Entry Nickname: Burning Down the House
Title: The Farmer’s Wife
Word Count: 60k
Genre: Adult Fiction
Query:
Samuel and Lillian Miller have spent their entire married life in the farmhouse Sam built by hand. When the house goes up in flames, Lillian barely escapes with her life. Samuel is not as lucky. Fire crews attempt to control the blaze, leaving Lillian with nothing to do but watch helplessly as she loses everything she’s ever cherished.
Lillian’s granddaughter, Jody, arrives at the house just after the first fire truck and offers Lillian both comfort and her spare bedroom. In the days following Samuel’s death, Jody struggles to help her grandmother return to a sense of normalcy. Together, they sift through what the fire left behind. They unearth more than Jody ever expected. Lillian has collected her fair share of secrets over the course of her marriage, and the true cause of the house fire may prove to be the most shocking.
A rich portrayal of rural life in upstate New York, The Farmer’s Wife explores the power of memory, the bonds of family, and the solidarity that comes with shared secrets.
First 250:
The heat is suffocating, so we keep our distance. The shadows of the flames flicker across our faces as we watch the house burn. Four eyes stare, entranced as the house sacrifices itself to the fire.
The powder blue paint bubbles and peels from the wooden siding like sunburned skin. It cowers in front of the flames, dripping fiery blue drops onto the singed grass. Bit by bit, the color is devoured until the siding becomes a charred remnant of its former self. Pieces of it cling to the foundation it has held for more than fifty years, but I know it won’t be long until they, too, are torn away. They glow bright orange when the wind blows against them, then fade into the night's blackness.
I peel my eyes away from the blaze to glance at my grandmother. Her aged cheeks are dry. The heat from the flames prevents her tears from falling. She stands silent, just as helpless as the rest of us. I can’t recall a time when I have ever considered her helpless. Yet even her well of control can’t douse the inferno before us, so we just watch it burn.
Ashes dance through the air, fiery around the edges at first, then fading as the air sucks the warmth from them. One lodges itself in my grandmother's hair. She’s unaffected by its landing.
Versus
Entry nickname: The Connecting Thread
Title: The ORCHAD
Word Count: 60k
Genre: Literary Fiction
QUERY:
A parcel of land is the connecting thread between several generations of strangers in the 60,000-word literary fiction novel THE ORCHARD.
In the midst of the Great Depression, widow Gwendolyn Meeker Hobbs enlists the help of seasoned farmhand Charlie and protégé Phillip to run her 80-acre citrus grove. As she fights to protect her orange groves from development, she imparts to Phillip her respect for the land, "I may have a piece of paper that says I own this land, but nobody but Mother Nature herself really owns any of this. She can take it back any time she wants. Be wary of nature’s fury. She’s got a vile temper when she’s angry.”
Faced with financial ruin, Gwendolyn must begin selling off her acreage. As the property passes from one owner to the next, the rural landscape succumbs to urbanization, and the struggles of its inhabitants reflect the changing times. Ryuichi Nakamura moves his family to Southern California to grow a new kind of strawberry, but when America enters World War II, his life is changed forever. Carl Roberts wants his piece of the American Dream but soon realizes prosperity comes at a high price. Suburban housewives Hazel and Cora struggle to find their place in a modern world while one of them grapples with a life-threatening secret. And George, who has hit rock bottom, finds renewed hope in the wake of a devastating wildfire.
Set against a rich backdrop of California history, THE ORCHARD is a compelling tale of perseverance, despair, transformation and hope that will engage readers from the first harvest until the last trees are lost to eminent domain.
FIRST 250:
Gwendolyn tied her apron securely over her mourning dress and smoothed the fabric nervously. From her kitchen window, she kept a watchful eye on the squall as she dried the breakfast dishes. Out in the orchard, the citrus trees swayed in unison under the darkened sky, their branches quivering in anticipation of those first drops of rain. Like those trees in the grove, Gwendolyn longed for the quenching showers promised by the impending storm. Though not the worst drought she’d seen, it had been the hardest to weather.
Upstairs a loose shutter banged against the wall, informing her of a window she neglected to fasten. A flash of lightning illuminated the orchard, allowing a momentary glimpse of the trees, shaking wildly, their gentle rain dance now abandoned to the force of the gale.
