One on One Contest details.

EDIT: AGENT INTERVIEW WITH POOJA MENON WILL BE ON JANUARY 17TH AT NOON. IF YOU PLAN ON ENTERING THE CONTEST, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SET THAT DATE AND TIME ASIDE.

I know I've been killing you with all this secrecy surrounding the One on One contest. I apologize. Being so near the holidays, I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. Even announcing it was a gamble....

At noon (EST) on January 4th, I will accept the first fifty queries to make it into my inbox. Of those fifty, I will choose the ten best to post to my blog. Equipped with only three votes, the writers who make it into the contest will read through each of the other entries and vote on their favorites. Of course, you can't vote for yourself.

You have only three votes. You can use those votes on one query, or you can use one on three separate queries. How you spend you votes is completely up to you. I will break any ties.

The query with the greatest number of votes will win one on one time (30 minutes) with an agent to ask about anything from query advice to opinions on the current state of the publishing market. Winning doesn't guarantee a request. That is completely up to the agent's discretion. The agent may browse the other nine entries and make requests there as well.

The agent for the contest is the wonderful Pooja Menon. Below is a brief bio and what she's looking for.

Pooja Menon joined Kimberley Cameron & Associates as an intern in the fall of 2011, with the aim of immersing herself in the elusive world of books and publishing. She soon realized that being an agent was what she was most drawn to as the job was varied and challenging. She represents both fiction and non-fiction for Adult and YA markets.

In fiction, she is interested in literary, historical, commercial, and high-end women's fiction. She's also looking for mysteries/thrillers and horrors. She's most drawn to stories with an international flavor, vibrant characters, multi-cultural themes, and lush settings.

In fantasy, she's looking for original, layered plots with worlds as real and alive as the ones that were created by J.K Rowling and Tolkien.

In YA, she's looking for stories that deal with the prevalent issues that face teenagers today. She is also interested in fantasy, magical-realism, and historical fiction. She's also looking for voice driven contemporary (both the light and frothy/romantic angle and the darker ones that deal with darker themes), steampunk, fantasy with a fresh take, mysteries/thrillers, and horror/gothic.


The interview will take place in the comments of a special post on my blog. At the present moment, there isn't an interview date set in stone, but it will be on or after the 15th of January. I'll announce the date as soon as she gets back to me.

Formatting for submissions:
Emails should be sent to catchyemailtitle (at) yahoo (dot) com

Times New Roman or a similar font. No indentation and a line break between paragraphs.

Subject line: Title/Genre

Body of Email:

Full name
Email address
Story Title

Query
(This should be the query only. No bio or the like.)

Just a heads up, if you made it into Nightmare on Query Street you will NOT be picked for the One on One contest so please don't enter. Also, this contest is only open to completed, critiqued, and query ready manuscripts.

Any questions, ask them in the comments.

Visual Examples of Bad Queries

I've had this post archived for a while now because I wasn't sure if it would be helpful. But I'm going to take a gamble and post it anyway. As the title suggests, I'm going to show you what a bad query would look like if it were a movie trailer.

If you think about it, a query and a movie trailer are do the exact same thing. So, without further ado, I present the trailer for World War Z and C Me Dance.




What's right with this trailer.

Okay, so we meet our hero (Brad Pitt), who's a beloved family man. There's an emotional attachment to him because we see him doing what he must to keep his family safe. And I mean, who wouldn't root for a father trying to save his family.

What's wrong with this trailer.

There's a lot of eye-candy (which amounts to shock value in a query). It dazzles, but it the scope of things, it tells us nothing about the movie. We see masses of people swarming and crawling over each other for a reason that isn't even hinted at. When I first saw this trailer (before I watched the movie and heard about the book) I assumed it was people desperate to get away from a greater threat, and because they were 'exposed' the Army was sent in to kill them. More or less, I thought it was Brad Pitt's version of Resident Evil, during Raccoon City's quarantine.

I was surprised to discover it was a zombie movie. *Shrugs* But the zombies were the running kind, so that was pretty cool.

All in all, the trailer gave us a hero to root for and that's about it. The stakes were kind of lame because the family was taken to safety a little more than halfway through the trailer (and you can tell grunt of the story occurred after that). The antagonist isn't made clear, and neither is the conflict. Or what has to be done to resolve the conflict. Those are must-haves in a query.





