Entry Nickname: Deadly Nightshade
Title: Nightshade
Word Count: 98,000
Genre: YA sci-fi/thriller
Query:
Morelle
Noire has been told her whole life that when she was three, her military father
died a hero in a bombing accident. The summer of her sixteenth birthday,
Morelle’s mother sends her to an outrageously energetic camp in the mountains, where
the suicide of the camp’s physician puts Morelle at the heart of a conspiracy somehow
entangled with the meaning of her own name: Morelle Noire, which translates to Deadly
Nightshade, a popular poison in the form of a berry. She finds herself drawn in
deeper when another camper nearly succeeds in killing her with the plant that
shares her namesake. She awakes from a
coma in the hospital back home, confused and desperate for answers about the
attempt on her life.
When
she finds herself in the middle of an
armed robbery gone wrong, Morelle discovers that she may have left camp with
more than a near-death experience. The story of her saving a victim from oncoming
bullets by halting them midair with telekinesis makes Morelle into a faceless
hero, known only by the name she gave the robbers—Nightshade.
After news of
her abilities reaches government ears, they attempt to recruit her to one of
their most secret specialized weapons projects, where Morelle encounters others
with telekinetic powers, all sharing similar near-death experience stories. Morelle’s
unique strength sets her apart, as she unintentionally proves herself to be a
valuable asset. But when she begins to connect the dots about the methods the
program uses to create its recruits, and her father’s involvement, the leader
of the program realizes Morelle may be more valuable dead than alive.
This time, when
death comes, Morelle can only hope that she’ll be ready.
First 250:
I’ve never been scared of the dark.
Dark is calm. Dark is consistent. Dark is safe.
The dark has always been my security blanket. Always there, whenever I need it. But right now, the fabric is harsh, sharp.
I’m not scared. But I no longer feel safe.
Tonight the wind slices into any sliver of exposed skin, and the coldness of the dark only serves to sharpen its blade. I’ll admit, I should’ve been more prepared. I’d just forgotten how cold it can get at night here.
By now, most of the feeling in my hands is gone. I flex my fingers and cup them over my mouth, breathing out warm air in hopes of defrosting them. But despite my attempts to hold it back, the cold leeches in again. My hands are helpful for what comes next—but not essential. I let the hood fall down over my forehead and resign to burying them in my pockets to preserve any semblance of warmth.
As troublesome as the cold can be, right now I have more pressing problems to deal with. Problems like the million dollar ransom on my head—dead or alive, but preferably dead, and the bounty hunters and assassins it entails. That’s a lot of money to be spending on the pursuit of a sixteen year old girl. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who’s more scared of whom.
VERSUS
Entry Nickname: Tag, You’re Dead
Title: The Game
Word
count:
82K
Genre: YA
Thriller
Query:
When six teenagers play Tag in present day Chicago, there’s
a twist from the childhood version…if you get Tagged, you get Dead.
The three "Its" have their reasons for buying a place
in the Game: the surgically-enhanced debutante is dying to destroy a naturally
beautiful girl; the less-skilled basketball player desires his target's position
on their school’s team; and the brainiac craves a battle against an
intellectual equal.
The "Runners," three hand-picked innocents kidnapped
and forced to play, want only one thing...to survive.
Once the Runners
receive the “Go” on the smart watches secured to their wrists, they race separately
to Chicago, where their Home Bases lie. The Game rockets them through the city,
from the El to Michigan Avenue to the Lincoln Park Zoo. There is no time to
rest; every thirty minutes the Runners’ coordinates
are transmitted to the Its, and their original half-hour head starts diminish.
There are only so many places to hide, even in one of the
nation’s largest cities, so the Runners must use their unique skills to
outsmart their Its, whether those talents are computer hacking, brute
strength, or a charismatic personality. The Rules state that the Game will not
be over until someone is Tagged, so each Runner must choose how to play it – death,
murder, or a third option, not yet identified.
Six players began the Game. How many will live to see it end?
First 250:
The girl raced into the Greyhound station and scoured the
times of departing rides. She didn’t care where the bus went, just so it was
the next one to leave. Dubuque. Fine. Wherever that was.
She ran to the ticket booth, shoved some cash at the clerk,
and leapt onto the bus, falling into a seat behind an old man who was already asleep.
Across the aisle two kids argued over who got to sit by the window. They looked
too young to be traveling by themselves, but the girl didn’t have enough energy
to worry about it. She peered over the back of her seat. A real mix of
passengers. No one who looked suspicious or weird or even insane.