Gwendolyn counted to herself, one, two, three…
In all her years marking the seconds, she never ceased being surprised by the thunder. But more on edge than usual, she took a double fright when the thunderclap echoed among the trees and rattled the panes throughout the house. The skillet she was drying slipped from her hands and clattered against the cast iron sink.
She unlatched the casement window and nudged it open. The crisp air wafted in and mixed with the stale warmth of the kitchen. She drew in a deep breath, and the aroma of the citrus, the garden, and the dampness filled her lungs. In that moment he was there, his arm around her waist, smelling of tobacco and dirt.
This space reserved for judge feedback and votes.
ReplyDeleteBurning Down the House: 60k is a bit too short for adult fiction, I think. Your query is a little dry, and I don’t know whose POV the story is from – Jody or Lillian? Make that clear and then infuse some of that voice into the story. I also think your query would be much more enticing if you at least hinted at what some of these secrets are. At the moment, while it’s nice and clear, it’s not quite grabbing me.
DeleteWe don’t learn whose POV this is until the third paragraph. There’s some nice descriptive writing, but it feels off to me – if she’s basically watching her grandfather burn to death at that very moment, unless you’re making a point of her being unfeeling or numb with shock, I think the scene should be much more emotional. Also I only know what’s burning because of the query – I’d tell us it’s her grandparents’ house, we need to be more grounded. At the moment, all I know is there’s a fire, I need more out of a first page to hook me.
The Connecting Thread: Again, 60k is very short for adult fiction, especially for a story spanning generations, I can’t see how you’ll fit all that life into such a short space. Also, the query really isn’t the place to quote from your story. Tell us those sentiments as narration, if you like, but I wouldn’t recommend quoting yourself. Overall, just from the query, this sounds like it could be an interesting tale, but it’ll all come down to the execution, as so often in literary fiction...
Your opening page is fine, it takes us gently into Gwendolyn’s world, and the storm provides an edge. However, if there isn’t much of a hook to begin with, as there often isn’t in lit fic, I expect either an unusual and compelling POV character, or for the language to sweep me away, and that isn’t quite happening here. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of it, but there aren’t any turns of phrase that make me go ‘ah, lovely’, or anything that particularly strikes me about Gwendolyn yet.
Victory to The Connecting Thread.
BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
DeleteI like the premise of this query, but overall felt like it was flat, almost distant.
This woman’s whole world is burning up in front of her and yet we’re given no emotion. Jody isn’t any better. This was her childhood home and her father. I feel like the hook here could be a lot stronger too.
You tell us Lillian had secrets – what kind, be specific. What is the main plot of your book? Right now I feel like that’s the secret. You need to give us the stakes – what problem does Lillian have to overcome and what bad thing happens if she doesn’t?
If you have to tell us that it’s “a rich portrayal”, you didn’t show us enough with your words.
You have a lovely gift with verse. Your opening page is melodic, almost hypnotic as you describe the fire. I’m interested and would read more.
But I’m also curious why Jody isn’t giving us any emotion. She almost feels stunted, distant, for someone so intimately involved.
THE CONNECTING THREAD
Is the first paragraph your hook? If so, it’s very generic. If not, you need a hook, as the next paragraph doesn’t have one.
Overall, I got a bit lost in your query. I’m a bit confused how the book flows. Is Gwen the MC throughout the whole book or just until she sells and then the other characters take over? If she exists when she sells, then the MC is really the land and I think you should give a shot at writing the query from the land’s point of view. As is, I’m not quite sure what the stakes are and who I should be rooting for.
I loved the closing with eminent domain. I’m not usually a fan of these “this book is a compelling tale” endings, but I think yours works.
How much I like your opening would be dependent on whether Gwen is the MC or not. If she disappears, then I feel like you should start with the Orchard. I like Gwen well enough, but after the first 250, I’m not begging for more (but not wishing for less either). I’d keep reading to see where it went.
TO BOTH AUTHORS – 60K is short for Lit Fic. Consider addressing.
This was one of the toughest match ups I’ve judged. Both entries have pros and cons. I feel like the voice is stronger in Connecting but the writing spoke more to me with Burning. Ultimately, I’m left wondering what secrets Lillian is keeping. I already know the Orchard bites the dust and is taken by the government. Based on that (and my love for the Talking Heads)
– Victory Burning Down the House
A quick note to you both: I won't spend much time on this, since other judges have already addressed it, but your word counts are both very lean for your genre. You might consider having CPs or beta readers go through your MS before querying agents with the goal of finding places that feel too 'thin', so you can flesh out certain scenes.