What's right with this trailer.

Um...the music isn't terrible...and all the spelling was right...mostly. I don't know what the C is for in the title.

What's wrong with this trailer.

Voice is paramount in a query. This trailer is a prime example of what happens when voice is completely omitted. Everything just falls flat. Really flat. Lack of voice doesn't make a query terrible, it just sucks the excitement out of it. Kind of like this...

Batman is a query with no voice. Catwoman, Batgirl, and Harley Quinn are queries with voice.
I don't own this image.

In C Me Dance, we have a protagonist who is a dancer. Um...apparently, the devil wants her to stop dancing so he sends people/demons with weird eyes to appear out of nowhere and stand unreasonable close to her (mind you, I've watched this trailer a dozen times just to deduce that. With an agent, you only get once). Other than that, I have no idea what the story is about. I don't know what happens if she stops dancing or what the devil will do to her if she continues. It isn't clear what the protagonist has to do to ward off the antagonist, and I can't follow the events that transpire.

All in all, the trailer doesn't really give us anyone to root for. The dialogue seems forced and the 'tense' moments fall flat because *shrugs* I don't care about the MC. The voice is non-existent and none of the characters were developed in the slightest way. This trailer compares more to a rough story outline than a query.

Those are the only two trailers I have for now, but if you found this post helpful at all, give me a shout and I'll continue my hunt for trailers that would make for bad queries. I'll also keep my ear to the ground for terrible batman gifs.

Don't forget, contest coming up in January. It's a small contest so keep that in mind. Details coming soon.

A Query Kombat Success

The highlight of my day is when I get the chance to share a writer's success story. The road to publication is long and tough. It's littered with setbacks and failures, harsh critiques and shelved manuscripts. But along the way, you find that inspiring success story that makes you realize that each and every obstacle, each failure, each pothole means something. You get stronger and better as you overcome them. You meet people, you lose touch with people, you find yourself, and--sometimes--you lose yourself. That's a part of the writer's struggle. It's a part of a writer's success.

Now, without further delay, I give you AMY (AJ) PINE's success story.

While this is the story of how I got my publishing deal with Entangled’s Embrace line, it’s also a story about the possibilities offered by writing contests and the wonderfully inviting online writing community.

So, back in May, I entered my first new adult manuscript, IF ONLY, in Query Kombat. My QK name was O Captain My Captain. I know—is she referencing Whitman or Dead Poets Society? Hint: it’s in the book.

If you are a querying writer, then you know. You KNOW. Writing the query is rough. Sending out queries to agents or pubs is terrifying but also exhilarating. Entering your query and first 250 words in an online query contest where you put your pitch out there for others to read and critique? ALL OF THE FEARS. At least, that’s what it was like for me. I had never done a writing contest before, but when Michelle tweeted about Query Kombat, I decided I had to start somewhere. Plus, the contest was accepting new adult entries, and I just happened to have a completed new adult manuscript. A lot of writers entered the inaugural Query Kombat, and there were more entries than there were spots to fill. I was very fortunate to get chosen for one of those spots. I made it in to round one of the contest but lost to my opponent by one vote. It was a fabulous round, really intense, both of us tied for much of it. Throughout all of this, I connected with other Kombatants in the comment fields and on Twitter. Everyone cheered each other on, even those in brackets against each other (me and my opponent included). And even though I didn’t make it through to the next round, I met so many new writer friends and had wonderful notes on my pitch from many of the participants and the judges. I printed out all of the comments and used them to rework my query.

And then I entered another contest.

NA Alley, a great blog for all things new adult, held a pitch contest in June with editors Karen Grove and Nicole Steinhaus of Entangled’s new adult imprint, Embrace. The catch? They didn’t want a whole query. My pitch could only be THREE sentences. So that new pitch I polished using the QK comments—I had to shrink it down to three sentences. With the help of my critique partners, I did. My three paragraph query turned into this:

It’s been two years since twenty-year-old Jordan was in love—which means it’s

been forever since she, well, you know. But now she’s off to spend her junior

year in Aberdeen, Scotland, the perfect place to trade in her reissued V-card.

Sexy, sweet Griffin may be her perfect, no-strings-attached match, yet Noah, the

boy with impossible blue eyes, a knack for quoting her favorite movies…and a

girlfriend, makes her reconsider what love means and how far she’s willing to

go for the right guy.

