Title: Strung Along
Word Count: 51,000
Genre: YA Contemporary
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Sarah Avery has always been a violinist, ever since her mother took her to a symphony performance when she was seven. But now her mother is dead, and Sarah’s violin is her only salvation. Her violin means safety, it means Juilliard, it means an escape from her lecherous uncle and ignorant aunt. That is, if Sarah can get in.
But the audition itself isn’t the only thing standing in Sarah’s way. Not when the school guidance counselor forces her to tutor another student for credit hours: Sawyer Cavallo, a self-described fat queer punk with a blue violin and her own share of secrets. Who, to Sarah’s surprise, ends up becoming a friend—even if she is one Sarah can’t afford. Friends get too close. Friends notice things that are off, things that Sarah would rather keep hidden. Things that she has to keep hidden.
Because if her uncle finds out she plans to leave him, he very well may kill her.
First 250:
My eyes are closed.
Violin music resonates around me, Bach’s Sonata in G minor filling the room, my body, notes wrapping me in a cocoon. My bow is merely an extension of my arm, my fingers press down on the strings at the exact moment they need to make something exquisite, something perfect. This, this is what I live for, this music that makes me feel like I’m in Carnegie Hall, I’m a soloist for a great symphony, I’m—
I’m perfect.
No—I’m safe.
“Miss Avery?”
I start, open my eyes. Mrs. Canady, the music teacher turned guidance counselor, stands in front of me.
“Are you okay?” she asks, the bangles on her wrist clinking dissonantly as she waves her arm.
“You scared me,” I say.
She shrugs, a halfhearted almost-apology. “I didn’t mean to disrupt your practice, but I need a favor.”
I flinch.
I don’t do favors.
“What?” I ask as I stand up. I tower over Mrs. Canady, so much I can begin to see her scalp through her straw-thin hair.
But the way she’s looking at me makes me feel small.
“You’re very talented,” she says. “I was wondering what your plans were after here.”
“I… I haven’t really…”
“You’d be doing yourself a disservice if you weren’t at least considering music,” she continues. “You’re good enough for Juilliard.”
My face burns.
Juilliard.
I don’t want anyone to know about Juilliard.
VERSUS
Entry Nickname: Shalom Sasquatch
Title: Sasquatch, Love, and Other Imaginary Things
Word count: 77K
Genre: YA Contemporary Romance
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Samantha Berger is pretty sure most nice Jewish girls aren’t forced by their families to compete in Bigfoot hunts, especially on national T.V. Just when Sam thinks she couldn’t be more humiliated by her parents’ hobby, she meets the competition: a team of snobby anthropology students from Yale who are set on wiping the floor with her amateur “Squatch” hunting family.
The captain of the other team, Devan Mehta, is impossibly cute in a Bollywood Romeo-meets-Sherlock Holmes sort of way — until he opens his perfect British mouth and calls her family a bunch of low-class wankers. Sam’s no longer just embarrassed. She’s livid, and determined to beat the ascot off Devan and his crew. After all, the prize money will allow her to study pre-med at the college of her dreams, far from Yetis and Yaleies.
Thrown together by the producers, Sam and Devan bond over family pressures, geek out over fantasy fiction, and learn how to rely on each other. In a moment of honesty, Devan admits he may be kicked out of his anthropology program if his team fails and Sam worries about paying for college if she doesn’t win. Before they know it, understanding turns into attraction and a steamy snogging session. But if Sam doesn’t want Devan kicked out of Yale, she’ll have to help him win. Now, as the competition heats up, Sam must choose between her ridiculous family and Devan, who might be perfect for her. Suddenly, finding Bigfoot is just one of Sam’s hairy problems.
First 250:
On a good day, my parents were just mildly embarrassing. The day the camera crew came to our house was not a good day.
I squinted at the bright lights illuminating our dingy living room, and turned to my older sister, Sophie. “Hunting Bigfoot in private isn’t bad enough?” I whispered. “Now Mom and Dad have to humiliate us on national television?”