DeleteBurning Down: After reading your query, it seems to me that your MC is Jody, but I wasn't quite sure. I wondered at times if this is supposed to be a dual narrative, in which case, you should consider having one paragraph from each woman's perspective in the query and just making it clearer overall whose POV the story will be told from. I also felt like the parts about unearthing secrets were too vague. What secrets does this family have that set them apart from others? It might benefit you to be more specific here, as specifics allow readers to better connect with your characters and care about your story.
I must say, though, I'm intrigued by the part about the true cause of the house fire...!
In your first 250, I was confused by the lack of emotion. Your MC's grandfather is buurning to death, yet the story is being narrated with a cold detachment that felt completely at odds with the events in the scene. Even if she hated her grandfather, she'd probably be feeling SOMETHING. Or, if she's numb with shock, there are ways to convey this as well--unresponsiveness to other characters, for instance, or unfocused thoughts. Don't get me wrong, the writing here is beautiful, but the scene falls apart for me in the lack of emotion.
Connecting Thread: I felt there were some POV issues with your query. Meaning, I couldn't tell who your MC was, or whether there will be multiple MCs. (I'm assuming it's the latter, and that this story follows the lives of several people through different chapters). Consider removing that long quote form your story and instead telling us more about what's going to happen throughout the course of the novel.
Your opening page was slow, there's no denying. However, the writing was beautiful, especially the last paragraph. That's where I really began to connect with Gwen, and because of that, I'd read on.
Based on feeling more connected to Gwendolyn than I did to Jody/Lillian-
Victory to The Connecting Thread!
Two very interesting premises here!
DeleteBurning Down The House: I think your query is almost there. There are a few certain spots where I think you can cut back on your words to have the query read a little smoother (i.e. cutting adverbs like helplessly in the first paragraph).
Also, I think you can cut your final line. Your sinker needs to be something that grabs your reader by the throat and urges them to read more. Your final line in the second paragraph does the job nicely.
Your first 250 really threw me off as I thought (based on the query) that this story was going to be told from Lillian's POV not Jody's. With this in mind, I think you need to rethink your approach in your query.
Opening with the fire is a great visual but there is a lot of telling going on. The fire provides an opportunity to really immerse the reader in a visceral reaction. The feel of the heat on Lillian's skin. The smell of the burning wood, the aching loss Lillian feels at losing everything she's ever treasured. All of these senses, in my opinion, would make for a powerful start.
The Connecting Thread: I love the idea of a generational drama having the land being the central tie to the stories. I would recommend cutting your first line and getting right to the meat of your query.
Because your story takes place over a span of many years, you need to be careful about how you approach each character's plight. I found myself getting lost in all the POVs you presented in the query.
First 250: I see this happen time and time again, and I always caution people about opening with any description of weather as it does nothing to build character. The thunderstorm can drum up emotions/memories in your MC, but it should not be the focus of the open because it does nothing to move your story forward.
I went back and forth on my vote here, but after some long deliberation the victory goes to: Burning Down the House
THE FARMER'S WIFE
DeleteI was totally into the query until the last paragraph -- "rich portrayal" sounds a bit like you're tooting your own horn ;) so I'd cut that. You could also combine some of the shorter sentences in the second paragraph to make it flow a bit more smoothly, but that's just nitpicking :)
THE ORCHARD
The title of this one doesn't really stand out -- I'm pretty sure I know of at least one published novel with the same title, so you might consider something a bit more attention-grabbing. Not a huge fan of the quote within the query, and I'd cut the "compelling tale... that will engage readers" parts -- sounds like tooting your own horn ;)
Victory to Burning Down the House
Everyone has mentioned the word count on both these so I won't. That said...
DeleteBURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
Good intrigue and the query is mostly well written. But the beginning makes it look like it will be from Lillian's perspective but then we later find out the MC is the granddaughter. Make her the focus from the start to avoid confusion. I also think you can hint at her secrets a little bit more. Don't get too specific but give a few more details to make it less vague
The first 250- Love the description of the house burning. That's the best image. Some of the stuff regarding the characters themselves reads a bit more dry. If you could make everything as strong as the burning house, it would improve.