Two weeks after posting my pitch, NA Alley announced the contest results. Entangled requested my full manuscript, and I submitted to Karen and Nicole on June 25. Entangled is great because they tell you upon submission that you will hear back within thirty days, and I did! Four weeks after my submission, I got an email from Nicole asking if they could have it for a few more weeks. Of course I said yes. Exactly three weeks later, I got an email from Karen Grove asking if we could talk on the phone. Again, YES. We set a call up for a couple days later. I was super nervous on the phone, but Karen was so nice. What’s more, she loved my book and wanted to publish it.

This pitch for this book that I was so scared to put out there, especially in an online contest setting, found a really great home. Now I’m in the middle of edits and hoping to stay on track for a February or March release!

Query Kombat gave this manuscript its start, so thanks Michelle, Mike, and SC for giving me that initial opportunity. Thanks also to freelance editor Taryn Albright for her excellent Reader Report and my wonderful CPs/betas (Jen, Natalie, Megan, Amy, Lucas) who helped me edit the manuscript and pitch and who are still seeing me through revisions as I get closer to publishing.

I guess I’m a pretty good advocate for writing contests. They’ve worked really well for me. If you are considering an upcoming contest (maybe Sun vs. Snow), know that so much good can come from participating, no matter what the outcome. By the way, guys, this all happened before getting an agent. There are so many different roads to publishing, and with IF ONLY, the contest route took me to a really great destination.

          

Amy (AJ) Pine writes stories to break readers’ hearts, but don’t worry—she’ll mend those hearts with a happily ever after…maybe. The first book she wrote was YA, but now she’s two-timing her first love with NA. Her debut new adult contemporary romance, IF ONLY, releases with Entangled Embrace in 2014. She's repped by Courtney Miller-Callihan with SJGA. You can find Amy on twitter: @AJ_Pine, Facebook, and at ajpine.com.

Contest Coming Up in January!!!

Okay, so I know I've been neglecting my blog for a while. I haven't forgotten about it. I'm trying to get my WIP prepared to start querying by January 15th, so I've been neck deep in edits and CPing for others.

One thing I wanted to remind everyone is that I have a small contest coming up. I hope to do it two or three times a year, but we'll see how that goes. Just to give you a sneak peek, the One on One contest is opened to the first FIFTY submissions. There will be only one winner. The prize for that winner is a 30 minute, one on one interview with an agent (via my blog).

That's all you get for now. More details coming soon.

SUCCESS!!!!

I'm extremely happy to announce that Lisa Sills in now repped by the awesome Laura Zats of Red Sofa Literary. Below, she's given us a little recap of her road to publishing adventure. Enjoy.

To start this story, we’re first going to go back to eleven years and half my life ago. I was a precocious kid and I’d always loved reading, so I decided I was going to write a book. And I did. It was called The Sills and the Mystery of the Museum.

Some back info: I’m a quadruplet so I have three brothers the same age as me. Anyway, myself and my brothers were the stars of this novel—particularly one of them, who I liked a bit more at the time. He was a conflicted anti-hero, and I was the star who saved the day. We were super geniuses and we built a laboratory under our little brother’s room that no one knew about. Yeah. I know.

For those of you curious, here’s a photo of me and my brothers:

So anyway, I wrote that book—all 27,000 words of it—and I decided I was going to get it published, but this was eleven years ago and I didn’t have the internet and no one I knew wrote, so my query letter—direct to publishing houses—said: “It’d be cool if you published this before my twelfth birthday.” Did I mention it was handwritten in two copy-books because I didn’t have a computer?

That was the first of the many query letters I sent in my teen years—all for terrible, awful novels written by a precocious 12-15-year-old who had no idea what she was doing.

Tens of rejections followed, and I grew up and got sense and took a break from querying because with age came the awning realisation that my books were a bit rubbish. They had potential and they were all ‘good for my age’, but good for my age wouldn’t get me published.

Around about age seventeen, I discovered literary agents and I decided I wanted one. Since then I’ve written a bunch of books, each of which was a step closer. Rejections became partials, partials became fulls, and fulls became…rejections. Nearly wasn’t close enough.