Colin, the producer of a new TV show called “Myth Gnomers,” stood behind our scratched up coffee table shooting pre-interviews with my parents, me, and my two sisters. All five of us squished together on our stained, saggy brown couch, smiles frozen in place. At least our butts hid the holes in the upholstery.
The awful title of this lame reality show should’ve served as an obvious warning we were about to do something ridiculous, but nope, it sure didn’t.
“Checking. Checking one, two. Your mics should all be on now.” Colin peered over the camera at my parents’ matching neon green shirts that read, “Ohio is Bigfoot Country.”
My mom’s smile tightened. She glared and gestured at me until I put on a Northern Ohio Bigfoot Society hat like my sisters. Each Sasquatch club designed their own logo. My tacky trucker cap had a cartoon footprint and a motto on it in Latin— which probably translates to “We have nothing better to do.”
I pulled the brim down over my eyes, and sunk down, wishing I could join the pennies and crumbs hiding in the crevices of the sofa.
Judges, reply here with your comment and vote.
ReplyDeleteCaprice No. 13
DeleteQuery: I know you got some feedback during the first round that some judges/readers thought the aunt was also lecherous due to confusing wording, and I like that you edited to "lecherous uncle and ignorant aunt." It's much clearer, and also has a great smooth flow to it. I also LOVE your new second paragraph--it feels much edgier and has more voice than it did in the first round, and I also like that it describes her new friend better (and makes her sound so much more interesting!). Still love the last paragraph's one-line hook. I think your query is great as it is--excellent work on the revisions!
First 250: The line "Violin music resonates around me, Bach’s Sonata in G minor filling the room, my body, notes wrapping me in a cocoon" read a little awkwardly to me, especially the second half of the sentence. Maybe re-wording it to something like "...filling the room, saturating my body. The notes wrap me in a cocoon" might be clearer? I still love the "I'm perfect. No--I'm safe" lines--lovely voice and just the suggestion of some darkness.
Shalom Sasquatch
Query: Mwahahaha! The first paragraph made me grin. This sounds so crazy and unique (and yet I already see clear conflict, stakes, and a potential love-interest that sounds awesome). I'm immediately drawn in. And Bollywood Romeo-meets-Sherlock-Holmes? EXCELLENT. You have fabulous voice in here (beat the ascot off Devan, being far away from Yetis and Yaleies), and you sneak her motivation (getting into a good college) in very nicely as well. One suggestion: I don't think you need the "But if Sam doesn’t want Devan kicked out of Yale, she’ll have to help him win" line, because it's already been implied beforehand and is a bit redundant, and also because it made me wonder why she's automatically the one who'll have to help him win instead of the other way around. I think the query flows more smoothly without it, in any case.
First 250: In the line where they're squished together on the couch, I was confused as to whether it's an action they're performing now (in which case, it seemed like an abrupt transition from presumably standing and looking at the lights) or whether you meant that the five of them are currently squished together on the couch (in which case, you're missing a verb: "All five of us WERE squished together..."). I love the line about the Latin motto and what it probably meant!
My decision: man, this is a tough one! These two are so good in completely different ways. Caprice No. 13 feels flowing and elegant, with hints of darkness. Shalom Sasquatch feels like a fun romp with an awesome romance. Both writers are very talented, and I think both are very, very close to getting agents. In the end, I think this match is going to come down to subjectivity and market variables. That being said, Shalom Sasquatch has a much more unique premise, while Caprice No. 13 feels more like a variation on several common contemporary themes (though I love the "fat queer punk with a blue violin" character). So: VICTORY TO SHALOM SASQUATCH!
You guys are really making this difficult -- these are both so good, I hate to have to choose between them.
