Title: Code X
Entry Nickname: The Sticky Note Ghost
Word Count: 46K
Genre: Upper MG, Paranormal Mystery
Query:
Adventurous twelve-year-old Piper McHenry moves into the secluded historic district in Pensacola, Florida, where nothing ever happens, and the only other kid her age is Jack Nash, a boy in a back brace. There goes adventure.
When the elderly neighborhood watch president kicks the bucket, no one suspects a thing—until he returns as a ghost to torment Jack with karaoke and non-stop nagging-by-sticky-note to find his killer. Jack’s also plagued by guilt over his part in a tragic zipline accident that left his friend paralyzed. All Jack wants is to be left alone. He comes out of his shell only long enough to request Piper’s help in solving the ghost’s murder, so the ghost and Jack can rest in peace. He doesn’t have to ask her twice.
After Jack’s collector dad purchases the Codex Hammer, a rare Da Vinci journal, another neighbor suddenly dies. Piper discovers the secrets Jack’s been hiding about his accident and that he’s haunted by more than just one ghost. In order to solve the back-to-back murders and unlock the mystery of the Codex, Piper must convince him to face his guilt—and his ghosts—before another person bites the dust and the neighborhood turns into a Halloween freak show.
First 250:
Our house was rigged with 24/7 security, but not because of the ghost. I pressed the eight-digit code, jack0315—my name and birthday—into the keypad on the front door. After I slipped inside, I expected Rent-a-Cop’s usual frisking or a background check. I live here. It gets old. Seriously, who would steal a lock of some dead guy’s hair? Sick. I still had no idea who Kurt Cobain was.
I searched the living room where the weird artifacts hid behind bulletproof glass. No security guard or Dad. Or Franklin.
I threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Without the annoying ghost around, this might be the best night ever. But as the seconds ticked down, yellow squares popped onto every surface. They were a constant reminder he was present and to find his murderer. I’d never heard of the dead communicating with sticky notes, but it was probably the least strange thing in my house.
Whatever. He had yet to convince me he was murdered. I wished he would just leave me alone.
You’re out of T.P.
Did you locate the smoking gun?
Try watching Law & Order or Matlock or CSI.
Franklin was such a drama ghost. Who was Matlock anyway?
As I ignored the notes and rounded through the living room, the floor lurched beneath my bare feet. I stumbled, colliding with the stair railing, and dropped my bag of popcorn. A groan scraped the surface of the air.
Entry Nickname: The Sticky Note Ghost
Word Count: 46K
Genre: Upper MG, Paranormal Mystery
Query:
Adventurous twelve-year-old Piper McHenry moves into the secluded historic district in Pensacola, Florida, where nothing ever happens, and the only other kid her age is Jack Nash, a boy in a back brace. There goes adventure.
When the elderly neighborhood watch president kicks the bucket, no one suspects a thing—until he returns as a ghost to torment Jack with karaoke and non-stop nagging-by-sticky-note to find his killer. Jack’s also plagued by guilt over his part in a tragic zipline accident that left his friend paralyzed. All Jack wants is to be left alone. He comes out of his shell only long enough to request Piper’s help in solving the ghost’s murder, so the ghost and Jack can rest in peace. He doesn’t have to ask her twice.
After Jack’s collector dad purchases the Codex Hammer, a rare Da Vinci journal, another neighbor suddenly dies. Piper discovers the secrets Jack’s been hiding about his accident and that he’s haunted by more than just one ghost. In order to solve the back-to-back murders and unlock the mystery of the Codex, Piper must convince him to face his guilt—and his ghosts—before another person bites the dust and the neighborhood turns into a Halloween freak show.
First 250:
Our house was rigged with 24/7 security, but not because of the ghost. I pressed the eight-digit code, jack0315—my name and birthday—into the keypad on the front door. After I slipped inside, I expected Rent-a-Cop’s usual frisking or a background check. I live here. It gets old. Seriously, who would steal a lock of some dead guy’s hair? Sick. I still had no idea who Kurt Cobain was.
I searched the living room where the weird artifacts hid behind bulletproof glass. No security guard or Dad. Or Franklin.
I threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Without the annoying ghost around, this might be the best night ever. But as the seconds ticked down, yellow squares popped onto every surface. They were a constant reminder he was present and to find his murderer. I’d never heard of the dead communicating with sticky notes, but it was probably the least strange thing in my house.
Whatever. He had yet to convince me he was murdered. I wished he would just leave me alone.
You’re out of T.P.
Did you locate the smoking gun?
Try watching Law & Order or Matlock or CSI.
Franklin was such a drama ghost. Who was Matlock anyway?
As I ignored the notes and rounded through the living room, the floor lurched beneath my bare feet. I stumbled, colliding with the stair railing, and dropped my bag of popcorn. A groan scraped the surface of the air.
VS.
Title: The Order of Black Hollow Lane
Entry Nickname: The Order of Black
Word Count: 57K
Genre: MG Mystery
Query:
A historic boarding school. An enigmatic society. A father she never knew, unearthing secrets she’s dying to understand.
Twelve-year-old soccer star Ginny leads a quiet life in Connecticut. Her mother, a world-renowned parenting expert with no parenting skills of her own, is traveling the world with her latest book. Her father disappeared without a trace when she was three, and she never expects to hear anything of him again.
Then the box arrives.
It’s crammed with ornate medallions. There’s no return address, just a note that says: ‘These belonged to your father.’
Maybe Ginny would have given a little more thought to the mysterious package, had her mother not shipped her off to a British boarding school two days later. But the box’s contents become harder to ignore when symbols from the medallions start to show up in odd places.
Intrigued and a little curious, Ginny starts investigating her father’s connection to her new school and discovers his involvement in an ancient student society: The Order of Black Hollow Lane. At first it seems like nothing more than an old boys’ club, but when more of her father’s possessions start arriving, they reveal a more sinister link between her father and the secret society.
Now Ginny has to decide if uncovering her family’s secrets is worth the risk…even if it means risking her life.
First 250:
There are certain things a mother doesn't really need to know. Trivial things, like whether or not you clipped your toe nails this morning, or that you stepped in something sticky at the park. But the box in Ginny's nightstand was not one of those things. Ginny knew it wasn't. And that's why her fingers twitched every time her mother came into her room.
"Are you ready, dear?" her mom asked as she opened the door. "The press will be here in a few—“
She put her hand to her chest and gasped. Ginny held her breath. She had put the box away, right? If her mom saw it, if she found out....
Suddenly her mother's eyes filled with tears.
"Oh Ginny," she said with a smile, "that dress...you look just...just beautiful."
Ginny breathed out and picked at the crunchy taffeta on the front of her dress. She had to put the box out of her mind. She needed to focus today.
“Don’t you just love these little pink polka dots?” her mom asked as she brushed Ginny’s hands away from the dress. “They’re all hand-sewn, that’s why they pop out so much!”
It looked like the dress had come down with the measles. The sleeves puffed out like pink toadstools, which would come in handy if Ginny ever needed a place to hide a cat.
Judges, please leave votes and comments as a REPLY to this comment.
ReplyDeleteSticky Note:
DeleteThis is very intriguing, but I have a few questions/suggestions. It’s hard to tell from the query who the main character is. If you start with Piper, I assume she’s the main character, but it sounds like Jack has the conflict. I’d re-write to make it clear. I’d also stick to one main conflict, in this case the ghost and solving the murder rather than the zip line accident. You can allude to his secrets, but not get into the other conflict. It’s also not clear how the codex and ghosts are related.
In the 250, I think the reveal of the fact that there’s a ghost writing post it notes could be done a little more artfully. I also can’t tell much about where he lives. Can you include some details and why it gets old?
It’s a really nice start and the premise is fun.
Order of the Black
The query could be streamlined to three paragraphs, hook, character/conflict and stakes. I think you can delete the first paragraph all together, and combine the second and third and fourth, and combine the last two. Otherwise, I think it’s well done and I’d certainly be interested in reading it.
The 250 is great. I love the opening paragraph. We get a great sense of who Ginny is, her relationship to her mom and the mystery all in a few sentences. Yay!
I enjoy both these entries, but I have to say VICTORY to ORDER OF THE BLACK, which seems a little more polished at this point.
Gah! Both of these are right up my weird alley.
