Jun 15, 2015

QK Round 2: Papergirl/Yesterday v. Musical Mirror Mayhem

Title: The Last Paper Dahl
Entry Nickname: Paper Girl in The Land of Yesterday
Word count: 63K
Genre: MG Fantasy

Query:

On Monday, eleven-year-old Cecelia Dahl had a little brother who was alive, a mother and father who didn't blame her for his death, and a pleasant house in Hungrig, Norway. She was made of skin and bones and happiness, not crackling paper and sorrow. She had a soul that lived inside her body, not a miserable blue one that ran out through a door in her chest. But then Tuesday swept in with its terrible claws and ripped her life to shreds.

Cecelia’s mother has left for The Land of Yesterday to find her ghost brother. Her house, now a dark and crooked thing called Widdendream, absorbs her father into its walls as punishment for making her mother leave. Just before it eats her as well, two mischievous gnomes whisk her away in their hot-air balloon. The gnomes, soul-catchers by trade, claim they know the way to Yesterday, and also how to capture her runaway soul. They say its absence is why she’s turning into a paper girl, but that finding it won’t be easy. Now Cecelia must survive the harrowing voyage in order to find Yesterday and bring her mother and ghost-brother home. If she doesn’t, Widdendream will never give her father back, and Cecelia’s transformation to a full paper Dahl will be irreversibly complete.

First 250:

Cecelia hated Tuesday, and Tuesday hated her back. On Monday of last week, Cecelia Dahl understood the world. She resided in Hungrig Norway, in a crooked house called Widdendream. Daisies that bloomed in both grass and snow circled the shimmering lake outside her window. Sharp mountains loomed over her town. Dogs barked. Cats meowed. Cecelia’s midnight blue hair grew long and fast and cantankerous. Her skin was dark and bronze and oddly freckled, just like her mother’s. Widdendream loved her family, as all good houses should, and her family loved her the same way. Indeed, on Monday of last week, these were all true-to-life facts.

Then on Tuesday, one week ago today, Cecelia did the bad thing. Her little brother died and she took the blame, and now Tuesday had come again. And Cecelia dreaded what it would bring.

“Cecilia?” Miss Podsnappery pushed up her horn-rimmed glasses. “What ever do you call that instrument in your hand?”
Every eye in class turned on Cecelia. Expressionless gazes traced her charcoal sweater and the black-and-gray striped dress beneath it, judging her frayed tights and scuffed boots too, no doubt. Her teacher, bewildered as always, cast looming shadows. Cecelia forced a smile. She must keep her answer as succinct as possible, forgoing any miscommunications. Teachers were simple creatures, after all. And easily confused.

“Miss Podsnappery,” Cecilia answered, speaking with extra care as not to confuse the poor woman, for she did try exceedingly hard to please. “This,” she continued, holding up the device in question, “is what is called a Pen.”

V.


Entry Nickname: Musical Mirror Mayhem
Title: The Fantastical Tale of Mirrorland: The Musical
Word count: 59K
Genre: Lighthearted MG Fantasy

Query:

Twelve-year-old Jack tells his soccer buddies he’s auditioning for the middle school musical because he needs an easy performing arts credit. He'd be mortified if they found out how badly he wants to be on stage. But if Jack had known that The Fantastical Tale of Mirrorland would be such a poorly-rhymed, nonsensical mess, he might have joined the band instead. Things go from embarrassing to just plain weird when rabbits invade the rehearsal room, the music director passes out on the piano keys, and Jack finds himself transported to the real Mirrorland.

Only, the musical got it all wrong. The Jester can't tell jokes. Jack's character, Leroy the Slayer, is not a villain, but an overweight magical repairman, and the true bad guy is the fairy queen. She'll do anything–even kidnap Jack's brother–to restore her status in the kingdom. To top it all off, thanks to a casting glitch, Mirrorland itself is trying to kill one of Jack’s cast mates!

When Jack discovers that he has the same magical powers as the real Leroy, it’s up to him to save his friends, his brother, the citizens of Mirrorland… and the middle school musical.

First 250:

Run, thought Jack. It's not too late to escape! He stared at the red exit sign as forty nervous middle schoolers whispered and fidgeted around him.

Jack commanded his body to stay put. He unfolded the damp sheet of paper clutched in his hand, and reviewed the words for the thousandth time.