In the summer before I turned twenty-one, I had this weird idea for a novel about a kid called Nick who combats his troubled past by fighting crime in full-on superhero gear. This was going to be a novel about growing up and moving on and forgiving your past and your demons in small-town Ireland: a Contemporary YA that was weird and strange, dark but ultimately hopeful. I spent two weeks writing Citizens of Optimism—I think I wrote about 6,000 words of it on my 21st birthday, because that’s just how cool I am.

The story from there is pretty self-explanatory. I sent it to CPs and Betas. Early criticism was harsh, but completely true. At one point, I restructured the whole thing. Fast forward maybe seven months and six drafts to this May and it was as finished as I could think to make it. So came the submission process. We’re all familiar with the submission process, so I’ll jump straight to the hard facts:

Queries drafted: 9.

Contests entered: 1. QueryKombat. I was knocked out early on, but the various comments/opinions really helped to make the query stronger.

Queries sent: 14.

Full requests: 5.

Offers: 2.

Agents: 1. Laura Zats, of Red Sofa Literary. I’m not one for indulging in superlatives, so instead I’ll say you know when you sometimes just get a feeling about someone and you think, “this could work?” That was how I knew.

So now here I am, with an agent, and a novel, and another novel in-the-works that I’m really, truly hopeful about. I am my own worst critic, and I opened Citizens of Optimism for the first time since May a couple of days ago, and I had this unrelenting want to cut it all up and make it better.

I’ve grown a lot as a writer in the last year—in fact, I’d say my 21st year was the year I learned to write, and now I have this uncertain future and this uncertain novel , and I guess it’s time to see what happens next?

And it’s terrifying. Everything about this is terrifying. I’m so private about my writing—always have been—and I have a tendency to flip-flop from self-belief to gutting self-doubt in ten seconds flat, so subbing will be…interesting. I’m trying to be better—trying to be more open about my writing, which is half the reason I’m writing this. Still: it’s terrifying!

I don’t know what happens next, but as much as it’s terrifying, it’s breathlessly, achingly exciting.

If you’d like to know a little more about me, you can find my blog here, or read my drivel about film-making, writing, and whatever pops into my head on my twitter.

Query Critique: PRIME

Original Query

Dear Awesome Agent,

In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.

A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts makes her a freak. And the fact that those original parts are covered with tribal scars, received as punishment for crimes against the tribe, makes Ravin untouchable.

When she is harvested for full-body recycling she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.

Terrified by the thought of swapping form a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough but he’s escaped before. When their comm plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body, and heart, can endure to save them, or die trying.

PRIME is a Brave New World meets Frankenstein Sci Fi, with strong romantic elements, complete at 61k words.

Edited Query

Dear Awesome Agent: (colon, not a comma)

In the near future, the sale of body parts was legalized and biology is the new currency Your first sentence has tense issues. I would go with 'In the near future, the sale of body parts will be legalized and biology will become the new currency.'. A finger can buy more food than a dollar ever could. And a full arm can secure your future.

A person’s body is their potential, but Ravin hates her body. She’s still comprised of original parts, and that makes her a freak. The fact that those original parts are covered with markings received as punishment for crimes against the tribe makes her untouchable.

When she is harvested for full-body recycling (Why is she harvested for full body recycling? For money? Why not just sell an arm and 'secure' her future?) comma she’s prepared for an auction where wealthy citizens bid for new bodies. To Ravin’s shock, the citizens love her tribal markings and a bidding war erupts. She’s thrilled with the attention comma until she learns she’s been bought by a woman dying of a terminal illness.

Terrified by the thought of swapping from a flawed body to a dying one, she’s forced to partner with Thorn. He’s dirty and rough comma but he’s escaped before. When their escape plan fails, Ravin must push the limits of what her body and heart no commas here can endure in order to save them, I'd like to know a bit more about what Ravin has to do to save them. Even a little hit would really drive this last paragraph home. I'd tack that sentence on to the end a leave us with the 'or die trying' you had initially.

PRIME is a 61k word Sci fi with strong romantic elements. It is best described as Brave New World meets Frankenstein.

Great query. You have a lot of good stuff here. Good luck with your NOQS requests. Keep us posted.

Query Critique: PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES

Original Query:

Dear Mr. Anthony:

I am writing to you seeking representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end.

Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck.

When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. Getting her life back becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when another scorned housewife joins her cause to reclaim what’s rightfully hers, things really go awry.

Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work, and framing his mistress in the process. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves. She’s a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if she can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in prison instead.