DeleteTHE STICKY NOTE GHOST (which I think is the perfect title for this book—better than Code X) has an awesome query. I love the dark irony in the hook in that first paragraph. LOVE IT. “There goes adventure.” is the perfect thought from a 12-year-old upon seeing a neighborhood kid in a back brace. My only suggestion is to somehow work the Codex Hammer in a little better or delete it from the query, because it seems out of the blue and out of place.
The first sentence is awesome here. It sets the tone, the mood, the genre… I love it. In the 3rd paragraph, maybe cut, “he was present and to find his murderer.” <-- That’s too direct for me, and it feels too …almost lazy. Maybe something more energetic but subtle to pull me into Jack’s world; They were a constant reminder from a friend I never wanted.
“Find my murderer,” read one.
“Did you find my murderer yet?” read another.
I ripped 5 more from the microwave just before it dinged. Yep, I had a ghost that communicated via sticky notes, and he wasn’t the least strange thing in my house.
Also, maybe axe the note on Law&Order/Matlock and then axe the “Who was Matlock anyway?” I think it distracts from your MC, and it’s sort of a repetition of the Kurt Cobain comment from your opening.
THE ORDER OF THE BLACK query felt a little long in the synopsis. Maybe try to cut this down. I do love the “Then the box arrives” sentence. Also, I was wondering if Ginny’s mom is really traveling the world while Ginny receives the box. (The opening scene has mom and Ginny at home with the box in Ginny’s bedroom.) The hook at the end didn’t read logically to me. How does uncovering secrets threaten her life? I was missing a connection there. Maybe the society will do anything to protect their secrets? Maybe they threaten her and she wonders if they’ll make good on their promise to silence her forever? I’m just guessing to give ideas on how to make this a little more specific.
The first page set the mystery tone perfectly and I did like the writing, but the 1st paragraph read a little clunky to me. Ginny thinks her mother needs to know about the box is what I gathered. There’s a double negative there in the first paragraph that makes me wonder if I understood wrong. (There are things mom doesn’t need to know. But the box wasn’t one of them.) But then Ginny keeps hiding the box. I’m wondering if maybe rearranging that opening sentence might make this a bit more logical. Maybe just tweak that last sentence in the 1st paragraph to something that shows she’s nervous: But the box in Ginny’s nightstand was not one of those trivial things. Ginny knew it wasn’t. That’s why her palms sweated every time her mother came into her room.
The measles dress made me giggle.
Victory to THE STICKY NOTE GHOST. I loved the voice and the humor!
STICKY:
Deletequery - This sounds fun! My big issue with this query though is that it sounds like it’s really Jack’s story and Piper is along for the ride. I’d see of you can make the second paragraph more about how Piper observes these things about Jack.
250 - This is Jack’s POV, right? Is it dual POV? Make sure you indicate that in the query if so. For me, this doesn’t feel like a MG voice at all. Pointing out pop culture things Jack doesn’t know does necessarily make it MG. For example, a 12yo boy probably wouldn’t say “rent-a-cop” or “constant reminder.” I do like the sticky notes and it sounds like Franklin is a neat character. I would read more, but the voice does need some attention.
ORDER:
query - Bring on the boarding school! This one is totally up my alley and I’m dying to know what Ginny’s parents are up to. Someone once told me that the crux of a good MG book is the character finding their place within their family and this has it in spades. I think the creep factor is good, the stakes are high. The query could do with some tightening, especially near the beginning. But overall well done.
250 - I love Ginny already. I think this MG voice is spot on and you’re in tune to what she would be thinking at that exact moment. You’ve introduced Ginny’s secret immediately and amped up the tension right away. Great work!
VICTORY TO ORDER!
STICKY NOTE
DeleteQuery: You have such a fun idea here, and I think you show that really well in your query letter. Your query has the same voice as the first 250, which I applaud, considering how hard it is to do that. A few small things...I would recommend changing “solving the ghost’s murder” to “solving the neighborhood watch president’s murder,” just so you don’t have the word ghost twice in the same sentence. Also, I expect the Codex Hammer to play an important role in the murders, but I’m not sure. “Unlock the mystery of the Codex” is a little too vague for me to confirm my suspicions. Maybe make that slightly clearer.
First 250: First line is golden. Your voice is authentic for a twelve-year-old, and the humor really makes your work shine. Maybe just change “yellow squares” to something like “yellow post-it notes” or “yellow squares of paper.”
