Nov 15, 2013

Query Critique: THE ALLIANCE

Original query:

Dear AGENT,

Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields, the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. 

Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father.

Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip.

Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust into the middle of a brewing civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors.

As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand, two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict. Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with.

Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. 

THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words



With edits:

Dear AGENT, colon, not a comma.

Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. Your hook loses steam at the second 'and'. Shorten the first sentence to keep the energy alive. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields (That's a pretty big discovery for your MC AND the reader. With the reveal so early in your query and w/o any explanation as to his power's origin, it's a stretch for the reader to just accept it.), the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. (This is a big bite for the reader to swallow as well. I needed a better understanding of the events that trigger your story. Right now, you're just telling us highlights but it's those small things that connect everything in a manner that makes sense. For instance, your MC's powers don't trigger a civil war. People's response to his abilities trigger the war. Be careful though. Don't weigh your query down with details. 


It's a delicate balance.

Also, I would eliminate the morals vs. heart bit. Show us that struggle, don't tell us.

Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father. Lists aren't good in queries. Break the info up and spread it out.

Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip. This paragraph attempts to set up the dynamic between father and son but it fall short of the flare that keeps my attention. The first four words pretty much sum up the majority of this paragraph. The rest is just filler. If you reorganize this sentence to put emphasis on WHY he hates his father rather than the fact THAT he hates his father, it would keep the energy of your query alive. 


Use the same language and style in your query that you would use to express fast-paced action in your story.
Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust Struggling to control his powers, Jace is thrusted (That's not the best replacement for this sentence, but what I wanted to show you is that you're wasting space on useless words. Get to the point, don't dance around it.) into the middle of a brewing (I don't like the word brewing here. I'd cut it. That simple word only adds more question.) civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors. This sentence just expanded your story that much further. Now you're talking of two wars going on, not one. You have civil war on one hand and war with an alien species on the other. Unless you're really saying that human have enslave other humans as well as aliens (and the human and alien slaves are uniting to fight the human oppressors). In any case, that needs to be clarified.

As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand (How his Jace starting to understand him? And does that mean Jace accepted his father's recruitment? If so, why?), two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict (The problem with having two love interests in a story of this scope is fleshing out both women enough for the reader to be torn too. It's not enough for JUST Jace to be torn.) . Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with. In the first paragraph you've told us that Jace loathes slavery. I don't understand how a crush can lessen his hatred of enslavement.

Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. (Show me the lesson here don't tell me it. I want to know HOW Jace learns this. The fact THAT he learns it means nothing to me.) Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. This last sentence reads like Hawk dies somewhere in the story. Whether or not that's the case, you're still offering too much info. Also, I had to read it half a dozen times to figure out what you meant, and I still don't have a good grasp of what you're trying to say. 


Lastly, Jace's powers don't seem to fit with your story and, from your query, it doesn't seem like I'd get an adequate explanation of their origin. I understand his abilities captured the eye of his father, but after that...you don't mention them again in a way that's important to your story.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words

Take this critique with a grain of salt. I'm just one person and this is one opinion. Good luck.

1 comment :

  1. I think my main issue with this is that i had trouble identifying the stakes. I get that there's a war, and a love triangle, and tensions with his father, but I just don't know what all that means. What happens if he chooses side A? Side B?

    Sometimes when you refer to Jace's father, it isn't immediately clear that you're talking about the same person (ie As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand...") Of course I figured it out, but it should be apparent the first read.

    The name Jace makes me think of The Mortal Instruments. Doesn't really matter, but I thought I'd throw it out there :)

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