Query Critique: WALLS OF INFINITY

Original query:

Dear Tyrion Lannister:

Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago.

All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that filthy pig, his father.

He has been preparing all his life to confront his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer. His only clue is something that the pig dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig.

Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions. 

My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words. The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Xander Ironheart

With edits:

Dear Tyrion Lannister:

Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago. Nice, strong open. 

All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that his filthy pig of a , his father.

He has He's been preparing all his life to confront him his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy (comma) and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer (That bit is unneeded and cliche. I'd mention he's the champion of 'the game' here to have more room to describe the game below). His only clue is something ('something' is very vague. Too vague for a query. What is that something?) that the pig (This may be a personal quip, but I don't much like the continued reference to Eric's father as a pig) dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig. (This is the third mention of a pig. I understand you're trying to add voice, but I feel like it can be done more subtly. Also, your wording is a little confusing. At this point, I don't know if Azal is Eric's father or someone equally as 'filthy'. Clarification in a query is key. Don't leave room for questions unless those questions serve to entice the reader. This question just confuses me.)

Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell (Capitalize Hell to clarify that it's the place you're referring to.) with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. Everything you have before this, I like. Needs to be tweaked a bit, but I like it. From 'But' to 'millions' you lost me. To answer your question, yes, the game needs to be clarified. I'm guessing that most of your story takes place inside this game and if we don't know anything about it, we don't know about a large portion of your story.  But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares (Cliches are query kryptonite. Avoid them at all cost.) are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions (Where are these monsters and millions coming from. You need to make mention of them early on if you want to include them. Otherwise, cut it and expand on the consequence of winning/losing the game and facing his father.). 

My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words (Word count's getting into epic fantasy territory so I would throw the word 'epic' in here since that's what your story seems to be. Also, try to cut words wherever possible. 110-115K is more reasonable for a first novel). The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones (Whoa, your comparisons are really ballsy. They're so ballsy that you don't even have to mention authors and everyone knows who wrote them. Comparison titles are okay, but it is always a good idea to avoid exceptionally well-known titles (especially HP) such as these. Also, comp titles should be something an agent has represented. Make sure you've read the work and it IS, in fact, similar to your work. Otherwise, cut the comparison.. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards lowercase 'r' in regards followed by a comma.
Xander Ironheart 'Sign' your query using your real name not a pen name. And if this happens to be your real name, you have the coolest parents in the world.