You WILL return me my enchanted stone
Or you will wish you’d never taken that throne


The verse sounded stupider each time he read it, but it was what he was given to recite for the audition. Mrs. Harper said the words might seem less silly once they were set to music.

Singing. He wished he hadn’t remembered that part. He crumpled up the paper and plucked at the fuzz lining the edges of his dull red auditorium seat.

Jack's buddies thought he was auditioning because he needed a performing arts credit for his seventh-grade year. They’d expect him to be cast as an extra and get off easy. He hadn’t mentioned to them that he’d always dreamed of being on stage–making people laugh, cry, rise to their feet cheering–they wouldn't understand. They might laugh him off the soccer team, but Jack was going for a lead role. Jester? Too goofy. Villain? Yes.

“All right, everyone!” Mrs. Harper yelled over the buzz, startling Jack to attention. The students fell into a jittery silence. Auditions were about to start.

17 comments :

  1. Judges, please vote as a reply to this comment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PAPER GIRL IN THE LAND OF YESTERDAY

      I really like the changes you made to the query. The opening line hints at the conflict without getting too complicated or double-negative.

      Love your opening line. The first 250 introduces the main character, the setting, and the conflict. Love the line about teachers being simple creatures. The voice definitely comes through.

      I'm feeling a bit of disconnect between the first two paragraphs and the following ones. There's a lot that happens in the first two paragraphs, but then in the conversation with her teacher, she doesn't seem like someone who was blamed for her brother's death or who's dreading things.


      -vs-

      MUSICAL MIRROR MAYHEM

      I didn't notice many big changes to the query. It does its job of introducing the characters, conflicts, and stakes. I'm still curious about what sort of magical powers Leroy (and then Jack) has, though, and how Mirrorland differs from the real world.

      The first 250 definitely threw us right into the conflict and introduced us to the main character - nice job.

      My only (nitpicky!) advice is to rework the sentence in the penultimate paragraph that starts "He hadn't mentioned to them..." The final part ("They wouldn't understand") ought to be its own sentence.


      Victory to... PAPER GIRL IN THE LAND OF YESTERDAY!

      Delete
    2. These are both great! I wish I could vote for both of them!

      Paper Girl - I came in as a tie-splitter on this one in the previous round, and I think you’ve done a great revision on your query. It’s clearer and less redundant with the first 250. Good job!

      I think you might possibly want to break up the paragraphing a bit in the first 250 a bit more, especially the first paragraph.

      Watch for sentence structure repetition in the first 250, especially when pushing against conventional rules (long and fast and cantankerous, dark and bronze and oddly freckled; 2 final sentences of paragraphs starting w/And). I think these are fine individually, but you don’t want to repeat them so close together.

      I still completely adore the voice and all the weird, dreamy details. Wonderful!

      Musical Mirror Mayhem - This sounds like so much fun! You do a great job capturing the combined excitement of theater & self-consciousness of it not being necessarily a “cool kid” thing. I definitely feel very much in Jack’s head in the 250. The promised hijinks and adventure sound very entertaining.

      I would love to have a better sense in the query of what’s going to be compelling and/or original about the “other magical world” parts. Leroy the magical repairman is a great detail, and gives me the impression it’s mostly going to be silly and humorous... but what’s emotionally at stake in the other world? What’s Jack’s arc and stakes there? I kind of love the subtle implication that for him it’s about saving the show more than saving the world (it’s very theater kid), and if I’m reading that right might like to see more of that. Overall I don’t have a great sense of what the other world is like (other than generically zany) or what sort of hard choices he might have to make to resolve the conflict, though.

      Best of luck to both these entries—I hope you get tons of requests when they reveal them! I wish I didn’t have to pick, but since I do...

      VICTORY TO PAPER GIRL!

      Delete
    3. Paper Dahl:

      I'm still not crazy about the set-up of the query. Just tell us what happens that ruins Cecelia's life. We don't need all this "On Monday, none of the bad stuff had happened yet." It's taking up valuable query real estate that could be put to better use. And it's distracting. What's the Land of Yesterday? Why is her ghost brother there? why is the house NOW a dark and crooked thing with a name? There's a line between being mysterious and downright confusing, and I just feel like this query raises more questions than it answers.

