Original Query
Dear Awesome Agent,
In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.
A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts makes her a freak. And the fact that those original parts are covered with tribal scars, received as punishment for crimes against the tribe, makes Ravin untouchable.
When she is harvested for full-body recycling she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.
Terrified by the thought of swapping form a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough but he’s escaped before. When their comm plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body, and heart, can endure to save them, or die trying.
PRIME is a Brave New World meets Frankenstein Sci Fi, with strong romantic elements, complete at 61k words.
Edited Query
Dear Awesome Agent: (colon, not a comma)
In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency Your first sentence has tense issues. I would go with 'In the near future, the sale of body parts will be legalized and biology will become the new currency.'. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.
A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts, and that makes her a freak. The fact that those original parts are covered with markings received as punishment for crimes against the tribe makes her untouchable.
When she is harvested for full-body recycling (Why is she harvested for full body recycling? For money? Why not just sell an arm and 'secure' her future?) comma she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention comma until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.
Terrified by the thought of swapping from a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough comma but he’s escaped before. When their escape plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body and heart no commas here can endure in order to save them, I'd like to know a bit more about what Ravin has to do to save them. Even a little hit would really drive this last paragraph home. I'd tack that sentence on to the end a leave us with the 'or die trying' you had initially.
PRIME is a 61k word Sci fi with strong romantic elements. It is best described as Brave New World meets Frankenstein.
Great query. You have a lot of good stuff here. Good luck with your NOQS requests. Keep us posted.
Nov 24, 2013
Query Critique: PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES
Original Query:
I am writing to you seeking representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end.
Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck.
When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. Getting her life back becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when another scorned housewife joins her cause to reclaim what’s rightfully hers, things really go awry.
Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work, and framing his mistress in the process. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves. She’s a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if she can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in prison instead.
I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense.
I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon!
Sincerely,
Cara
Edited Version:
Dear Mr. Anthony:
I am writing to you to seek representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end. Not a huge fan of revealing the fact that there is a twist at the end, but that may be a personal issue.
Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood Great opening.. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps I don't like this sentence. It doesn't fit as nicely as your other sentences. I would cut it completely and move on to your next sentence. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck. This should be 'Faithful husband, uncheck'. The way it's written is like your MC wants her husband to cheat. ie Cheating Husband-check (that means he has a cheating husband)
When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. I love your voice. Great job. Getting her husband back and punishing his mistress becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when (name of character) joins her cause to reclaim the faith of the man she married, things really go awry. (I altered this sentence a little because I had a lot of questions here initially. Then I reread your query and understood what you were trying to say. It's written clearly if you already know your story, but for someone being introduced to it, it got a little tricky. I tried to clarify that it's two women and two husbands rather than two women and one husband.
Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work no comma and framing his mistress in the process. I've been back and forth with this sentence. I like it but I feel like it would flow better as two sentences. Ask for a second opinion though before you change it. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves; she's a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if (name of character) can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in Bedford Hills Women's Correctional (I felt like naming an actual prison would be stronger and ground your story better. Bedford Hills is a max. security women's prison in NY)
I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense. I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon. (No exclamation point. This IS a business letter after all.)
Sincerely,
No space here unless you're mailing your query. This space is for signatures. It isn't needed if you're emailing.
Cara
Hope this helps...and I hope you don't mind be posting this to my blog. If you do, give me a shout and I'll take it down.
Nov 22, 2013
Query Critique Opportunity (for me and you)
First THREE people to offer critiques on my query will receive a query critique in return. If you want, I'll even post your query to my blog for public critique. Let me know if you're BRAVE enough for it. Critique will be completed before Thanksgiving but I'll aim to finish them before Monday.
If you've received a crit from me within the last month, I'd love to hear your advice but this critique opportunity is for newish queries.
Special consideration if you write a longer critique (I'm taking a few paragraphs). Comment the time you start the critique first (ie Started 7:27pm) then comment the actual critique. I'll consider the time you started rather than the time you finished.