She glanced at the smart watch locked onto her wrist. Five
minutes until It would know her location. Three minutes until the bus was
supposed to depart. She prayed — really prayed — it was on schedule.
“Tickets.” The bus driver meandered down the aisle, glancing
briefly as people held up their papers.
The kids across the aisle were now
fighting about who was supposed to have the tickets. The driver said he’d be
back, and continued down the row. By the time he returned, the kids still
hadn’t found their stubs, and the older one went with the driver to confirm
their reservations.
The bus wouldn’t be leaving on time.
The girl watched the timer count down to zero. The vibration
of the coordinates transmission hit her like an electric shock.
This space reserved for judge feedback and votes.
ReplyDeleteDeadly Nightshade: Killer query (pun totally intended ;) – this sounds like a really kickass, exciting story, I am hooked! I do think you could pare it down just a touch, though – I don’t think you need all the information in the first paragraph about the physician‘s suicide, I’d hop straight from her being sent to camp to someone trying to kill her with her namesake berries. I also think it might be better to start with her going to camp and almost being killed there, then mention the backstory about her father a little further down the page. With just a little smoothing out, this would be excellent. Oh and one thing – 98k does sound a bit lengthy for a thriller, and makes me wonder whether you can keep the pace up for that long.
DeleteThe opening page is good and nicely written – I like the first lines about the dark, and of course it’s a killer closing para. But I’d like a better idea of where she is and maybe a bit more info overall – just a sentence or two, so I can imagine it better. For example, when you say ‘I’d forgotten how cold it can get at night here’, tell us where ‘here’ is. Plus these sentences are clumsy: ‘My hands are helpful for what comes next—but not essential. I let the hood fall down over my forehead and resign to burying them in my pockets to preserve any semblance of warmth.’ This makes it sound like she’s burying her multiple foreheads in her pockets :) I’d perhaps cut a bit of her going on about the cold and put in some enticing story info instead. Sixteen-year-old should also be hyphenated. Otherwise I’d happily read on.
Tag, You’re Dead: Whoa, this is a fantastic premise, and I’m hooked by your query. BUT. I don’t know who your MC is. I need to know who I’m rooting for. Is it told in multiple POVs, or from the POV of one of the Runners? If it’s the latter, we should know more about that person. Either way, this is important info that needs to be in your query.
Opening page: Tying into the POV question from your query, I want to know who this girl is. Is this going to be omniscient POV? Multiple third persons? This is a very good, grabby, first page, and I would absolutely read on, but if this girl just had a name, I would feel even more involved in her fate, and that would make it that much more compelling. I need to know whether I’m going to be spending much time in her company or whether I’m soon going to be moving onto someone else.
This one is a really tough choice. I think both of these are excellent and worthy of going on to the next round. But there must be a winner, so by a nose, victory to Tag, You’re Dead.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE
DeleteYour query is reallllllyyyy long. Too long. And still a bit confusing. I had to read your opening several times to get it all. At first I thought you were saying Morelle had something to do with the Dr.s death. We don't really need to know that. It's not necessary to the intrigue of the story in the query. Recommend you cut that. In fact, I think you should try your hook paragraph again. Two short and sweet sentences.
Also, I didn't understand why if the government was responsible for her powers, they would need to recruit her. That was a bit confusing. The mention of her dad seems passing and generic. Recommend you move it out of your hook, include in the body paragraph and give it more attention.
The opening page is very good. Really liked it. Would keep reading for sure nice job.
TAG YOU"RE DEAD
Every single thing Omar said x2 for both the query and the page. The POV thing is the main issue. The premise is fantastic, it's well written and I understand the plot. But I don't know who I'm rooting for.
Same goes for the page. It grabs you by the collar and keeps going. But, like Omar, I want to know if I'm going to be spending time with this girl. A name would be nice if so.
I also think both of these are strong enough to move forward. But since we have to pick, for me the victory goes to - TAG YOUR DEAD
Deadly Nightshade: Love your concept and your MC's name! However, your query was on the long side, and raised some questions for me as we jumped from the camp setting (what did you mean by "outrageously energetic camp?") to the armed robbery and Morelle having telekinetic powers. I suggest making her powers apparent from the first paragraph of your query so it doesn't feel surprising in the following one. You do a great job setting up the stakes at the end, and I'm excited to read your first page!
DeleteThe only other thing I want to point out here is the word count. I'm worried that 98K is a bit much for a fast-paced YA thriller, which makes me wonder if you need to go through the manuscript and look for filler words or slow scenes to cut.