DeleteJust a little feedback --
STRUNG ALONG:
Query -- The query is strong as is. One tweak -- "But now her mother is dead, and Sarah’s violin is her only salvation" could be tightened a bit -- "But with her mother dead, Sarah's violin is her only salvation." Other minor tweaks to consider -- in this section: "Who, to Sarah’s surprise, ends up becoming a friend—even if she is one Sarah can’t afford. Friends get too close. Friends notice things that are off, things that Sarah would rather keep hidden. Things that she has to keep hidden" I think you could cut all of the "that"s and perhaps make "she is" a contraction "she's" to make it sound a little less formal. Also, in the last sentence -- "he very well may kill her" made me stumble. I kept wanting to read it as "he may very well kill her." (I actually think you could just say "he may kill her" -- simplify for more punch.)
First 250 Words:
Very evocative prose. I don't see much to change, though you might consider dropping a few dialogue tags. (Not really needed after "You scared me" for example. Also you could simply say something like "“What?” I stand, towering over Mrs. Canady. I can see her scalp through her straw-thin hair." Don't really need a dialogue tag there with the action, and I'd avoid words like "begin to", "start to," "try to", etc. whenever possible.
SASQUATCH, LOVE, AND OTHER IMAGINARY THINGS:
Query -- Great query with lots of voice. I think you could tighten it up a bit without losing what makes it good -- one example: "and Devan, who might be perfect for her" could simply end at "Devan." The "who might be perfect for her" is obvious from your previous sentences.
First 250 Words:
Really strong -- I get a sense of the MC and her situation immediately. Nice use of humor without forcing it. I think, again, there are a few tiny places to tighten: maybe drop "just" from the first sentence. Also, I'd consider another word for "sunk down" in the last sentence, because otherwise you have two uses of "down" in the same sentence. ("slumped" might work).
This is VERY DIFFICULT. I love both these entries, and I'm sure agents will snatch them up. But since I have to vote, I'll pick the one that drew me into its setting and MC the fastest, so --
VICTORY to SASQUATCH, LOVE, AND OTHER IMAGINARY THINGS
Caprice No. 13: I liked this before and it hasn't changed much, although the query is a little smoother, so nothing much to say but good job.
DeleteShalom Sasquatch: Query: This sounds like a really fun story. Multicultural, embarrassing parents, reality shows, romance, good stakes, not to mention sasquatches! Your query would make me want to read it. A couple of things: I don't know what an ascot is (that's probably just me); and your final para goes on a bit. I think you could edit it down and smooth it out a bit.
First page: Great opening para. After that the scene is good, especially love the embarrassing parents, nice touch with the holey couch, and the line about the motto made me laugh. However I wonder whether the scene wouldn't come alive a bit more if you took us into it all just a touch more slowly, letting us meet the camera crew and family in detail a touch more, finding out whether her parents sprung this on her or if she knew it was coming and had been dreading it for a while, painting a bit more of a picture of where she lives. And getting to know our MC a bit more too, apart from her just in relation to her parents.
But, that's subjective, overall this is still a good opening page and I'd want to read on.
These are both very good, but imo Sasquatch has more voice and originality, so victory to Shalom Sasquatch.
CAPRICE NO. 13
DeleteI’m really intrigued by the characters. In the query, the first line gave me pause. It says she’s “always been a violinist”, but only since she went to a performance at seven. Maybe take out the always.
In the last line, maybe tighten a bit since this is written from her POV. This is what she thinks. It’s her motivation for keeping things hidden. “Because if her uncle finds out she plans to leave him, he’ll (delete-very well may) kill her.
You laid out some interesting personal stakes for Sarah, and I’m curious about her life now that her mother has passed. I’m also curious to meet Sawyer. This will be an interesting journey for the reader.
I enjoyed the first 250. You set the stage well. Maybe remove the filtering in “I tower over Mrs. Canady, so much I can (delete-begin to) see her scalp through her straw-thin hair.” I like the ending sentence. Makes me curious to know why she doesn’t want anyone to know about Juilliard. Nice job.
SHALOM SASQUATCH
Gosh, I love everything about this query and 250. I love the voice. You set the scene well. I can tell this will be a nice blend of humor and romance. Hope Sasquatch makes an appearance.