My Query:
Slave to an alcoholic father and therapist to an emotionally dependent brother, sixteen-year-old Damien Crown is the glue holding the shattered pieces of his family together. Between quelling his dad’s rage after happy hour and maneuvering around his brother's tender emotional state, Damien doesn’t have time for friends or school.
Until he wakes up dead.
Killed by an out-of-control driver, not only does Damien wake up in a new body but he also gets a life-coach. Ironically, that life-coach is Death. Granted one more year at life as a new kid in his old school, Damien is no longer bound by the responsibilities of family. No father, no brother, no stress, right?
Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. Only this time, he’s forbidden to make any contact under Death’s promise of ‘dire consequences’. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. (One more sentence to drive the stakes home. Been working on it for ages. Haven’t quite got it.)
MY BEST FRIEND, DEATH is a 64,000 word Contemporary Paranormal? that would blah blah blah. Bio…
Sincerely,
Seymore Butts
Thoughts From Outside the Box
Has the world gone crazy or is it just me?
I'm kind of a hybrid kid. I went to college but had to take a leave of absence because my mom (whom I'm living with) makes too much money for Pell grant assistance (according to FAFSA), but not enough to pay for college for me AND my brother (according to math). Thankfully, I will be a full-time student again next year!
But that's not important. The financial aid system is effed up, but that's trivial in the scope of what I'm about to reveal.
I have just discovered that of ALL the people I still talk to from high school (and who didn't complete college) I am the last non-married childless one of the bunch. I'll wait a moment for that to sink in...
Now, I've been thinking about this all day and I've evaluated the situation two ways. 1: There's something wrong with me. I dropped the ball on the whole dating scene and I need to seriously step my game up. I need to meet a nice girl instead of sitting in front of my computer writing about guys meeting nice girls. I need to escape this effed up conundrum.
Or 2: My friends have no idea what to do with their lives now that high school is over. There are no more test, quizzes, football games, projects, gossip, insane teachers, or pretty girls/handsome guys. Their life has no focus anymore...and it ended so abruptly. I mean, one minute you're stressing over finals and the next you're crying to Friends Forever by Vitamin C and planning next years trip to the Homecoming game.
 |
| I love you guys. Aww, group hug! |
I think my friends don't know what to do at this stage of their lives so they mimic their parents, hoping it'll buy them time to figure out how to be an adult. 'Cause, you know, adulthood is is just like graduating high school. You're sitting at the kid's table one day and the next day some old geezer slaps you with 'Come on, we're all adults here, right?' Like, WTF. When did that happen?
I want to shake my friends stupid. I mean, I know it's the path they chose, but come on. There is an entire world out there. I mean, the earth has 57.5 MILLION square miles of land, of culture, of awesome shish-kabob, and delectable ice cream. Why would you want to take the fast track to living in a box, driving in a box, and working in a box before you had a chance to see, to experience, as much as possible?
Am I crazy to think that way?
Nov 17, 2013
Query Critique: THE OATH TAKER
Original query:
While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally.
Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world.
But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness.
Edited query:
While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally. This first paragraph has nothing that makes my ears perk up. The sister's suicide holds no emotional weight because I don't know either the sister or the main character. If you want to make this work, you have to dredge up those universal emotions concerning death of a loved one and personify it using the sister as your catalyst. Hard to do in a few words, but very possible.
Your last two sentences only serves to confuse because I have no idea how a person can literally be a river of hell--side note: capitalize Hell so we know you're referring to the place.
The lack of voice is made glaringly apparent by the use of the single word sentence at the end. It could work, but not with your current word choice. Word choice is a very important tool that engages the reader and helps them get inside your MC's head. Everyone has a style, a pattern, a rhythm to their voice and word choice. Try to capture that and let it show in your query.
Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. This first sentence is telling what's happening in your story rather than showing and engaging the reader. It seems to me that your query (and possibly your story) would benefit if you started AFTER she discovers she's the River Styx and work the back story in briefly so this doesn't seem like a 'chosen one' novel. I've read several agent interview that state they are sick of seeing 'chosen one' novels. I don't know if it's a trend or just personal taste. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. How did they escape and why is it Morgan's job to exorcise them? I have no idea what the River Styx is so you have to drop hints here and there to clarify the greek? mythology. Agents may not have time to do research on your query. Also, you have a telling vs. showing issue with this sentence as well Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. Just like in your first paragraph, this sentence only serves to exaggerate the lack of voice in the rest of your query. Once again, it'll work, but you need to add personality to the rest of your sentences. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world. These four sentences came out of nowhere. I know you're trying to add another dimension to your character's struggle, but each added dimension has to have a track record in your query. It can't just be mentioned once. If it is, it's not important enough to be in your query.
But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. Why did they kill an eleven year old? As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. Trains how? Who was she? Who is she? and who does she need to be? When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. The answers to what? This last sentence confuses me. I don't know what you mean by Hell having no Furies. As for describing a suicide as a coincidence, that seems kind of...heartless to me. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. Forgiveness?
This last paragraph asks a lot more questions than it answers. You need a clearer outlining of the stakes and what it is your character needs to do to defeat the Furies as well as why she's doing it. Guilt, IMO, is not a strong enough motivator to hinge someone's actions on.
This reads a lot like a brief synopsis rather than an enticing query. Read the back cover of some books as well as successful queries to get a good idea of what info is necessary and how to leave the reader wanting more.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally.
Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world.
But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness.
Edited query:
While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally. This first paragraph has nothing that makes my ears perk up. The sister's suicide holds no emotional weight because I don't know either the sister or the main character. If you want to make this work, you have to dredge up those universal emotions concerning death of a loved one and personify it using the sister as your catalyst. Hard to do in a few words, but very possible.
Your last two sentences only serves to confuse because I have no idea how a person can literally be a river of hell--side note: capitalize Hell so we know you're referring to the place.
The lack of voice is made glaringly apparent by the use of the single word sentence at the end. It could work, but not with your current word choice. Word choice is a very important tool that engages the reader and helps them get inside your MC's head. Everyone has a style, a pattern, a rhythm to their voice and word choice. Try to capture that and let it show in your query.
Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. This first sentence is telling what's happening in your story rather than showing and engaging the reader. It seems to me that your query (and possibly your story) would benefit if you started AFTER she discovers she's the River Styx and work the back story in briefly so this doesn't seem like a 'chosen one' novel. I've read several agent interview that state they are sick of seeing 'chosen one' novels. I don't know if it's a trend or just personal taste. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. How did they escape and why is it Morgan's job to exorcise them? I have no idea what the River Styx is so you have to drop hints here and there to clarify the greek? mythology. Agents may not have time to do research on your query. Also, you have a telling vs. showing issue with this sentence as well Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. Just like in your first paragraph, this sentence only serves to exaggerate the lack of voice in the rest of your query. Once again, it'll work, but you need to add personality to the rest of your sentences. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world. These four sentences came out of nowhere. I know you're trying to add another dimension to your character's struggle, but each added dimension has to have a track record in your query. It can't just be mentioned once. If it is, it's not important enough to be in your query.
But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. Why did they kill an eleven year old? As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. Trains how? Who was she? Who is she? and who does she need to be? When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. The answers to what? This last sentence confuses me. I don't know what you mean by Hell having no Furies. As for describing a suicide as a coincidence, that seems kind of...heartless to me. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. Forgiveness?
This last paragraph asks a lot more questions than it answers. You need a clearer outlining of the stakes and what it is your character needs to do to defeat the Furies as well as why she's doing it. Guilt, IMO, is not a strong enough motivator to hinge someone's actions on.