THE ORCHARD
The query- You have a lot of characters in this query. It seems like a lot of vignettes as opposed to a whole story and while that could work, it feels a little choppy and confusing right now. Try to get ideas to flow together a little better. I also think that the hook is a little weak and I don't see the point of mentioning Phillip (I don't see how he connects to the story)
The first 250- There are good images here though nothing that stuck out as amazing. The writing is acceptable. I'd like to see a bit more character from Gwendolyn but it is a first 250 so that can be difficult. Strong writing but not mind blowing.
I thought both queries had good writing but the query for BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE is a little more organized and cohesive. Victory to BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
THE FARMER'S WIFE:
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautifully-written query. However, it makes me think that the MC is the grandmother, so it's confusing to me when I start reading the 250 and see that it's Jody. If the book is told in dueling POV, it might help to mention that in the query. I also know that many agents want a sentence about what's at stake - what's Jody likely to lose? We know that her grandmother has lost everything.
In the first 250, you've got one straight quote and one smart quote in the apostrophe in the end. And that's really the only suggestion I can make. The imagery pulls me in. I would definitely keep reading.
THE ORCHARD:
I love this idea, too. You've got a great hook - I know immediately what's happening, and I'm already intrigued. There's also a mixture of straight and smart quotes in the query. They say to limit the number of names used in a query. Because the third paragraph seems necessary, I'd consider taking out Phillip and Charlie. I think that paragraph could be shortened. Also, I personally don't like the fact that the last sentence gives away the ending. A query isn't a synopsis - leave us wondering what happens.
I love the voice in the first 250, and the use of language to show it's set in the past (like "took a double fright").
Both entries are fantastic. Good luck to both of you.
Burning down the House: Wow, what an entry! So impressed. Your query is strong, your 250 even stronger! My only suggestion is to somehow make the first paragraph of your query also from your MC's POV instead of Lillian's (unless Lillian is actually your MC, then make the 2nd para from hers). Make sense? It would just help the flow. Fantastic entry. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteThe Connecting Thread: What a neat concept. I love the idea of following the people on the plot of land. For the query, I'm wondering if you could start with the second paragraph instead of your word count and summary. It would be a stronger hook, I think. Also, I'm not sure about including such a long quote in the second paragraph. Is there another way to show how she's feeling? The paragraph telling about the newcomers, and the final paragraph are strong, as is your 250. Good luck!
To both of you: These word counts concern me. I worry that you won't get far with agents with sweeping stories that are so short. Having said that, if I were a judge, I would have a great deal of trouble choosing here. Both concepts are great, and the queries and 250s are both very strong. The above comments are on point, though. Good luck! Both great ideas!
ReplyDeleteThese are gorgeous! Both are evocative and really well written. The slim word count doesn't bother me, just more time to read both! :)
ReplyDeleteBurning Down the House
ReplyDeleteI like the premise. Mysteries and secrets are always intriguing. I was a little confused why it emphasized Lillian’s secrets though, since I assume what they find has to do with secrets Samuel was keeping. Also, in the middle of paragraph two, I’d have it read as “Together, as they sift through what the fire left behind, they unearth…” Also, “A rich portrayal of rural life” felt like a bit of an oxymoron, since rich and rural don’t typically go together (and the query suggests a more humble life, at least to me anyway).
I thought the 250 was especially well written. The only thing that confused me was the POV. If the book is going to be from Jody’s perspective, then I’d argue the query should focus on her as well. Right now it focuses on Lillian and sets her up as the main character.
The Connecting Thread
My only comment on the 250 is to consider a stronger opening line. Something that really grabs the reader. Other than that I thought it flowed well.
In the first line of the actual pitch (i.e., skipping over the preamble), we have three names thrown at us in quick succession and I already feel a bit lost. And since neither one seems to factor into the rest of the query, I think you could drop any mention of them in order to streamline things. The second paragraph really confused me, because it gives the impression that the book is really a series of vignettes or something, all featuring different people. That’s fine, but if that’s the case then I’d argue that should be clear in the query form the beginning. Right now the first half sets it up as a traditional book focusing on one main character (i.e., Gwendolyn).
Best of luck to both entries!
A big thanks to everyone from Burning Down the House for the great advice. I did some revisions, and am hoping to have a stronger entry going into round 2!
ReplyDeleteConnecting the Thread: I love the premise for your book. When you get it published, I will definitely be grabbing a copy!
Gabby - thanks. You've got a great premise for your book as well. Best of luck with Round 2.
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