Your first 250 are awesome! My only nitpick is that I think you could cut the line that begins, "But despite my attempt..." Just trying to find a way to eliminate some of the references to the cold weather, which were a touch overdone. Other than that, LOVED your opening page!
Tag, You're Dead: Your query has a fascinating concept and a wonderful voice, but...a great story needs great characters to root for! Who's your MC? Give their name and age in the query, and perhaps another name or two of some other key players. Your query should focus on your MC so that readers know who they're going to be identifying and connecting with.
In your first 250, I never paused once. I wish I could read more! My only suggestion is to consider including the girl's name, especially if she's your MC.
This was a really tough decision, as the writing in Nightshade and Tag were both phenomenal. That said...
Victory to Tag, You're Dead!
Deadly Nightshade
DeleteVery nice! The query is clear, gives us a strong image of the protagonist and gives us a fair glimpse of the stakes. I would like to have gotten a better idea of the villain, instead of just the faceless “government.” And also, although I understand Morelle’s life if in danger because she finds out too much about the program, I wish the stakes and conflict were explained a little better. The query spends a lot of time giving us “set up” (i.e first 2 paragraphs.) Perhaps there could be a better balance. As far as the 250 go, I really liked them. I like how the “Dark” is an appropriate theme, and I suspect that it might be so throughout the book . The YA voice might need of tiny bit of room, but other than that it is great.
Tag, You’re Dead
Really like the premise! Sounds like a story that will be loaded with lots of action and clever escapes. In spite of the obvious difficulties at explaining a concept such as this “Tag, You’re Dead” does a great job getting the point across. I have no question or doubt as to what the story is about. On the other hand, it is an impersonal query and that makes it difficult to connect, but I totally understand the reason for writing it this way. It is a good query, but maybe there’s still a better one where a touch of the characters can be brought in. For now, the premise is intriguing enough for me to disregard that. Besides, the first 250 are very good. The voice works for YA and the action evolves effortlessly. I’d like to know more about “the girl.” It is still impersonal at this stage, but I’d read on to find out if the human touch is there.
This is a REALLY, REALLY hard vote to cast
VICTORY TO . . . Tag, You’re Dead
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE
DeleteThe query- While the concept itself is interesting, there is a LOT going on here. First the camp, then the suicide, then the attempted murder, then an armed robbery, then the GOVERNMENT. Its a lot of stuff all at once and it really bogs your query down. At first you think, oh its going to be a mystery at camp. Then the supernatural element comes in and throws that off and the government involvement throws it off even more. This much stuff in one query might mean too much stuff in one book.
The first 250- REALLY strong writing. The images used to describe cold were awesome, and the intro in general was intriguing. But this does feel like a prologue that will lead to looking back on how it all began. This has been done and you might not need it. But I think your writing as a whole is awesome.
TAG, YOU'RE DEAD
The query- Hooked me IMMEDIATELY. I was like, holy crap, this is a great idea. And then you introduced these characters with important motivations and it sounded even better. I think you could make it clear who the main character is or whether or not they're ALL the main character, but other than that the query is great. It also leaves a lot of avenues for a psychological thriller and I LOVE those.
First 250- This gives good atmosphere and tension to the beginning of the story but it is impersonal. In the query, we didn't get any names and we don't here either. This is just a girl. Is she going to die soon as an intro? Is this a prologue. And if so do you need it? Names are an important part of humanizing your characters so I'd work on that. But the writing itself is fine.
This is a hard decision. I think DEADLY NIGHTSHADE aced the first 250 a bit more but TAG, YOUR DEAD hooked me more with its concept. In the end, I really have to go with the concept because that hints at a less cluttered book. Victory to TAG, YOUR DEAD
Deadly Nightshade:
DeleteOverall this query drew me in. Love the Nightshade name and the complexity of the story. I was a bit confused when we went from the attempt on her life to her finding herself in the middle of an armed robbery. A brief segue way between the two paragraphs would help clear that up. It would make for a better hook to end with 'more valuable dead than alive.'
I like the opening, but I started to lose interest when we went from action 'her flexing her fingers/breathing warm air' to exposition again talking about the ransom. I wanted to know where she was and if she was running from someone. You can work in the ransom and her age later on, but right now you don't want to lose the reader's interest.
Tag, You’re Dead:
I think Tag, You're Dead should be the title of the book because it's awesome! Great query. It definitely made me want to read more. I was slightly confused by the surgically-enhanced debutante, but after rereading it I figured out what you meant. At first I thought surgery was part of the Game.