This reads a lot like a brief synopsis rather than an enticing query. Read the back cover of some books as well as successful queries to get a good idea of what info is necessary and how to leave the reader wanting more.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Nov 16, 2013
Query Critique: WALLS OF INFINITY
Original query:
Dear Tyrion Lannister:
Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago.
All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that filthy pig, his father.
He has been preparing all his life to confront his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer. His only clue is something that the pig dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig.
Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions.
My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words. The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
Xander Ironheart
With edits:
Dear Tyrion Lannister:
Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago. Nice, strong open.
All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blamesthat his filthy pig of a , his father.
He has He's been preparing all his life to confront him his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy (comma) and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer (That bit is unneeded and cliche. I'd mention he's the champion of 'the game' here to have more room to describe the game below). His only clue is something ('something' is very vague. Too vague for a query. What is that something?) that the pig (This may be a personal quip, but I don't much like the continued reference to Eric's father as a pig) dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig. (This is the third mention of a pig. I understand you're trying to add voice, but I feel like it can be done more subtly. Also, your wording is a little confusing. At this point, I don't know if Azal is Eric's father or someone equally as 'filthy'. Clarification in a query is key. Don't leave room for questions unless those questions serve to entice the reader. This question just confuses me.)
Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell (Capitalize Hell to clarify that it's the place you're referring to.) with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. Everything you have before this, I like. Needs to be tweaked a bit, but I like it. From 'But' to 'millions' you lost me. To answer your question, yes, the game needs to be clarified. I'm guessing that most of your story takes place inside this game and if we don't know anything about it, we don't know about a large portion of your story. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares (Cliches are query kryptonite. Avoid them at all cost.) are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions (Where are these monsters and millions coming from. You need to make mention of them early on if you want to include them. Otherwise, cut it and expand on the consequence of winning/losing the game and facing his father.).
My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words (Word count's getting into epic fantasy territory so I would throw the word 'epic' in here since that's what your story seems to be. Also, try to cut words wherever possible. 110-115K is more reasonable for a first novel). The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones (Whoa, your comparisons are really ballsy. They're so ballsy that you don't even have to mention authors and everyone knows who wrote them. Comparison titles are okay, but it is always a good idea to avoid exceptionally well-known titles (especially HP) such as these. Also, comp titles should be something an agent has represented. Make sure you've read the work and it IS, in fact, similar to your work. Otherwise, cut the comparison.. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards lowercase 'r' in regards followed by a comma.
Xander Ironheart 'Sign' your query using your real name not a pen name. And if this happens to be your real name, you have the coolest parents in the world.
Dear Tyrion Lannister:
Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago.
All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that filthy pig, his father.
He has been preparing all his life to confront his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer. His only clue is something that the pig dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig.
Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions.
My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words. The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
Xander Ironheart
With edits:
Dear Tyrion Lannister:
Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago. Nice, strong open.
All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames
Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell (Capitalize Hell to clarify that it's the place you're referring to.) with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. Everything you have before this, I like. Needs to be tweaked a bit, but I like it. From 'But' to 'millions' you lost me. To answer your question, yes, the game needs to be clarified. I'm guessing that most of your story takes place inside this game and if we don't know anything about it, we don't know about a large portion of your story. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares (Cliches are query kryptonite. Avoid them at all cost.) are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions (Where are these monsters and millions coming from. You need to make mention of them early on if you want to include them. Otherwise, cut it and expand on the consequence of winning/losing the game and facing his father.).
My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words (Word count's getting into epic fantasy territory so I would throw the word 'epic' in here since that's what your story seems to be. Also, try to cut words wherever possible. 110-115K is more reasonable for a first novel). The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones (Whoa, your comparisons are really ballsy. They're so ballsy that you don't even have to mention authors and everyone knows who wrote them. Comparison titles are okay, but it is always a good idea to avoid exceptionally well-known titles (especially HP) such as these. Also, comp titles should be something an agent has represented. Make sure you've read the work and it IS, in fact, similar to your work. Otherwise, cut the comparison.. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards lowercase 'r' in regards followed by a comma.