      The first paragraph of the 250 is much too similar to the first paragraph of the query. That's another reason to rework one of them. Personally, I'd cut the first two paragraphs entirely. I don't care what happened a week ago - if it's so important, start the story a week ago. Otherwise, tell me what's happening NOW.

      Personally, I'm not a fan of "ha, ha, adults are stupid," even in kids' books, and the voice doesn't sound like an 11-year-old to me with phrases like "as succinct as possible, forgoing any communications." She also comes across as a bit snotty, to my ear.


      Musical Mirror Mayhem:
      I still love this query. It tells me exactly what to expect from the book, it's good good voice, and I understand the character and the conflict. The only thing I could suggest beefing up a little is the stakes - the musical doesn't feel like the most important thing, with all those lives on the line, so I'm not sure that's the best place to end. I'd also like a bit more about Jack's magical powers, personally.

      Great first page. I love the voice, I get a hint of the conflict, and I really want to read on. You could cut "to them" after "he hadn't mentioned," but that's a minor detail. Well done.

      VICTORY TO MUSICAL MIRROR MAYHEM

      Delete
    4. Princess ButtercupJune 16, 2015 at 9:47 AM

      Paper Dahl

      To be honest, I can find little to critique in your query letter. It’s succinct and conveys your world in a way that’s easy to understand—and it sounds like it would be more than a little easy to muddy this world. Well done.

      The same is true for your 250. I love the voice in this and would definitely read on. My only critique is a personal one—and that’s the image of the bumbling/unintelligent adult. It’s done as much in MG as perpetually dead/missing/forever-travelling/clinically-depressed/addiction-addled parents are in YA. However, your writing is lovely and I would definitely read on.

      Musical Mirror Mayhem

      I remembered your entry from round one and hoped you’d make it to round two! Your premise sounded so fun!

      Your query is strongest in the first paragraph but I’m a little confused in the second. I think that first sentence (Only, the musical got it wrong.) needs to do a better job of transitioning the reader from the real world to Mirrorland. This is common and extremely hard to balance when you have a complex world or dual world systems, so don’t be discouraged. Just revise, revise, revise. Show us the juxtaposition of these two worlds.

      I went into your 250 excited to see this story in action, and you do a decent job of getting us in Jack’s head. My main concern is that there’s an awful lot of telling instead of showing. Would it be possible to put a couple of Jack’s buddies in the auditorium with him? There to support their friend in the worst way possible, of course.

      You might also consider setting the scene a bit more (some call it framing) because we know Jack’s in the auditorium, but I imagined him standing in the doorway since he’s contemplating running. It wasn’t until you mentioned him picking at the fuzz of his seat that I realized he was sitting. It’s a small thing here, but something you might want to check in the rest of your MS.

      Another tough call on the voting but in the end, I’m declaring: VICTORY TO THE LAST PAPER DAHL

      Delete
    5. Paper Girl in The Land of Yesterday Query:

      I love this query. It highlights the unique voice of the story with specific, layered details. It evokes emotion—a query! Evoking emotion! I’m in awe.

      First 250:

      The pages compliment the query well. My only personal nitpick was the list of setting details about the sharp mountains, dogs, and cats are disconnected from her point-of-view, when everything else (query included) has meaning and sensation attached. It just feels like a list of things. It’s fine and not wrong, but feels unnecessary for the first page when so much else is infused with emotion.

      Musical Mirror Mayhem Query:

      This query is pretty solid. I think removing the cliché “to top it all off” will make the writing shine (the extra words aren’t needed), and I would nix the exclamation point at the end. It feels a little bit like the lead is buried when we find out Jack has powers all the way at the end of the query. I’m wondering if there is a way to work that into the second paragraph so this is known as part of his journey and not shown like it’s an afterthought (clearly it’s not). Also, what happens if he doesn’t succeed? Does he stay trapped in the portal world forever? A hint of what he stands to lose will make the hook stronger.

      First 250:

      The opening *reflects* the tone of the query and *mirrors* what’s shown there. (hiding from the Pun Police). The page shows immediate tension. One thought might be to show Jack reacting to something said in the auditorium—he’s next up, or someone is singing onstage which triggers his additional narrative, just to give it a little more of an active feel. It’s more of a cause and effect than straight narration on the page. Overall, it’s an enjoyable read and a good place to start the story.

