First THREE people to offer critiques on my query will receive a query critique in return. If you want, I'll even post your query to my blog for public critique. Let me know if you're BRAVE enough for it. Critique will be completed before Thanksgiving but I'll aim to finish them before Monday.
If you've received a crit from me within the last month, I'd love to hear your advice but this critique opportunity is for newish queries.
Special consideration if you write a longer critique (I'm taking a few paragraphs). Comment the time you start the critique first (ie Started 7:27pm) then comment the actual critique. I'll consider the time you started rather than the time you finished.
My Query:
Slave to an alcoholic father and therapist to an emotionally dependent brother, sixteen-year-old Damien Crown is the glue holding the shattered pieces of his family together. Between quelling his dad’s rage after happy hour and maneuvering around his brother's tender emotional state, Damien doesn’t have time for friends or school.
Until he wakes up dead.
Killed by an out-of-control driver, not only does Damien wake up in a new body but he also gets a life-coach. Ironically, that life-coach is Death. Granted one more year at life as a new kid in his old school, Damien is no longer bound by the responsibilities of family. No father, no brother, no stress, right?
Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. Only this time, he’s forbidden to make any contact under Death’s promise of ‘dire consequences’. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. (One more sentence to drive the stakes home. Been working on it for ages. Haven’t quite got it.)
MY BEST FRIEND, DEATH is a 64,000 word Contemporary Paranormal? that would blah blah blah. Bio…
Sincerely,
Seymore Butts
I'm not sure if the word - "Slave to an alcoholic father", is conveying what you mean. Does he do whatever his dad says to satiate his every need, because the next line you say - he quells his anger, so he does have some power over his dad. Suggestion: "Trapped at home with his alcoholic father and emotionally unstable brother,"
ReplyDeleteSince you already say his emotionally dependent brother, can you tell us why he's emotionally dependent in the next line, i.e. tender emotional state, because this is kind of repetitive. Suggestion:"and maneuvering around his brother's autism fits" - or whatever they may be?
I like "Until he wakes up dead" but I think it should be tacked onto the last paragraph, perhaps with a semi-colon after school.
The sentence starting - Granted...is difficult to understand. I had to read it a couple of times. I would flip the sentence around, starting with Damien is no longer bound by ... rework it that way?
further "into" depression.
Last line: Damien is caught between living his new lie and fixing his old one, but will Death beat him to the punch? (I don't know if that will work, but I just thought it sounded good! And I think we have to know the stakes with his coach and if he has a bearing on the outcome of the story)
Thank you! You may send me your query via my contact me page and I'll get it back to you by Monday.
DeleteDear Red Ranger:
ReplyDelete[lol I liked power rangers as a kid.]
Slave to an alcoholic father and therapist to an emotionally dependent brother, sixteen-year-old Damien Crown is the glue holding the shattered pieces of his family together. Between quelling his dad’s rage after happy hour and maneuvering around his brother's tender emotional state, Damien doesn’t have time for friends or school.
Until he wakes up dead.
[okay, the punch took this long, but it’s fine, totally fine]
Killed by an out-of-control driver, not only does Damien wake up in a new body but he also gets a life-coach. Ironically, that life-coach is Death. Granted one more year at life as a new kid in his old school, Damien is no longer bound by the responsibilities of family. No father, no brother, no stress, right?
Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. Only this time, he’s forbidden to make any contact under Death’s promise of ‘dire consequences’. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. (One more sentence to drive the stakes home. Been working on it for ages. Haven’t quite got it.)
[you can leave out ‘from the sideline’ if you want. And is he ‘forced’ to watch it? You might want to rephrase that sentence. This sentence also suffers from “is caught between” syndrome like many queries. Replace that cliché if you want to, although it seems fine. I don’t think that you need that one more sentence. You just need to fix that last sentence. You might write something like ‘if Damien doesn’t do something soon, his brother would run out of bandages and bleed out his life’ in the end if you want. Or ‘if Damien doesn’t do anything soon, no bandage would be able to save his brother’s life.’]
MY BEST FRIEND, DEATH is a 64,000 word Contemporary Paranormal? that would blah blah blah. Bio…
[I would advice you to complete this para also. It’s possible to miss a thing or two and make typos in “blah blah blah”]
[I’m not sure about the voice in this query. There is only some, but the query is fine anyway.]
Sincerely,
Seymore Butts
[if this is your real name, it’s very cool IMO. I wonder why you choose a pen name for blog and twitter]
[I congratulate you and thank you for taking up this theme. It’s very rare for male writers to write on this subject. I see hundreds of female youtubers and writers talking about this, but you are one of the few male writers…. Well… you know what I mean. It needs balls, and you have them. I didn’t pay attention to all the tiny mistakes, although I couldn’t find any. I find the story very interesting. The idea is fresh and different, and that will sell your query. I’m expecting huge number of requests for this query. Good luck. And I won’t bore you again with my query again in exchange for this critique, but if you do feel that you owe me a query critique for this, you can critique my query in future when I finish another book. :D Hehe]
Lol. Seymore Butts (See more butts) is not my real name; just a funny play on words.
DeleteWhen you're have another query, send away. I'll give it a looking over.
Hi Mike,
ReplyDeleteLove doing critting query letters so here are my thoughts:
Dear Red Ranger:
(Slave to an alcoholic father and therapist to an emotionally dependent brother, - I read somewhere, on some site, that clauses on the front of sentences like this can come accross as clumsy because it seems like you are front loading details because we know who we are talking about. It works here if you aremarried to it, but I think you can cut it and start with 'sixteen-year-old....') Sixteen-year-old Damien Crown is the glue holding the shattered pieces of his family together. Between quelling his dad’s rage after happy hour (Something about 'Rage' and 'happy hour' don't mix well for me. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of the words 'happy' and 'rage', IDK. Is there another word you could use to describe his drinking? Like 'daily beer binge' or something?) and maneuvering around his brother's tender emotional state, Damien doesn’t have time for friends or school. (See - you've described both the father, the brother, and the MC without the need for front loading details in the clause. I'd totally cut it. I think the paragraph is stronger without it :)!)