Xander Ironheart 'Sign' your query using your real name not a pen name. And if this happens to be your real name, you have the coolest parents in the world.
Nov 15, 2013
Query Critique: THE ALLIANCE
Original query:
Dear AGENT,
Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields, the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart.
Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father.
Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip.
Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust into the middle of a brewing civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors.
As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand, two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict. Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with.
Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words
With edits:
Dear AGENT, colon, not a comma.
Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. Your hook loses steam at the second 'and'. Shorten the first sentence to keep the energy alive. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields (That's a pretty big discovery for your MC AND the reader. With the reveal so early in your query and w/o any explanation as to his power's origin, it's a stretch for the reader to just accept it.), the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. (This is a big bite for the reader to swallow as well. I needed a better understanding of the events that trigger your story. Right now, you're just telling us highlights but it's those small things that connect everything in a manner that makes sense. For instance, your MC's powers don't trigger a civil war. People's response to his abilities trigger the war. Be careful though. Don't weigh your query down with details.
It's a delicate balance.
Also, I would eliminate the morals vs. heart bit. Show us that struggle, don't tell us.
Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father. Lists aren't good in queries. Break the info up and spread it out.
Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip. This paragraph attempts to set up the dynamic between father and son but it fall short of the flare that keeps my attention. The first four words pretty much sum up the majority of this paragraph. The rest is just filler. If you reorganize this sentence to put emphasis on WHY he hates his father rather than the fact THAT he hates his father, it would keep the energy of your query alive.
Use the same language and style in your query that you would use to express fast-paced action in your story.
Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust Struggling to control his powers, Jace is thrusted (That's not the best replacement for this sentence, but what I wanted to show you is that you're wasting space on useless words. Get to the point, don't dance around it.) into the middle of a brewing (I don't like the word brewing here. I'd cut it. That simple word only adds more question.) civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors. This sentence just expanded your story that much further. Now you're talking of two wars going on, not one. You have civil war on one hand and war with an alien species on the other. Unless you're really saying that human have enslave other humans as well as aliens (and the human and alien slaves are uniting to fight the human oppressors). In any case, that needs to be clarified.
As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand (How his Jace starting to understand him? And does that mean Jace accepted his father's recruitment? If so, why?), two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict (The problem with having two love interests in a story of this scope is fleshing out both women enough for the reader to be torn too. It's not enough for JUST Jace to be torn.) . Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with. In the first paragraph you've told us that Jace loathes slavery. I don't understand how a crush can lessen his hatred of enslavement.
Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. (Show me the lesson here don't tell me it. I want to know HOW Jace learns this. The fact THAT he learns it means nothing to me.) Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. This last sentence reads like Hawk dies somewhere in the story. Whether or not that's the case, you're still offering too much info. Also, I had to read it half a dozen times to figure out what you meant, and I still don't have a good grasp of what you're trying to say.
Lastly, Jace's powers don't seem to fit with your story and, from your query, it doesn't seem like I'd get an adequate explanation of their origin. I understand his abilities captured the eye of his father, but after that...you don't mention them again in a way that's important to your story.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words
Take this critique with a grain of salt. I'm just one person and this is one opinion. Good luck.
Dear AGENT,
Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields, the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart.
Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father.
Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip.
Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust into the middle of a brewing civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors.
As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand, two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict. Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with.
Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words
With edits:
Dear AGENT, colon, not a comma.
Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. Your hook loses steam at the second 'and'. Shorten the first sentence to keep the energy alive. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields (That's a pretty big discovery for your MC AND the reader. With the reveal so early in your query and w/o any explanation as to his power's origin, it's a stretch for the reader to just accept it.), the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. (This is a big bite for the reader to swallow as well. I needed a better understanding of the events that trigger your story. Right now, you're just telling us highlights but it's those small things that connect everything in a manner that makes sense. For instance, your MC's powers don't trigger a civil war. People's response to his abilities trigger the war. Be careful though. Don't weigh your query down with details.