      Victory to PAPER GIRL IN THE LAND OF YESTERDAY

      Delete
    6. Paper Girl:

      The improvements to this query are pretty dramatic and clarify so much of the confusion I felt last round. I get a much better sense of what your book is about. This now sounds like a novel that will no doubt grab an agent's attention. In the 250, I am thrown off by the brother's death--how did he die and why did she take the blame? There is a lack of grief, which seems odd to me, especially for a girl who is about to go on a massive voyage to right what happened. I also see a disconnect between the first 2 paragraphs and the last 2. They just don't go to together and it feels like the first two are a prologue of sorts. I'd like to see more of a connection, or a delineation if appropriate.

      Mirror:

      I like this query a lot as is, though the second paragraph doesn't flow as well as it probably could. Perhaps try reading it out loud a few times and see if you might reword or rearrange a few things. I do wonder about the mention of soccer buddies in the beginning. Is it necessary to say all that about Jack not wanting to be embarrassed? That's prime word space for the query and might be better used for additional details about the plot.

      As I read the 250, I keep wondering why Jack is embarrassed and what message this might send to a 7th grade boy. I know MG is often about finding yourself and your place and it rubs me the wrong way that you set your MC up right at the beginning to hide his interests. I think I'm safe in assuming that he overcomes this at the end, but it just doesn't sit well with me having that concept present at all. I am but one person though. I do think the 250 is well written and you've got a great voice with Jack.

      This one is based on marketability IMO - victory to PAPER GIRL

      Delete
    7. Paper Girl

      Query
      I love the whimsy and originality of your story. This query reads like a mixed up fairy tale. There are a couple areas you can tighten up, however. The line "not a miserable blue one that ran out" is a bit confusing and awkward. Is there a better way you could word this to make it clear that the "one" mentioned is Cecelia's soul?

      In the second paragraph your first line has an ambiguous reference "her ghost brother" in this case could refer to Cecelia's brother OR her mother's brother. Consider rewording to clarify. Looking at the last clause of the last sentence, "…transformation to a full paper Dahl will be irreversibly complete," the wording awkward and you have an unnecessary adjective. If you reword slightly it will read more smoothly: "…transformation to a full paper Dahl will be irreversible."

      First 250
      What a fantastic first line. I love the irreverent tone. The whimsical wording, names like Mrs. Podsnappery, all snag me and drag me into the story. That said, the first part of your narrative is exposition and it's passive voice. The first page is critical. If possible avoid exposition so early in the story. I've love to see the things your describing in those first paragraphs, but in the context of the scene, not as summation. When you get into the classroom and the interaction with Mrs. Podsnappery and Cecelia, the story becomes active and engaging. There are still lovely, whimsical details, aplenty.

      Musical Mirror Mayhem

      Query
      I really like the idea of an Alice Through the Looking Glass type tale with a male protagonist. This sounds like a fun story and you've done a good job giving a sense of both the story and Jack in your query. There are a few places you can tighten up, however. Is Jack's lie to his friends central to the story? I'm guessing not. If it is, that needs to be highlighted lower in the query where you're laying out consequences. I'd suggest killing the first two sentences of the query and beginning with "If twelve-year-old Jack had known…." That way we get to the heart of the story faster in your query.

      The second paragraph is a bit confusing. It's not clear how the fairy queen kidnapping Jack's brother would help the queen, or even what her status IS in the kingdom. Is there a way you could word this to provide a clearer picture of the situation? By that same token, how does a castling glitch lead to potential homicide. I presume Mirrorland isn't a character in and of itself, if it is, make that clear, and thus the potential death threat must be coming from something or someone in Mirrorland. Consider revising to make that threat clear. What are the stakes for Jack in all of this? What happens if he doesn't save the musical? What happens if he decides to walk away and let Mirrorland fall apart? What awful thing would happen that directly effects Jack?

      First 250
      There is a ton of pressure on writers to create a perfect first line. Barring that we're told to make it exciting! Entice the reader with action. Threaten death. I think your first few lines are fall into that unfortunate trap. While it's true your first line IS important, as long as it's a clunky mess, readers are going to keep reading and you don't need to lure them in with fake action. My personal preference would be to start with "Jack stared at the red exist sign…." That perfectly convey's Jack's nervousness and anxiety, plus it gives concrete details that really bring the story to life from line one.