Regarding the third paragraph in the query, the flow feels off. Maybe rearrange: “Thrown together by the producers, Sam and Devan bond over family pressures, geek out over fantasy fiction, and learn how to rely on each other. Before they know it, understanding turns into attraction and a steamy snogging session.”
“But if Sam doesn’t want Devan kicked out of Yale, she’ll have to help him win.” Maybe “If Sam does want Devan to get kicked out of Yale…”
These are two wonderful stories. It was hard to choose, but I’m a sucker for humor.
Victory to SHALOM SASQUATCH
Wow, 2 excellent pieces competing here.
DeleteCAPRICE #13
Your query does a good job of giving the agent/reader an idea of what your novel is about, without over explaining things. There is a slight disconnect between the writing in your query and your first 250 words. I wish we had a slightly stronger sense of the voice of Sarah in the query. That said, I think it's a solid query that doesn't waste anyone's time.
First 250 words:
Your sentence "Violin music resonates around me, Bach’s Sonata in G minor filling the room, my body, notes wrapping me in a cocoon." is very evocative, however, it's also a bit convoluted. Read it aloud, and see how it feels. First pages are important, it sets the expectations of agents/publishers/readers so make sure you aren't getting in your own way.
I like Sarah's thoughts that interject the dialogue, it helps build tension as we get a sense that Sarah has some issues. There might be a bit too much of it though, sometimes too many thoughts between lines of dialogue make the reader get lost. It can make it hard to hear the conversation in your head. Your section between "What" and "You're very talented." is an example of this. I love the content, but you could spread it out a bit. You can let the dialogue do some of the work for you.
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SHALOM SASQUATCH
Query: So what I love about this query is that I've got an immediate feel for Samantha's voice. The plot is goofy and charming, and you've got characters to match. That said, you can also tell there is heart in this story. My only issue with the query is that it seems a little long. I feel like you're explaining more than you need to. I think once you make it clear what the stakes are, you can just cut to your final hook.
First 250 words
Your first 250 words are well written, but I feel like we are a little bogged down in set up. Given the plot and the query, I expected Samantha to a bit louder (though I can see why she wouldn't be in this situation). You have wonderful details that tell us a lot without over explaining it. The detail about the posteriors hiding holes in the upholstery is particularly revealing. I did find it a little odd Sophie didn't respond to Samantha's statement. It made the statement feel less real, and more info-dumpy.
It's a good start, but I wish I saw more of the voice in the query on the page.
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I'm in the minority on this (so far) as I'm claiming Caprice #13 the victor. It's a tough call, but the query and first 250 words of Caprice #13 gave me a stronger idea of the stakes. It's a hard call, as both novels feel very fresh, but Caprice #13 spoke to me a bit more. I'd love to just choose both, but when 2 are equally good, subjectivity is a tie-breaker and for me, I'm more interested in Caprice #13.
Wow. You guys make this really hard to critique. Both of these are wonderful queries that need next to nothing.
DeleteCaprice NO. 13
I love this. Really love it. I love your writing style, the voice, the dark tones in this. I agree you could switch up the first sentence of the query to make it clearer "Ever since her mother took her to a symphony performance when she was seven, Sarah Avery has always wanted to be a violinist." or even something simpler like "Sarah's mother inspired her to be a violinist when she was seven. Now..." Its nothing pressing IMO, but it could read slightly better.
The only other thing I might suggest is giving us a bit of an example as to how Sawyer becomes a friend. You just tel us this, I'd like to see it. At least a hint of it.
Shalom Sasquash
This is unique and totally full of voice. You can't get much better than that.
I agree that you should cut this line:
"But if Sam doesn’t want Devan kicked out of Yale, she’ll have to help him win" Because the line after it tells us choice just fine. No need to reiterate that.
Really, if neither of you touched a thing, you'd be good to go in the query trenches. I love both of these.