I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense.
I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

Cara


Edited Version:

Dear Mr. Anthony:

I am writing to you to seek representation for my adult psychological thriller, PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES (complete at 83,000 words). In the same vein as Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, the domestic suspense of this novel will keep you turning the page until the mind-blowing twist at the very end. Not a huge fan of revealing the fact that there is a twist at the end, but that may be a personal issue. 

Thirty-something (or forty-something, who’s counting?) Cecelia Laramie strives for excellence like the other housewives in her quiet suburban neighborhood Great opening.. Akin to her elaborate doll collection, she prefers her life neat and pristine. In fact, Cece’s a pro at keeping her obsessive-compulsive behaviors under wraps I don't like this sentence. It doesn't fit as nicely as your other sentences. I would cut it completely and move on to your next sentence. Immaculate house – check. Doting mother and wife – check. Cheating husband – uncheck. This should be 'Faithful husband, uncheck'. The way it's written is like your MC wants her husband to cheat. ie Cheating Husband-check (that means he has a cheating husband)

When she finds out her well-to-do husband is misbehaving, she decides to nip it in the bud – with a baseball bat. Mother always told her to keep her cuckoos in her clock, but it’s time to let those little birdies fly. I love your voice. Great job. Getting her husband back and punishing his mistress becomes Cece’s new obsession, but when (name of character) joins her cause to reclaim the faith of the man she married, things really go awry. (I altered this sentence a little because I had a lot of questions here initially. Then I reread your query and understood what you were trying to say. It's written clearly if you already know your story, but for someone being introduced to it, it got a little tricky. I tried to clarify that it's two women and two husbands rather than two women and one husband. 

Cece’s cutthroat accomplice pushes her to commit crimes throughout New York City, sabotaging her husband’s work no comma and framing his mistress in the process. I've been back and forth with this sentence. I like it but I feel like it would flow better as two sentences. Ask for a second opinion though before you change it. It’s all fun and games until her counterpart introduces deadly weapons into the mix. Cece’s a bundle of nerves; she's a housewife, not a terrorist. Her new partner is nothing but trouble, but if (name of character) can bring her husband back, Cece’s in. She just hopes their plan lands them their husbands and not a spot in Bedford Hills Women's Correctional (I felt like naming an actual prison would be stronger and ground your story better. Bedford Hills is a max. security women's prison in NY)

I was Features Editor of my student newspaper in college and my poetry has been published in the literary magazine, Totem. PRETTY DOLLS AND HAND GRENADES will appeal to fans of psychological thrillers and domestic suspense. I’ve attached my sample pages and hope to hear from you soon. (No exclamation point. This IS a business letter after all.)

Sincerely,
No space here unless you're mailing your query. This space is for signatures. It isn't needed if you're emailing.
Cara

Hope this helps...and I hope you don't mind be posting this to my blog. If you do, give me a shout and I'll take it down. 

Query Critique Opportunity (for me and you)

First THREE people to offer critiques on my query will receive a query critique in return. If you want, I'll even post your query to my blog for public critique. Let me know if you're BRAVE enough for it. Critique will be completed before Thanksgiving but I'll aim to finish them before Monday.

If you've received a crit from me within the last month, I'd love to hear your advice but this critique opportunity is for newish queries.

Special consideration if you write a longer critique (I'm taking a few paragraphs). Comment the time you start the critique first (ie Started 7:27pm) then comment the actual critique. I'll consider the time you started rather than the time you finished.

My Query:

Dear Red Ranger:

Slave to an alcoholic father and therapist to an emotionally dependent brother, sixteen-year-old Damien Crown is the glue holding the shattered pieces of his family together. Between quelling his dad’s rage after happy hour and maneuvering around his brother's tender emotional state, Damien doesn’t have time for friends or school.

Until he wakes up dead.

Killed by an out-of-control driver, not only does Damien wake up in a new body but he also gets a life-coach. Ironically, that life-coach is Death. Granted one more year at life as a new kid in his old school, Damien is no longer bound by the responsibilities of family. No father, no brother, no stress, right?

Wrong. When his brother comes to school with bandaged wrists and a grave demeanor, Damien is dragged back into the problems of his old life. Only this time, he’s forbidden to make any contact under Death’s promise of ‘dire consequences’. Forced to watch from the sideline as his brother deteriorates further in depression, Damien is caught between living his new life and fixing his old one. (One more sentence to drive the stakes home. Been working on it for ages. Haven’t quite got it.)