THE ORDER:
Query: Right away, I’m drawn in by your pitch. This is the kind of story I would have loved to read as a kid. Your description of the mother as a “world-renowned parenting expert with no parenting skills of her own” amuses me. My one concern is the length of your query. Consider condensing it further. You can cut out words here and there, like “a little curious.”
First 250: Overall, your first page is great, but your first paragraph comes across as slightly confusing. The repetition of the word “thing” gets a little old. I love her description of the dress; it’s a great way to get into her mindset and show the reader how she feels about fancy clothing.
Both of these entries are excellent and I can see each of them being published, but I ultimately feel like THE ORDER is more polished and the query sparks greater intrigue. VICTORY TO THE ORDER.
Congratulations to both Kombatants for pushing into the ring with these fine mysteries!
DeleteTHE STICKY NOTE GHOST describes a mystery that arrives just in time to save Piper from boredom. I like the idea of Jack as a dually haunted character, tormented by both ghosts of the dead and his own personal trauma. My initial concern of this query is that it wanders between the perspectives of the two characters, leading me to wonder who's the main character. As presented, Jack is the more interesting by far, but Piper gets the lead role in the story. I'd encourage the author to pick one point of view, and tell all events from that perspective.
THE ORDER OF BLACK intrigues me because of the historic mystery. I love the ironic introduction of the mother, too. I might cut the part of the quiet life, and focus more on the box as a source of intrigue.
Both of these queries might consider the fact that they both introduce the setting as one of boredom. It's the historic district where nothing happens versus the quiet life in Connecticut. If these were mine to rewrite, I'd banish any suggestion of normalcy or boredom (even as a contrasting element). Why not "street haunted by the recently murdered" or "boarding school that's home to a secret society" instead?
Both authors should be pleased because they've written very compelling books. I can't wait to read them. In the end, it's a very close matchup, but I say:
Victory to THE ORDER OF BLACK
The Sticky Note Ghost
DeleteQuery:
So, Jack is the main character? If this is Jack’s story, I think he should take lead in the first paragraph instead of Piper. It was a bit confusing.
First 250
I thought the line about Kurt Cobain was funny.
This line confused me at first:
But as the seconds ticked down, yellow squares popped onto every surface.
He’s cooking popcorn and yellow squares are popping as well. I had to read it again and to catch it wasn’t popcorn popping onto every surface.
Then I spent way to long trying to figure out how popcorn escaped from the sealed microwave.
Anyway, I could be alone in being confused on this section so weigh it against your other suggestions. If you chose to change it, it would be an easy fix. Maybe say: yellow squares of paper or yellow sticky notes. Or change the food being microwaved. Just don't use Pop Tarts :)
The Order of Black
Query:
You set the tone and stakes for this story very well. I’m hooked.
First 250.
HA! Brilliant last line. Loved this!
Okay, I loved both of these stories. I’m a sucker for ghost stories and mysteries. But a mysterious secret society is too awesome to say no to.
Victory to The Order of the Black
The Sticky Note Ghost: Query: It was not your doing but stumbled over the words elderly neighborhood watch president. I don't know what it was but I had to read it several times to get it to make sense. It was probably just me being dumb but it was a problem for me. Another thing is you start the query with Piper but the pages start with Jack so I'm not quite sure who your MC is. Is it possible it is told in a duel POV? I like the way the ghost communicates in sticky notes. It is a nice touch. 250: Who is Franklin, is he the ghost? I didn't like to two references to "I don't know who that is anyway." about Kurt Cobain and Matlock. My suggestion would be to lose at least one of them. It is too much to have two in 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThe Order of Black: Query: The hook didn't work for me, but that is just one opinion. How come every one lives a quiet life just before adventure happens. Is her life that quiet when she is a soccer star. wouldn't she be busy with school and soccer practice and games and eating on the run between school and soccer? I like how the mother is a world renown parenting expert but doesn't know about how to parent. It seems extreme for mom to send her daughter from the United States to Britain just for school. Aren't there good schools in the United States? I like the idea of a secret society. 250: The first paragraph is perfect in my opinion. For a parent who doesn't know how to parent, Mom is doing a good job with the affirmations. That is a sign of good parenting in my mind. Maybe Ginny doesn't like the dress but that doesn't make her mom bad at parenting. The description of the dress is spot on. I can imagine it in my mind. I like the measles line, the comparing it to a pink toadstool, and having a place to hide a cat.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love both these entries! Well done authors! I also agree with most of the comments above, so mine will be relatively brief.