But one just resonated with me personally a bit more so I'm going to give Victory to: Caprice NO. 13
CAPRICE NO. 13
DeleteQuery: This is well done – you guys are really making this tough! A few suggestions you might play around with: In the 1st paragraph with the “it means” line, trying giving each “it means” its own sentence. This could give the anaphora greater emphasis. The “even if she is one Sarah can’t afford” muddies things for me, and I stumbled a bit here. I think it would be smoother if you simplified a bit – something like “Who, to Sarah’s surprise, ends up becoming a friend. But Sarah can’t afford friends. Friends get too close.” I would also like to see the ending somehow explicitly tied back to her violin – since you set the stage for that to be such an important part of the story.
250: Wow! The tone you’ve set here is beautiful. Great description, it flows well between dialogue and exposition. Some great details and voice. Only two suggestions: (1) I think you have a better first line in you – maybe even just cut the first line and start with the violin music?, (2) I want just a tiny bit more setting – is she practicing on a stage? In a band room? In a practice room? I would suggest inserting it after she opens her eyes and sees Mrs. Canady – you can contrast where she actually is with her visions of Carnegie. (And really, just one line or even half a line.)
SHALOM SASQUATCH
Query: So many great things here! I love the premise so much. It sounds fun and unique and funny. And you have some great voice coming through in here. My only concern was the transition between her being livid with Devan and then them bonding. I think just tweaking a word choice or two will help us understand the transition better. Right now it feels too abrupt. The line of the steamy snogging session is fun but I’m not sure it fits the voice or the tone of the rest of the query. You’ve made the stakes clear and I already feel myself being torn right along with her. Well done!
250: Nice opening line! Beautiful job giving us a few specific details in the setting – without lines and lines of description you’ve painted a great picture of this family’s living room. And you’ve used the setting to tell us something about their character – which is exactly what you want to do. As you revise, I would suggest rewording or just deleting the line/paragraph about the awful title. It pulled me out of the story world, and I don’t think it adds enough to be worth it.
Can I refuse to make a choice here? These are truly two of my favorites in the entire competition. I would read both of these books in a heartbeat.
No? Really? What if I strike? I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO CHOOSE. I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO CHOOSE.
Okay, fine. Victory to SHALOM SASQUATCH.
NOTE: Since I focused on queries in round 1, this time I'm focusing on the first 250 words.
DeleteSTRUNG ALONG -
"My eyes are closed." - The opening sentence is passive; "I close my eyes" would be the active version; you might consider that.
"My bow is merely..." - This sentence seems to run on. I think you need some other punctuation before "my fingers press..."
"This, this is what..." - This also seems to run on. Check the punctuation before "I'm a soloist..."
It seems a bit incongruous that she says she doesn't do favors and then immediately asks what the teacher wants her to do.
"I can begin to see her scalp..." Cut the "begin" -- her scalp is maybe beginning to show, but beginning to see something sounds awkward.
I like how you introduce the character and give some hints about there being some conflict (why doesn't she do favors... why doesn't she want anyone to know about Julliard?)
SASQUATCH, LOVE , AND OTHER IMAGINARY THINGS
I like the opening sentence. It makes me chuckle and I think is something a lot of YA readers can relate to.
hyphenate "scratched-up"
Love the holes in the upholstry. Love the Latin motto.
"I pulled the brim down..." - No comma in this sentence after "eyes" - you don't want to separate the subject (I) from the verb (sunk - or should it be sank?)
The voice really shines through in this opening, and I love the cynical humor. I'd definitely read more.
Victory to SHALOM SASQUATCH!
Just wanted to add:
DeleteIf the author of Caprice #13 doesn't progress to the next round, I'd be happy to give more feedback! So once Query Kombat is over and our identities are revealed feel free to drop me an e-mail!
Caprice #13
ReplyDeleteQuery:
This is smooth and clear and gives me a good picture of the stakes and conflict of the story. I would like a hint that the uncle is dangerous a little sooner (lecherous means gross but not necessarily violent). That would increase the tension. I’d also like to know how tutoring Sawyer creates an obstacle. Is it because she doesn’t have enough time to tutor and do her own practicing? That could be clearer.