      Watch out for blocks of exposition as well. The paragraph about Jack's mates takes up a lot of real-estate and it slows the pace. You can convey that same information in a line or two, perhaps with a thought, or a comment. Maybe one of Jack's friends texts him. But the point is, make it active, make it quick. The heart of the action in this scene is Jack's audition and you want to get there a bit more quickly.

      Victory goes to - Paper Girl

      Delete
  2. These are both great.

    PAPER - Your query is so clear about where all this goes and your last line gave me shivers. The last line of your 250 made me chuckle. I love it.

    MUSICAL - Your query is strong and makes your story sound really fun. Your 250 is also strong, I wish I could see a bit more of how he actually wants to be in the musical instead of having you tell me. Could you show me in just one or two details sprinkled in this first 250?

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  3. Paper Dahl - Your writing is lovely, the story idea shows lots of imagination, and the stakes are clear. The opening 250 started strong, but though I liked the name 'Podsnappery' and the idea that 'Teachers were simple creatures...' the tone felt false following paragraph two. Perhaps things will become clear, but at this point, I'm surprised to find Cecelia more focused on looking down at her teacher than on simply surviving/overcoming guilt if she believes her brother's death is her fault.

    Mirror - The query is fun and engaging, and does a good job setting the stakes. I loved the opening 250 as well and liked the way you folded in the mc's dreams vs his fears about what his friends will think of them -- before an adventure unfolds which will soon challenge his courage.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Last Paper Dahl
    Query: I love this opening. I loved it in the first round but it’s more streamlined now. There’s so much strong imagery that makes the story intriguing without confusing the reader. The only thing that needs a touch more explanation for me is the transformation into a paper dahl. It is so unusual (in an awesome way) but it’s kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Also, I noticed you use dahl vs doll? What’s the significance that it’s the same as her last name? Great ideas. Love the poetic tonel!

    250: the voice is fantastic. The first paragraph is so evocative in terms of imagery. I can see Cecelia without feeling like I just suffered an info dump. You might check your comma use. I’m not sure but you might be able to omit some. Dialogue section is so humorous and we immediately get the tone of the piece. Very middle grade. Very cute.

    Musical Mirror Mayhem
    Query: what a fun idea! The paragraph was very easy to read and drew me right in. The second paragraph had a bit too much going on for me--there might be too many characters. The killing of a cast mate might be unnecessary so you may consider omitting that line. You already have enough great stuff in terms of conflict.

    250: So great he is going for the part of the villain! I’m guessing he gets the lead. Sets up for some nice tension. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Last Paper Dahl
    Query: I love this opening. I loved it in the first round but it’s more streamlined now. There’s so much strong imagery that makes the story intriguing without confusing the reader. The only thing that needs a touch more explanation for me is the transformation into a paper dahl. It is so unusual (in an awesome way) but it’s kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Also, I noticed you use dahl vs doll? What’s the significance that it’s the same as her last name? Great ideas. Love the poetic tonel!

    250: the voice is fantastic. The first paragraph is so evocative in terms of imagery. I can see Cecelia without feeling like I just suffered an info dump. You might check your comma use. I’m not sure but you might be able to omit some. Dialogue section is so humorous and we immediately get the tone of the piece. Very middle grade. Very cute.

    Musical Mirror Mayhem
    Query: what a fun idea! The paragraph was very easy to read and drew me right in. The second paragraph had a bit too much going on for me--there might be too many characters. The killing of a cast mate might be unnecessary so you may consider omitting that line. You already have enough great stuff in terms of conflict.

    250: So great he is going for the part of the villain! I’m guessing he gets the lead. Sets up for some nice tension. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dahl: This is my first time seeing your entry. Your query has blown me away. Incredible imagination, incredible voice and word choice, so much fun, and you've managed to include all kinds of new and unique things without confusing me. I cannot find a think to pick on and I'm totally jealous of your query writing chops!!!!

    First 250: That first paragraph could seem like an info-dumpy set up but somehow it's perfect instead. I'd like more info with the second paragraph. You drop a bomb on the reader, that she did something and her brother died, then immediately move on to what seems like a normal school situation. (Or as normal as anything could be in such a story!) But the transition feels jarring and I feel shorted by not knowing more about what happened, at least a hint. The paragraph with the teacher is nowhere near as compelling as the hint of whatever happened with the brother, so for me it breaks the flow.
    Love to read this someday!