Until he wakes up dead. (this is an interesting premise. First, how can he 'wake up' if he's dead? Second, this implies he doens't have time from friends until he is dead....which seems weird because as a dead guy i can't imagine him making friends. the statement is very grabby but I think it could be refined so it presents less contradictions. What if you said something like 'He has no time for homework and chores, let alone a life, Until he wakes up in the afterlife with an eternity on his hands.' Idk, that's rough, but you know what I mean. Dead seems final. 'afterlife' implies he has a second life. Just a thought)
Killed by an out-of-control driver, not only does Damien wake up in a new body but he also gets a life-coach. (why? Is he reincarnated? Is a life coach standard issue?) Ironically, that life-coach is Death. (cut this linne about the life coach being death...maybe say he's granted an 'otherwordly life-coach' or something like that. Don't give away the fact that a grim reaper is his life coach yet.) Granted one more year at life as a new kid in his old school, Damien is no longer bound by the responsibilities of family. No father, no brother, no stress, right?
Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. Only this time, (his life-coach) forbid(s) him to make any contact. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in(to) depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. (One more sentence to drive the stakes home. Been working on it for ages. Haven’t quite got it.)
MY BEST FRIEND, DEATH is a 64,000 word Contemporary Paranormal (what about calling this magical realism? it's a contemp setting with magical elements....isn't that magical realism? IDK, but it's a thought) that would blah blah blah. Bio…
Sincerely,
Seymore Butts (lol)
I like it, dark and complex with magical elements. Sounds like fun. I think you might want to wait to reveal that his 'spirit guide' is Death. When you do reveal this fact you can drive home the issue - Death is capable of taking away everything he has - his second chance. His ultimate struggle is between living the second chance life he's earned through his suffering in his first life or sacrificing everything to ensure his brother has a better first life. It's a tough place to be.
Great start and I hope my thoughts help. As always, feel free to ignore anything that doesn't resonate :)
Thanks for the critique. Gave me some things to think about. I'll happily return the favor if you'd like. Send your query via my contact me page and I'll get it back to you by Monday.
DeleteDear Seymore Butts (love it),
ReplyDeleteYou had me until your title. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, but I wanted to be honest. To soften the blow, my critique group didn't like my first title AT ALL (I'm going to cry here, no, I'm okay), they liked my second (I didn't), and after much stress on my part everyone likes the third. (but it's probably the 12th, really)
Title options? I like something along the lines of DEATH IS MY LIFE COACH. I'm not saying you'll like it (or anyone else, for that matter). But the best friend thing took me "out of the query".
Other comments:
LOVE the first three paragraphs
suggested edits on the fourth:
Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. GOOD Only this time, he’s forbidden to make any contact under Death’s THREAT MAKES MORE SENSE TO ME THAN PROMISE of ‘dire consequences’. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. GOOD-- NOW I HAVEN'T READ YOUR BOOK, BUT AS I READ THIS QUERY I'M WONDERING ABOUT HIS NEW LIFE. MAYBE YOUR LAST SENTENCE SHOULD BE ABOUT THAT. DOES HE HAVE A FAMILY? DOES HE JUST EXIST AT SCHOOL? IF HE DOES HAVE A FAMILY, DO THEY HAVE PROBLEMS OF THEIR OWN? WHAT ABOUT HIS DAD? OR ARE WE NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE BECAUSE HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC? (HARSH) THESE ARE THE TYPES OF QUESTIONS MY MIND IS ASKING RIGHT NOW
Best of luck with this--Ann
Thanks Ann. You know, I woke up this morning and I swear my first thought was of how much I really like my title. Though the query doesn't show it, Damien and Death become very good friends. For the sake of space and importance, I decided to keep that out.
DeleteAs for adding to the last paragraph, we are definitely on the same wavelength. I just added info about his new life.
If you'd like me to critique your query, send it to me via my contact me page and I'll try to get it back to you by Monday.
Thanks again.
I really am sorry for raining on your parade. You're quite right that I don't know the full importance of the title.
ReplyDeleteMy title started as THE DROWNINGS (depressing, I know) and ended as HOW TO DATE DEAD GUYS. I'm thrilled to say that it's getting published summer 2014, so for the moment I don't have a query for you! (But my ulcers are still healing from the last six plus months... )
I enjoy your blog and hope you have a great day! Ann
No need to apologize. We're all trying to help each other out here. Congrats on getting published. Despite the ulcers, you must be on cloud nine now. I'll be sure to look for your book.
DeleteMaybe we could do a blog interview to help promote?
I have to admit, I like the second title (or twelfth, but who's counting) better. Good luck and thanks for everything.
Haha. I'm well aware my first title was not a winner.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to do an interview! Thanks for the offer.
Again, best of luck with this. It sounds like a good premise. If it's true that it's rare for male authors to broach this subject, that may be in your favor.
That said, "may the odds be ever in your favor". Can't wait to see the movie. Are you a fan?
I'll throw some questions together and shoot you an email sometime after Thanksgiving. Shoot me an email via my contact me page so I have your email address on hand.
DeleteAnd YES. HUGE fan. I'm going to go see it today provided I finish making dinner early enough. Fingers crossed.