Loved the entry! My only suggestion would be to tell us the girl's name…especially if she's a main character. This story has HUGE potential.
Victory to Tag, You're Dead
NIGHTSHADE
DeleteWhat's the purpose of this "outrageously energetic camp"? I'm You've got TONS of information here that is kind of cluttering up the query. I think you could easily start with Morelle nearly being poisoned at summer camp (leaving out pretty much everything else in that first paragraph) and then go into her telekinetic powers and the problems that causes her. We don't need to know about her father's supposed death (you could just put "presumed dead father's involvement..." in the second-to-last line), or the physician's suicide. In this case, I think less is more and too many details are detracting from the main conflict.
THE GAME
I just picked up a book with the same title a few weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure it's not the only one out there. Something to think about, maybe.
Cool premise - it sounds really intense, and the query brings out that intensity, but it's also a little... impersonal. Is there a MC, or do all six players have equal POVs?
Victory to Tag, You're Dead
WOW! Two totally amazing premises, and I WANT to read both!!
ReplyDeleteDeadly Nightshade: I love where you are going with this query, but it's way too long, and after a while I got lost in all the detail. I also was thrown off by the MC going from a camp setting, to a coma, to an armed robbery gone wrong all within the span of two paragraphs. Think about the true heart of your story - who the character is, what they need, and what they're willing to do to get it. Hopefully that will help you pare this way down.
Great opening 250, but I would suggest cutting back all the cold references and getting right into the ransom on your MC's head - that is where you truly grab your reader!
Tag, You're Dead: Your query is STUNNING. Full of voice and incredible stakes, but I have no idea who the players are. Who am I'm supposed to cheer for or root against? While it's important to make an agent/publisher want to read more, if they can't connect with who your characters are, it leaves them very little to go on. I think you can accomplish this by spelling out in very simple detail who your Its & Runners are. Once we understand their true places in the game, I think readers will be clamoring to read this!
This choice is so hard (it took me an hour to decide) but victory must go to: Tag, You're Dead.
Deadly Nightshade
ReplyDelete98k raises a red flag for a (debut?) YA submissions, even if it's sci-fi. Have you made a pass to trim the word count?
Query: Fantastic hook! I think the language could use a lot of tightening. For example: "Morelle Noire has been told her whole life that when she was three, her military father died a hero in a bombing accident." The phrasing "that when" is awkward and is semi-repetitive with being told her whole life. She could have been told since she was three (therefore, her whole life), and that will save words! There are also some generic/cliched phrases that I feel could benefit from some more specificity to ground me in the story, such as "heart of a conspiracy", "outrageously energetic". And the camper trying to kill her and the armed robbery plot points take me by surprise - I don't get the sense of danger/action from the sentences leading up to these parts. Telekinesis also comes out of nowhere for me. Draw a line that the reader can follow through these plot points, and you've got something really great here!
250: Very intriguing start. I definitely want to read more, as the tension worked right off the bat, but I wonder if you could speed up the ransom/16 year old girl part because that's really where it got interesting. The darkness and cold are great, atmospheric details, but you stay on both a touch too long. But no major complaints, just praise!
Tag, You’re Dead
Query: Holy hook, Batman. I'm sold. This is fantastic and I want to read this already! Just a few clarification comments:
(1) are the Runners different than the Its' targets? If so, I could clarify this, because I'm assuming that's not the case, but should be made crystal clear.
(2) Do they race "to" or "through" Chicago? If it's the former, where do they start? And where in Chicago is Home Base, because if you're racing To Chicago but already naming places in Chicago they're running through, it's a little confusing.
(3) The Rules lose me a little bit.. death/murder of who? Do they know there's a third option, and if so, keeping it mysterious for the sake of being mysterious has the tendency to feel contrived.
(4) Who are the main/POV characters? The query makes me think it's the Its at the start, and the Runners by the end. Like the commenter above, I vaguely wonder who I'm rooting for, but this doesn't make or break anything.
250: Love the tension. Right there with her, off the bat. I'm 100% on board with the action, but I wonder if some more details to mix up the pacing would be nice. A few visual cues on the people on the bus, what she's seeing. I'm not sure I could trade the 250 precious words for that, though, but that's the main thing I feel like I'm missing.
My (non-judging) vote would go to Tag, You're Dead for the hook alone. :)
Would read both of these! Loved the premise for each of them.