MY BEST FRIEND, DEATH is a 64,000 word Contemporary Paranormal? that would blah blah blah. Bio…

Sincerely,

Seymore Butts

Thoughts From Outside the Box

Has the world gone crazy or is it just me?

I'm kind of a hybrid kid. I went to college but had to take a leave of absence because my mom (whom I'm living with) makes too much money for Pell grant assistance (according to FAFSA), but not enough to pay for college for me AND my brother (according to math). Thankfully, I will be a full-time student again next year!

But that's not important. The financial aid system is effed up, but that's trivial in the scope of what I'm about to reveal.

I have just discovered that of ALL the people I still talk to from high school (and who didn't complete college) I am the last non-married childless one of the bunch. I'll wait a moment for that to sink in...

Now, I've been thinking about this all day and I've evaluated the situation two ways. 1: There's something wrong with me. I dropped the ball on the whole dating scene and I need to seriously step my game up. I need to meet a nice girl instead of sitting in front of my computer writing about guys meeting nice girls. I need to escape this effed up conundrum.

Or 2: My friends have no idea what to do with their lives now that high school is over. There are no more test, quizzes, football games, projects, gossip, insane teachers, or pretty girls/handsome guys. Their life has no focus anymore...and it ended so abruptly. I mean, one minute you're stressing over finals and the next you're crying to Friends Forever by Vitamin C and planning next years trip to the Homecoming game.

I love you guys. Aww, group hug!

I think my friends don't know what to do at this stage of their lives so they mimic their parents, hoping it'll buy them time to figure out how to be an adult. 'Cause, you know, adulthood is is just like graduating high school. You're sitting at the kid's table one day and the next day some old geezer slaps you with 'Come on, we're all adults here, right?' Like, WTF. When did that happen?

I want to shake my friends stupid. I mean, I know it's the path they chose, but come on. There is an entire world out there. I mean, the earth has 57.5 MILLION square miles of land, of culture, of awesome shish-kabob, and delectable ice cream. Why would you want to take the fast track to living in a box, driving in a box, and working in a box before you had a chance to see, to experience, as much as possible?

Am I crazy to think that way?

Query Critique: THE OATH TAKER

Original query: 

While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally.

Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world.

But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. 

Edited query:

While dealing with her sister’s suicide, seventeen-year-old Morgan Nash discovers her life is a river of hell. Literally. This first paragraph has nothing that makes my ears perk up. The sister's suicide holds no emotional weight because I don't know either the sister or the main character. If you want to make this work, you have to dredge up those universal emotions concerning death of a loved one and personify it using the sister as your catalyst. Hard to do in a few words, but very possible.

Your last two sentences only serves to confuse because I have no idea how a person can literally be a river of hell--side note: capitalize Hell so we know you're referring to the place. 

The lack of voice is made glaringly apparent by the use of the single word sentence at the end. It could work, but not with your current word choice. Word choice is a very important tool that engages the reader and helps them get inside your MC's head. Everyone has a style, a pattern, a rhythm to their voice and word choice. Try to capture that and let it show in your query. 


Morgan follows music no one else seems to hear and meets a river god who tells her she is the River Styx incarnate. This first sentence is telling what's happening in your story rather than showing and engaging the reader. It seems to me that your query (and possibly your story) would benefit if you started AFTER she discovers she's the River Styx and work the back story in briefly so this doesn't seem like a 'chosen one' novel. I've read several agent interview that state they are sick of seeing 'chosen one' novels. I don't know if it's a trend or just personal taste. The Furies—three infernal goddesses who cause madness and death—escaped and it’s her job to send them back to the Underworld. How did they escape and why is it Morgan's job to exorcise them? I have no idea what the River Styx is so you have to drop hints here and there to clarify the greek? mythology. Agents may not have time to do research on your query. Also, you have a telling vs. showing issue with this sentence as well Morgan play the hero? Uh, hell no. Just like in your first paragraph, this sentence only serves to exaggerate the lack of voice in the rest of your query. Once again, it'll work, but you need to add personality to the rest of your sentences. She just wants to graduate and get gone. Her dad’s a drunk while her mom pretends to care. She can’t fix them. She can’t fix the world. These four sentences came out of nowhere. I know you're trying to add another dimension to your character's struggle, but each added dimension has to have a track record in your query. It can't just be mentioned once. If it is, it's not important enough to be in your query.