250:
The description of how she feels while she plays is great. I can feel it too. I know others liked the “I’m perfect. No, I’m safe,” but I think it would be more powerful if you cut out “I’m perfect.” To go from the soaring heights of Carnegie Hall soloist to the primal need to be safe (and the implication that she normally doesn’t feel that way) has more kick.
I’m concerned that I don’t know where this is taking place. At the school, I assume, but in a small practice room, the main band room, an ordinary classroom? Just a word or two to clarify. Also, I’d like more personality from the counselor. Is she smarmy and paying compliments to butter Sarah up? Or aggressive and intimidating? Right now, she just seems bland.
Shalom Sasquatch
Query:
The voice is great. I love the descriptions, but I don’t know what the competition involves. Since this isn’t speculative fiction, I assume they don’t have to actually find Bigfoot, so how do they win? Also, you say Samantha may have to betray her family so Devan can win, but she’d also be sacrificing her own plans for college, and I’m not sure why she should do that.
250:
Again, terrific voice. There isn’t much I’d suggest you change. I’m tempted to say I’d like to hear Samantha comment on the cost of all this custom clothing (“We can’t afford a new couch, but there’s always money for custom trucker hats and matching sweat shirts.”). But that’s dangerously close to me re-writing it instead of critiquing, so I won’t :).
Love both these entries. Both well-written and interesting.
ReplyDeleteCaprice: Your writing is really nice. I was wondering if there's a way in the query to hint about the uncle's violence earlier. We know he's creepy, but not violent, and that might help the tension. Also, in your 250 (which I really like) feel free to tighten up -- Lose some of the "she asks" and "she continues" which you don't really need. Let the bangles on the wrist speak, etc. Also, you could lose the "that" in the last two sentences of the query's second paragraph. Hope that's helpful. Good luck!
Sasquatch: So fun! Love the concept. I was a little confused about when she and Devan are "thrown together." I thought maybe that made them a team? But then she has to choose, so I'm not sure about it. Other than that, great! Your 250 are so fun. One nit-pick is that in the last sentence it should be "sank," not "sunk." Right? Love your idea. Great luck!
As some who loves classical music, I have to admit that the first words of Caprice really captured me. I liked the query - it's simple, clean and straightforward - but I agree with some of the others that I think you need to increase the tension in it and make it clear exactly what is at stake, what Sarah is hiding and why her new companion is a risk? Great opening 250, nice voice of someone who is tightly wound, private, controlled and doesn't like surprises.
ReplyDeleteSasquatch, you do a great job of conveying the cringing embarrassment of a teenager with an eccentric family! Bonus points for the ethnic diversity in your main characters. The query felt a little loose, and I think the third paragraph could be tightened up a fair bit as there's a lot of extraneous details that could be condensed into something more succinct. Love the last sentence of your 250!
Caprice is elegant, beautiful, the prose is as musical as the MC. Your query is tight and precise. I would read this book in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteSasquatch, your query is excellent, and your voice is fun and flowing.
I don't envy the judges one bit! These are both excellent entries, but so different. Good luck to both of you - you both deserve bright futures in publishing!
CAPRICE NO. 13: As everybody has said, this is beautifully written and I love the way she's so caught up in her music and uses it as an escape from her awful life. Your query is excellent. I agree that the uncle could be described as something a bit more extreme than lecherous so that it makes sense later when you reveal that he might kill her. Just a tiny more hint about this would help.
ReplyDeleteSHALOM SASQUATCH: You've done a fabulous job of revising your query. It now clears up all the questions I had before, and I find it very easy to follow and very voice-y. Still madly in love with your opening pages too :)
My prediction is that both of these are going to get snapped up by agents.
Caprice: Both your query and 250 are strong. I was a little hung up on how quickly the uncle went from lecherous to murderous in the query. I feel like there's an integral middle link there that we're missing.
ReplyDeleteSasquatch: I love your character's voice. It's almost impossible not to sympathize with her. I feel like your novel is filled with quirky characters that will ensure a fun read.
Both of these entries are great. I really don't envy the judges here. Nicole predicted both of these will get snapped up by agents. I agree with her.