ReplyDeleteSticky Note Ghost: I also stumbled over "elderly neighborhood watch president" and was confused because the query made Piper the MC and the page was Jack. Agree that one reference to "who is that" is enough for the first page, though they both made me smile. And agree that the query probably doesn't need the zip line but if the codex is important, the connection could be a bit more clear.
That said, I love the premise - so cute! I LOVE the first sentence - consider me hooked. Do consider easing us into the sticky notes. Maybe Jack finds one, but the reader doesn't know who it's from and we just know Jack is annoyed by them?
I really loved this!
The Order of Black:
I grew up in Connecticut and live in England so yep, I'm totally into Ginny!
Query: Definitely combine paragraphs a la Cordelia's suggestion. My only addition is that she is "intrigued and a little curious"? Isn't that like being "famished and a little hungry"? Maybe rethink that line...
Otherwise, this is a brilliant query and I'd be wanting more!
First 250: I've got nothing - just fab! Reminded me of the tone of The President's Daughter, though obviously, a very different story. Can't wait to read the whole thing!
Wonderful work to the both of you! Looking forward to reading these books to my son!
I love both these entries! Well done authors! I also agree with most of the comments above, so mine will be relatively brief.
ReplyDeleteSticky Note Ghost: I also stumbled over "elderly neighborhood watch president" and was confused because the query made Piper the MC and the page was Jack. Agree that one reference to "who is that" is enough for the first page, though they both made me smile. And agree that the query probably doesn't need the zip line but if the codex is important, the connection could be a bit more clear.
That said, I love the premise - so cute! I LOVE the first sentence - consider me hooked. Do consider easing us into the sticky notes. Maybe Jack finds one, but the reader doesn't know who it's from and we just know Jack is annoyed by them?
I really loved this!
The Order of Black:
I grew up in Connecticut and live in England so yep, I'm totally into Ginny!
Query: Definitely combine paragraphs a la Cordelia's suggestion. My only addition is that she is "intrigued and a little curious"? Isn't that like being "famished and a little hungry"? Maybe rethink that line...
Otherwise, this is a brilliant query and I'd be wanting more!
First 250: I've got nothing - just fab! Reminded me of the tone of The President's Daughter, though obviously, a very different story. Can't wait to read the whole thing!
Wonderful work to the both of you! Looking forward to reading these books to my son!
Wonderful job both of you! Two really fun premises and very strong queries.
ReplyDeleteSticky Note Ghost: The idea of a ghost leaving messages via sticky notes just tickled me. My biggest question about your query is actually about whether Piper or Jack is your MC. I thought it was Piper after the first paragraph, but in the second paragraph it seems to become Jack’s story. Do both characters narrate the story? If so, I would mention that in the query. If not, I would open with Jack in the query and mention Piper later (especially because story opens with Jack as your narrator). Even if they both narrate the story, I might open with Jack since he is the first narrator the reader meets.
I like your 250! Jack seemed a bit disgruntled/annoyed to me in the first few paragraphs, so when he said it was the best night ever (except for the ghost), I was a little surprised. Is this about the lack of supervision? Or did something else good happen? Also, how long has this ghost been around? He seems very matter-of-fact about something so ordinary.
The Order of Black: I love boarding school mysteries and secret societies, so this entry is up my alley! I think your query is super clear. I think you can probably cut some extra words here and there, since it is on the long-ish side. For example the 5th paragraph could be shortened to something like:
Two days later, at Ginny’s British boarding school, the symbols from those medallions start to crop up in odd places.
I was also a tad confused with the wording in this sentence, “A father she never knew, unearthing secrets she’s dying to understand.” It sounds like the father is unearthing secrets. Isn’t Ginny solving the mystery?