But guilt propels her to try after the Furies kill her eleven-year-old neighbor. Why did they kill an eleven year old? As she trains, she struggles with who she was, who she is, and who she needs to be. Trains how? Who was she? Who is she? and who does she need to be? When it seems that Hell having no Furies is no accident and her sister’s suicide was no coincidence, Morgan will have to decide just how far she’s willing to go to find the answers. The answers to what? This last sentence confuses me. I don't know what you mean by Hell having no Furies. As for describing a suicide as a coincidence, that seems kind of...heartless to me. Even if it leads her to the Underworld. Even if it leads her to forgiveness. Forgiveness?

This last paragraph asks a lot more questions than it answers. You need a clearer outlining of the stakes and what it is your character needs to do to defeat the Furies as well as why she's doing it. Guilt, IMO, is not a strong enough motivator to hinge someone's actions on. 

This reads a lot like a brief synopsis rather than an enticing query. Read the back cover of some books as well as successful queries to get a good idea of what info is necessary and how to leave the reader wanting more.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Query Critique: WALLS OF INFINITY

Original query:

Dear Tyrion Lannister:

Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago.

All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that filthy pig, his father.

He has been preparing all his life to confront his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer. His only clue is something that the pig dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig.

Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions. 

My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words. The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Xander Ironheart

With edits:

Dear Tyrion Lannister:

Eric wants to give his father a tight warm hug, then shove a sword in him. The hug is for siring him, and the sword is for raping his mother and ruining her life twenty years ago. Nice, strong open. 

All his childhood, Eric endured the arrows of ridicule for being a bastard while his mother lived the life of a whore to survive. For all that, he blames that his filthy pig of a , his father.

He has He's been preparing all his life to confront him his father, but finding one man in the entire world isn't easy (comma) and he only knows his father is a dangerous sorcerer (That bit is unneeded and cliche. I'd mention he's the champion of 'the game' here to have more room to describe the game below). His only clue is something ('something' is very vague. Too vague for a query. What is that something?) that the pig (This may be a personal quip, but I don't much like the continued reference to Eric's father as a pig) dropped near his mother that night and that clue leads him to a man, Azal, who smells like that pig. (This is the third mention of a pig. I understand you're trying to add voice, but I feel like it can be done more subtly. Also, your wording is a little confusing. At this point, I don't know if Azal is Eric's father or someone equally as 'filthy'. Clarification in a query is key. Don't leave room for questions unless those questions serve to entice the reader. This question just confuses me.)

Azal is champion of a game: a game played in hell (Capitalize Hell to clarify that it's the place you're referring to.) with mind, magic, and swords. To get his hands on Azal, Eric has to play and win that game against him. Everything you have before this, I like. Needs to be tweaked a bit, but I like it. From 'But' to 'millions' you lost me. To answer your question, yes, the game needs to be clarified. I'm guessing that most of your story takes place inside this game and if we don't know anything about it, we don't know about a large portion of your story.  But the thought of winning is only laughable because freaks from his worst nightmares (Cliches are query kryptonite. Avoid them at all cost.) are waiting to squash him, burn him, and eat him in the game. Oh, and the game is all that stands between an army of monsters and millions (Where are these monsters and millions coming from. You need to make mention of them early on if you want to include them. Otherwise, cut it and expand on the consequence of winning/losing the game and facing his father.). 

My adult fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at 125,000 words (Word count's getting into epic fantasy territory so I would throw the word 'epic' in here since that's what your story seems to be. Also, try to cut words wherever possible. 110-115K is more reasonable for a first novel). The book will appeal to the adult readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and A Game of Thrones (Whoa, your comparisons are really ballsy. They're so ballsy that you don't even have to mention authors and everyone knows who wrote them. Comparison titles are okay, but it is always a good idea to avoid exceptionally well-known titles (especially HP) such as these. Also, comp titles should be something an agent has represented. Make sure you've read the work and it IS, in fact, similar to your work. Otherwise, cut the comparison.. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards lowercase 'r' in regards followed by a comma.
Xander Ironheart 'Sign' your query using your real name not a pen name. And if this happens to be your real name, you have the coolest parents in the world.

