critique: THE OATH TAKER

Original query: 

While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally.

Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world.

But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. 

Edited query:

While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally. This first paragraph has nothing that makes my ears perk up. The sister's suicide holds no emotional weight because I don't know either the sister or the main character. If you want to make this work, you have to dredge up those universal emotions concerning death of a loved one and personify it using the sister as your catalyst. Hard to do in a few words, but very possible.

Your last two sentences only serves to confuse because I have no idea how a person can literally be a river of hell--side note: capitalize Hell so we know you're referring to the place. 

The lack of voice is made glaringly apparent by the use of the single word sentence at the end. It could work, but not with your current word choice. Word choice is a very important tool that engages the reader and helps them get inside your MC's head. Everyone has a style, a pattern, a rhythm to their voice and word choice. Try to capture that and let it show in your query. 


Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. This first sentence is telling what's happening in your story rather than showing and engaging the reader. It seems to me that your query (and possibly your story) would benefit if you started AFTER she discovers she's the River Styx and work the back story in briefly so this doesn't seem like a 'chosen one' novel. I've read several agent interview that state they are sick of seeing 'chosen one' novels. I don't know if it's a trend or just personal taste. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. How did they escape and why is it Morgan's job to exorcise them? I have no idea what the River Styx is so you have to drop hints here and there to clarify the greek? mythology. Agents may not have time to do research on your query. Also, you have a telling vs. showing issue with this sentence as well Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. Just like in your first paragraph, this sentence only serves to exaggerate the lack of voice in the rest of your query. Once again, it'll work, but you need to add personality to the rest of your sentences. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world. These four sentences came out of nowhere. I know you're trying to add another dimension to your character's struggle, but each added dimension has to have a track record in your query. It can't just be mentioned once. If it is, it's not important enough to be in your query.

But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. Why did they kill an eleven year old? As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. Trains how? Who was she? Who is she? and who does she need to be? When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. The answers to what? This last sentence confuses me. I don't know what you mean by Hell having no Furies. As for describing a suicide as a coincidence, that seems kind of...heartless to me. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. Forgiveness?

This last paragraph asks a lot more questions than it answers. You need a clearer outlining of the stakes and what it is your character needs to do to defeat the Furies as well as why she's doing it. Guilt, IMO, is not a strong enough motivator to hinge someone's actions on. 

This reads a lot like a brief synopsis rather than an enticing query. Read the back cover of some books as well as successful queries to get a good idea of what info is necessary and how to leave the reader wanting more.

Hope this helps. Good luck!