ReplyDeleteNightshade:
Your query feels long. There is too much packed in that could easily be cut out. Keep that first, hook paragraph as concise as you can. Morelle goes to camp, she wakes up in a hospital after a failed attempt on her life. Your 250 completely drew me in. Your description of the cold is so vivid, and I loved the bit about the dark. I think with a bit of cutting in that query, that this is a really strong contender.
Tag, You're Dead:
As others have said, you've got a great hook. You lose me a bit in the query with all the "its" and "runners." I feel like reducing the characters to their stereotypes works here, but would love to have some names to go with them. Your 250 is strong, but again, no names. Do your chapters bounce between each of the runners and the its? If so, do you have their name as the chapter title, or another way to immediately distinguish whose point of view we're getting the story from? I'm super intrigued, though, and would love to read more.
Good luck to you both!
Deadly Nightshade:
ReplyDeleteI have two main concerns:
1) The premise. The judges love it, so maybe I'm crazy, but in reading every critique-my-query resource I could find, I saw a lot of stories with this basic idea--teenager develops awesome powers, is recruited by shadowy corporate/government organization, discovers they have a hidden agenda, runs. This problem might be solved by adding something to the query that shows what sets your story apart from others of this type. From the info here, I don't know if it's a query problem or a story problem.
2) From the mention of a million dollar ransom and bounty hunters and assassins, it seems like the 250 starts after she's discovered her powers, maybe even after she's been recruited by the government and escaped from them. (If she's wanted before she has powers, I'd like to know why.) Is everything before that point in the query just back story? If so, it probably doesn't belong in the query. Or is this a quick look at all the trouble the MC's in before we go back to the beginning to find out how things got so bad? I hope not because that kind of beginning always feels like cheating to me.
Tag, You're Dead:
The energy and intensity of this are amazing. The writing is clear and strong, perfect for a thriller. My only concern in the query is the one that's been mentioned before, that we don't get the name of a single character, and we have no idea whose story this is, who we should be identifying with and rooting for.
As for the 250, again, the writing is terrific. But not using a name for the POV character gives the excerpt a prologue-y feeling. My intuition tells me that we'll see this poor person die in the game to give us a hint of what's in store for the players we'll meet later. If that isn't the case, you can fix the false impression just by giving us a name. But even with that, I was really impressed by this entry.
Hello, and wow! You both have two wonderfully edge-of-my-seat stories here!! :) A few thoughts:
ReplyDeleteDeadly Nightshade: You've got some really cool ideas in the query, but I'll agree with others that it's a bit long and I was confused about the significance of the camp, the suicide and how the poison works into everything. There's such a leap from that to the assassins and telekinetic powers that I was like, "Huh?" Which piece of this is the most important? I would say her powers, personally. Focus in on that, up front and weave in the rest as it connects to your main point. Then you'll be golden! The 1st 250 was cool - really atmospheric. But, you may have slightly overdone the imagery of the dark and the cold. Just a bit. I might pare it down and get to what happens next. But, great stuff - I'd read on. Good luck with this!
Tag, You're Dead: I hope it's ok to swear, cause "Damn!" :) In a good way! I'll echo what others have said that pointing out POV and letting us know who we'll be rooting for needs to be addressed (although, clearly the "runners"). Names would be good, though. But, aside from that - I'm just REALLY intrigued to know how you plan to pull off this type of game in present-day Chicago. Why/How aren't the police involved? What kind of "monsters" with money would actually do this kind of stuff? Really gripping - I'm hooked. Would totally read on. Great job!
Deadly Nightshade
ReplyDeleteVery much enjoyed the 250. The opening hooked me in, and the rest just makes me more and more intrigued. I was getting a bit of a Jack Reacher vibe (which isn’t scifi, of course, but I mean that controlled narrator who’s about to unleash some bad news on some people vibe).
There’s a lot of very cool stuff packed into the query too, but I had a lot of trouble making it all come together in my head. It seems to jump from one thing to the next, and there isn’t always a clear connection. We go from kids getting poisoned at camp to her suddenly being in a bank robbery(?). And while the opening line is pretty grabbing, there’s little mention of her dad until the end, making me wonder why he’s mentioned at all. As I said, there’s a very cool premise in here, but I think it needs some streamlining and focus to really make it shine.
Tag, You're Dead
Yep, this one works for me. “The Hunger Games” meets “The Running Man.” Great query IMO. Very compelling. For my money though, “Tag, You’re Dead” is a way better title than “The Game” (which is quite generic). Just as a suggestion.
I found the 250 equally as absorbing. Fast paced, gripping narrative. Is it obvious yet that I’m sold on this one? :D
Good luck to both entries!