I love your 250! A great voice and we are hooked into the intrigue straight away. The two nitpicky things I have: “She put her hand to her chest and gasped. Ginny held her breath.” It was initially unclear to me who the ‘she’ in the first sentence was- I would change it to ‘Her mother.’ Also, do cats hide under toadstools typically? Does Ginny love cats? If not, I would change the thing Ginny wants to hide to something found under a toadstool or something Ginny likes. But overall, an awesome entry!
The Sticky Note Ghost
ReplyDeleteI can appreciate the usefulness of trying to capture the voice of the character within the query, but the cliched phrases rubbed me the wrong way (e.g., "kicks the bucket", "bites the dust".) I was enjoying the first two paragraphs of the query, but the third paragraph sounded to me like a different story altogether. Having difficulty getting into the voice of the character in the first 250. And is what the last sentence describes physically possible?
The Order of Black
Love the premise. But wait, what? Ginny's in Connecticut and then in the UK? What did I miss? Which continent was the box shipped to? "Sinister" strikes me as telling. Can you show me what's sinister about it instead? I'd also like to know just what makes the box and its contents so intriguing, because they cause Ginny to go digging into her father's past. I'm guessing she wouldn't otherwise do that, so I'd appreciate insights into her motivations. Because I'm not sure *I* would risk my life for something I'm only curious about. Only very high and clear stakes would make me to that, which I'm having a hard time seeing here. The voice in the first 250 is hysterical! I especially liked the part about the sleeves. But to me they portray Ginny's mother in conflicting manner to the query itself. From the query I thought she'd be cold and aloof, but in the pages she dotes on her daughter even though she might be a terrible parent.
Sticky note: I agree with the other comments about writing the query from Jack's point of view since the opening pages are in his voice. I also don't think you need to add another conflict, in addition to the murder, in the query. Too much going on. The 250- I thought you did a great job with showing us Jack and his life under lock and key. I was wondering why a rent a cop usually interrogates him since this is his house? And the lock of hair sentence was a little confusing. I liked the matlock reference because it made me instantly think of the ghost as an elderly curmudgeon :)
ReplyDeleteOrder of Black: It seems like a coincidence she gets shipped off days after she receives a box from her dad. Is it? I like the query, but I think you should get rid of the first sentence and consolidate the part where she says, 'And then the box arrives,' with the next paragraph. The last paragraph doesn't feel like it fits in with the rest of it. Why would the secret be so important that she would be willing to die? It feels like a sudden leap. Your 250 - great voice and showing us that her mom loves her but is clueless and a little self serving. I smiled with the polka dot dress bit.
You both did a great job!
Sticky note: I agree with the other comments about writing the query from Jack's point of view since the opening pages are in his voice. I also don't think you need to add another conflict, in addition to the murder, in the query. Too much going on. The 250- I thought you did a great job with showing us Jack and his life under lock and key. I was wondering why a rent a cop usually interrogates him since this is his house? And the lock of hair sentence was a little confusing. I liked the matlock reference because it made me instantly think of the ghost as an elderly curmudgeon :)
ReplyDeleteOrder of Black: It seems like a coincidence she gets shipped off days after she receives a box from her dad. Is it? I like the query, but I think you should get rid of the first sentence and consolidate the part where she says, 'And then the box arrives,' with the next paragraph. The last paragraph doesn't feel like it fits in with the rest of it. Why would the secret be so important that she would be willing to die? It feels like a sudden leap. Your 250 - great voice and showing us that her mom loves her but is clueless and a little self serving. I smiled with the polka dot dress bit.
You both did a great job!
THE STICKY NOTE GHOST
ReplyDeleteQuery: This sucked me in, and the notion of a ghost communicating with post-its is fantastic. I've never read a query for a dual-POV book, but you seem to have nailed it. I was expecting the book to start with the girl, since your query did, and further back in time.
250: Nice voice and I like how you jump right into the action. However it felt a bit jumbled. Like I had missed something, or was starting with chapter two. The Curt Cobain reference came out of nowhere and I still don't understand why it's there. I also wanted more background on why security is so high, etc. The writing us crisp, but you left me with too many questions.
THE ORDER OF THE BLACK
Query: I get a nice sense of Ginny's emotional state right up front, and I'm intrigued by the "Da Vinci Code" vibe. Stakes don't seem clear to me. What is at stake? Is she going to die if she pursues the clues? Why?