It's a delicate balance.
Also, I would eliminate the morals vs. heart bit. Show us that struggle, don't tell us.
Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father. Lists aren't good in queries. Break the info up and spread it out.
Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip. This paragraph attempts to set up the dynamic between father and son but it fall short of the flare that keeps my attention. The first four words pretty much sum up the majority of this paragraph. The rest is just filler. If you reorganize this sentence to put emphasis on WHY he hates his father rather than the fact THAT he hates his father, it would keep the energy of your query alive.
Use the same language and style in your query that you would use to express fast-paced action in your story.
As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand (How his Jace starting to understand him? And does that mean Jace accepted his father's recruitment? If so, why?), two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict (The problem with having two love interests in a story of this scope is fleshing out both women enough for the reader to be torn too. It's not enough for JUST Jace to be torn.) . Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with. In the first paragraph you've told us that Jace loathes slavery. I don't understand how a crush can lessen his hatred of enslavement.
Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. (Show me the lesson here don't tell me it. I want to know HOW Jace learns this. The fact THAT he learns it means nothing to me.) Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. This last sentence reads like Hawk dies somewhere in the story. Whether or not that's the case, you're still offering too much info. Also, I had to read it half a dozen times to figure out what you meant, and I still don't have a good grasp of what you're trying to say.
Lastly, Jace's powers don't seem to fit with your story and, from your query, it doesn't seem like I'd get an adequate explanation of their origin. I understand his abilities captured the eye of his father, but after that...you don't mention them again in a way that's important to your story.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words
Take this critique with a grain of salt. I'm just one person and this is one opinion. Good luck.
Nov 13, 2013
Query Critique Giveaway!
WAIT!
What'd you say?
You heard me.
Critiques will be done by Monday.
Nov 2, 2013
Which Came First, the Story or the Character?
I'm notoriously BAD at outlining/planning anything. Plans just never seem to stick when it comes to me. For example, I went out to see a movie last night (Ender's Game...yeah, it was awesome) and I came back home with thirty pounds of whole chickens. Yeah, even I was thinking 'WTF' as I lugged them into my house.
The truth is, I love the element of surprise.
When I start a book, I have a general idea of what's going on: girl meets boy, girl kills boy, boy possess girl, boy kills girl. The end.
Yerp, that's usually all I have when I walk into a committed book-lationship. It's kind of like getting married after the first date. (Never said my method was the wisest in the world)
It's works for me though. It's time consuming. But it works
My rationale is that novels should be as unpredictable as people and life. No one ever really knows how they will react in a situation until they are actually put in that situation. Personally, I think that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I'll be a well-balanced, sword-wielding ninja who leads a group to safety. Now, I have no martial arts skills whatsoever, but if something as bizarre as a zombie apocalypse happens, then developing insane blackbelt jujitsu moves only seem like a probable next step, right?
 |
| I don't make this. I'm not THAT talented |
My character NEVER follows the path I think he/she will. Hell, sometimes they even break down the wall.
Why? I hear you asking. Why not just make your characters do what you want? It's your characters. It's not like they're real or anything.
To me, my characters are real. They're not me. They're not even extensions of me. They're (stepping into nutty territory here) friends that I grow to love as I understand them more (bad guys included). I try to give each of my characters a past, even if it's not spelled out it text. I give them a favorite color, a best friend, a childhood bully, (personally obstacles such as...) anorexia/bulimia, bed-wetting, an STD, etc.
The reader never discovers half the stuff I know about my characters, but it help them become more real in my mind and on the page. As I grow to learn more about them, I come to realize that 'NO! she wouldn't do that, she would do this.' Even if the 'that' is an integral part of the story.
And I can't come up with their past before hand because then I feel like my character is a product of the story. So, I guess this is my complicated answer for the age-old question: which came first, the story or the character?
I guess, for me, it's a bit of both. But in the end, the character dictates the story, not the other way around.
Thoughts?
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