Query Critique: THE ALLIANCE

Original query:

Dear AGENT,

Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields, the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. 

Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father.

Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip.

Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust into the middle of a brewing civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors.

As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand, two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict. Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with.

Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. 

THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words


With edits:

Dear AGENT, colon, not a comma.

Sixteen-year-old Jace Faulkner loathes slavery and the government that condones it, and that was before he became a slave himself. Your hook loses steam at the second 'and'. Shorten the first sentence to keep the energy alive. But when Jace realizes he can manipulate energy fields (That's a pretty big discovery for your MC AND the reader. With the reveal so early in your query and w/o any explanation as to his power's origin, it's a stretch for the reader to just accept it.), the discovery leads to a civil war that sets father against son and Jace's morals against his heart. (This is a big bite for the reader to swallow as well. I needed a better understanding of the events that trigger your story. Right now, you're just telling us highlights but it's those small things that connect everything in a manner that makes sense. For instance, your MC's powers don't trigger a civil war. People's response to his abilities trigger the war. Be careful though. Don't weigh your query down with details. 

It's a delicate balance.

Also, I would eliminate the morals vs. heart bit. Show us that struggle, don't tell us.

Jace's ability to see and control energy catches the attention of Admiral Hawk; notorious leader of the galactic military, Inscribed warrior, and Jace's father. Lists aren't good in queries. Break the info up and spread it out.

Jace has hated Hawk since the moment he learned the name of the man who gave away his only son, but that doesn't stop Hawk from trying to recruit him and his impressive abilities, holding Jace's life in his iron grip. This paragraph attempts to set up the dynamic between father and son but it fall short of the flare that keeps my attention. The first four words pretty much sum up the majority of this paragraph. The rest is just filler. If you reorganize this sentence to put emphasis on WHY he hates his father rather than the fact THAT he hates his father, it would keep the energy of your query alive. 

Use the same language and style in your query that you would use to express fast-paced action in your story.
Though he is still learning to control his new-found powers, Jace soon finds himself thrust Struggling to control his powers, Jace is thrusted (That's not the best replacement for this sentence, but what I wanted to show you is that you're wasting space on useless words. Get to the point, don't dance around it.) into the middle of a brewing (I don't like the word brewing here. I'd cut it. That simple word only adds more question.) civil war. Despite the appearance of vast, impenetrable power, the galactic government is on the verge of splintering. The planets that oppose slavery are whispering of secession and the aliens in the Core worlds are rising up against their human oppressors. This sentence just expanded your story that much further. Now you're talking of two wars going on, not one. You have civil war on one hand and war with an alien species on the other. Unless you're really saying that human have enslave other humans as well as aliens (and the human and alien slaves are uniting to fight the human oppressors). In any case, that needs to be clarified.

As Jace struggles to come to terms with the faceless man he hated and the father he is beginning to understand (How his Jace starting to understand him? And does that mean Jace accepted his father's recruitment? If so, why?), two emerging romances, one with a captured traitor and the other with a government agent, pull him to opposing sides of the conflict (The problem with having two love interests in a story of this scope is fleshing out both women enough for the reader to be torn too. It's not enough for JUST Jace to be torn.) . Now Jace must balance morality against love as he tries to decide which side to align himself with. In the first paragraph you've told us that Jace loathes slavery. I don't understand how a crush can lessen his hatred of enslavement.

Through the unraveling of his father’s story and devastating personal losses, Jace learns that sometimes a fragile heartstring is all that separates good from evil and right from wrong. (Show me the lesson here don't tell me it. I want to know HOW Jace learns this. The fact THAT he learns it means nothing to me.) Jace is left with a choice; to fight for the ideals his father once shared or to bend to the reality of what his father became. This last sentence reads like Hawk dies somewhere in the story. Whether or not that's the case, you're still offering too much info. Also, I had to read it half a dozen times to figure out what you meant, and I still don't have a good grasp of what you're trying to say. 

Lastly, Jace's powers don't seem to fit with your story and, from your query, it doesn't seem like I'd get an adequate explanation of their origin. I understand his abilities captured the eye of his father, but after that...you don't mention them again in a way that's important to your story.
THE ALLIANCE is a Young Adult, Science Fantasy novel complete at 106,000 words
Take this critique with a grain of salt. I'm just one person and this is one opinion. Good luck.