250: Fantastic voice! You start with high tension and keep it up. Love mom's cringe-worthy entrance, and the way you describe the dress and sleeves.
This is a great match-up. I know it's late in the game, but I really like both of these and wanted you to know!
ReplyDeleteORDER OF BLACK
My daughter would love this book. Cool settings, secret societies, mysterious packages. Great set-up.
Regarding the query-- I don't really think it's THAT long, but if you want to tighten it up, there are definitely some opportunities. For example, I don't think you need the first paragraph. I think your second paragraph is a stronger hook because it introduces the character and puts us right into her world.
Having read the first 250, it's jarring that the mother is both doting AND not traveling currently. Maybe you could just say she travels often. The query makes it sound like she's not around, but on the first page, she's right there. I would also break up the sentence about her father. 'hear anything of him' also reads a little weird.
Okay, so for whatever reason, on my first read-through of the query, I missed that she was in boarding school. I think it's because of this sentence: 'Maybe Ginny would have given a little more thought to the mysterious package, had her mother not shipped her off to a British boarding school two days later.' The sentence somehow manages to lessen the impact of both the box and the boarding school and I think it's because of the tone.
Take this for what it's worth, but here's how I would re-write it:
'Ginny might have given a little more thought to the mysterious box, but two days later, her mother shipped her off to a British boarding school. When symbols from the medallions start to show up at her new school...' You get the idea. Symbols showing up in 'odd places' is a little vague.
Two more things on the query-- I don't think Ginny needs to be intrigued AND a little curious. On a similar note, the last sentence, "is worth the risk... even if it means risking her life" could just be 'is worth risking her life.'
Overall, I think the query does a great job setting up the character, plot and stakes. Nice job!
I really like your first 250. I agree about the double negative in the first paragraph. I had to read it more than once. I also agree with one comment about traditional hiding places for cats. That being said, it was a great visual and it made me smile. Your voice is stellar. Can't wait to read this with my 10 year old! She'll dig it. Good luck!
STICKY NOTE GHOST-- I have to make a whole other comment for you :)
STICKY NOTE GHOST
ReplyDeleteOf all the entries, yours really stood out to me. In a good way. An old man ghost named Franklin who communicates with a twelve year old boy via sticky notes is genius and incredibly memorable. I want-slash-need this to be great.
Okay, the query.
First, as catchy as it is, if the book starts with Jack's POV, the query just has to. He's obviously the MC even if you are doing a dual timeline (which I saw on the hashtag that you are). I think the query would be stronger if you started at the 2nd paragraph. Focus on the murder mystery. It is absolutely strong enough to carry the query without needing the zipline accident or Jack's guilty conscience. Jack's emotional journey will add depth to the book, but I don't think the query needs it.
I do think the unlikely friendship between Jack and Piper is worth mentioning in the query. It will give the reader the idea that there's depth beyond the usual whodunit stuff. And I love the idea of that.
And then there's the Codex Hammer. Hmm... I get that it's super important to the book, but in the query it almost feels like a non sequitur. There's a lot going on in this third paragraph and each sentence seems unrelated to the one that came before it. Having not read the book, I'm just guessing, but I don't think you need it. If you focus on the neighborhood murders, the characters (including the ghost), and the crime-solving adventure, you'll have done more than enough to hook a reader. (Me, at least).
The first 250: You've gotten some great feedback already on your 250. Your first sentence is great. Like, great. The rest of the first paragraph has some issues for me. Is the passcode important? Like paragraph #1 important? If it is, never mind. I do like the threat of getting a background check after walking through your own front door and you should keep it, but maybe instead of the random Kurt Cobain reference, you could work the weird artifacts and bulletproof glass in right from the get go.
As soon as the sticky notes pop up-- tell us what they say and intersperse the action, the notes, and Jack's internal monologue. Just a thought.
A couple of other little things. I feel like the sticky note ghost IS probably the strangest thing in the house.
'Rounded through' the living room reads weird. 'and dropped my bag of popcorn' doesn't really go with the verbs leading into it. Maybe his popcorn goes flying as he's colliding, you know? And I really like the last sentence, but if someone else doesn't it's probably an MG voice issue.
I love this concept. I think it's a total winner. I wish you the very best of luck with your revisions!!