    Musical Mirror: The query is strong, the stakes are clear, and I have the total sense that as a reader, I'd be in for a really good time. Love the idea that not only does he have to save everyone, he also has to save the school musical!

    First 250: I like Jack's voice. My only suggestion would be with that one large paragraph. The way it's currently written, it takes us out of Jack's POV into a narrator's. I think you can put it into his thoughts more instead of just telling us the situation. That will give it more voice and take us deeper into his POV at the same time. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Last Paper Dahl

    Query: I love it! I think it's really clear, yet still filled with voice.

    First 250: I found the lack of transition between the second and third paragraphs jarring. I expected a scene directly related to the narration of those first two paragraphs to follow, so I felt a bit of whiplash getting dropped into a classroom with a clueless teacher instead of anything to do with her brother's death. The voice is still fantastic, though.

    Musical Mirror Mayhem

    Query: I feel like I want a little less of the first paragraph, and a little more on the situation in Mirrorland. What exactly are Jack's powers--and what are the specific actions he's going to have to do to "save" the day? Right now, I don't understand that, and saving the day feels kinda generic. I'd like to know if he has to do something quirky or scary, and I'd like to know exactly what that is.

    First 250: Overall, I liked this! I could feel for the MC here. I feel like the paragraph on his buddies may be just a bit much for this particular early moment, though. It slows the scene more than I'd like, but it could just be me.

    Good luck to both of you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. i'm feeling the love on both of these!

    Paper Dahl: great revisions, from what i remember in the last round! your query is much clearer and the first 250 flow much better. and i love your title:).

    Musical: as a former local high school musical performer from the 80s (dating myself):), this story this piqued my interest right away. i did actually feel jack's nerves in the opening scene..really well executed.

    judges have it tough--glad i just get to give my 2 cents...nice!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Paper Girl: I read this in an earlier round and found it absolutely fascinating. It is even stronger now, even more engrossing, and chilling. One tiny bump in the query: Her house, now a dark and crooked thing called Widdendream . . . ” This almost seems to say that her house is now called Widdendream, which is a dark and crooked place. Perhaps switch it around: Her house, Widdendream, is now a dark and crooked place that absorbs her father into its walls as punishment for making her mother leave. The 250 left me breathless. Your writing is magnificent.

    Musical Mirror Mayhem: I love the clever premise, so many stakes interwoven! The voice is really fun and lively. Query: This worked really well, a smooth and succinct introduction with all the right elements. The last paragraph might need a little more development, perhaps sharing why Jack has magical powers. Maybe something like this: As Leroy’s twisted mirror image, Jack has Leroy’s magical abilities, at least some of them. The 250: I really enjoyed Jack’s voice, but there is a subtle pov shift in this line that needs to slide back to 3rd person: Jack's buddies thought he was auditioning because he needed a performing arts credit for his seventh-grade year. This sounds omniscient, since we are now able to see from the buddies’ pov. A tiny tweak will fix it, perhaps: Jack had told his buddies he was auditioning . . .

    Best wishes to both of you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The Last Paper Dahl/ Paper Girl in The Land of Yesterday

    I really like this concept. The query sets up the world very well, it shows the unique qualities of your story and outlines the stakes.

    I love the voice in your 250, it's perfect for MG. I've learned through my own feedback that starting out by describing the setting, no matter how nicely done, can tune the reader out. So maybe just a few sentences to set the scene then jump into the action of the moment, her confrontation with the teacher, and later you can slip in the details on the surroundings.

    Good luck!
    Jamie


    Musical Mirror Mayhem/ The Fantastical Tale of Mirrorland: The Musical

    I like the idea of a boy getting pulled into a magical mirror. It was a little hard for me to follow the main plot and to determine the personal stakes for Jack in the query. There was a lot of plot points thrown out that didn't seem to connect to Jack's struggles. Maybe if you trimmed up the first paragraph, it would leave you more room to go into detail about the world on the other side of the mirror and how it affects Jack.

    The 250 is very intriguing. I like the starting point and would read on. I don't have anything to add, the writing flowed well and set the scene nicely.

    Good job and good luck!
    Jamie

    ReplyDelete