tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post8350617282569460763..comments2023-09-14T17:10:53.917-04:00Comments on Writer's Outworld: QK Round 1: Burning Down the House vs The Connecting ThreadMichaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05934646615884109998noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-4736499041966337932014-06-10T13:23:04.844-04:002014-06-10T13:23:04.844-04:00Gabby - thanks. You've got a great premise fo...Gabby - thanks. You've got a great premise for your book as well. Best of luck with Round 2.J.E. Ramonthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07657407510416837888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-91152603203569505532014-06-06T23:25:54.630-04:002014-06-06T23:25:54.630-04:00A big thanks to everyone from Burning Down the Hou...A big thanks to everyone from Burning Down the House for the great advice. I did some revisions, and am hoping to have a stronger entry going into round 2!<br /><br />Connecting the Thread: I love the premise for your book. When you get it published, I will definitely be grabbing a copy!Gabbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07138437371422682730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-12434982925384304662014-06-04T13:46:22.009-04:002014-06-04T13:46:22.009-04:00Everyone has mentioned the word count on both thes...Everyone has mentioned the word count on both these so I won't. That said...<br /><br />BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE<br /><br />Good intrigue and the query is mostly well written. But the beginning makes it look like it will be from Lillian's perspective but then we later find out the MC is the granddaughter. Make her the focus from the start to avoid confusion. I also think you can hint at her secrets a little bit more. Don't get too specific but give a few more details to make it less vague<br /><br />The first 250- Love the description of the house burning. That's the best image. Some of the stuff regarding the characters themselves reads a bit more dry. If you could make everything as strong as the burning house, it would improve.<br /><br />THE ORCHARD<br /><br />The query- You have a lot of characters in this query. It seems like a lot of vignettes as opposed to a whole story and while that could work, it feels a little choppy and confusing right now. Try to get ideas to flow together a little better. I also think that the hook is a little weak and I don't see the point of mentioning Phillip (I don't see how he connects to the story)<br /><br />The first 250- There are good images here though nothing that stuck out as amazing. The writing is acceptable. I'd like to see a bit more character from Gwendolyn but it is a first 250 so that can be difficult. Strong writing but not mind blowing.<br /><br />I thought both queries had good writing but the query for BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE is a little more organized and cohesive. Victory to BURNING DOWN THE HOUSEGirl with the Golden Pennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-82395788738601669312014-06-04T09:04:44.470-04:002014-06-04T09:04:44.470-04:00THE FARMER'S WIFE
I was totally into the query...THE FARMER'S WIFE<br />I was totally into the query until the last paragraph -- "rich portrayal" sounds a bit like you're tooting your own horn ;) so I'd cut that. You could also combine some of the shorter sentences in the second paragraph to make it flow a bit more smoothly, but that's just nitpicking :)<br /><br />THE ORCHARD<br />The title of this one doesn't really stand out -- I'm pretty sure I know of at least one published novel with the same title, so you might consider something a bit more attention-grabbing. Not a huge fan of the quote within the query, and I'd cut the "compelling tale... that will engage readers" parts -- sounds like tooting your own horn ;)<br /><br /><br />Victory to Burning Down the HouseRiver Tamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-49131128998170037822014-06-04T07:45:20.461-04:002014-06-04T07:45:20.461-04:00Burning Down the House
I like the premise. Mysteri...Burning Down the House<br />I like the premise. Mysteries and secrets are always intriguing. I was a little confused why it emphasized Lillian’s secrets though, since I assume what they find has to do with secrets Samuel was keeping. Also, in the middle of paragraph two, I’d have it read as “Together, as they sift through what the fire left behind, they unearth…” Also, “A rich portrayal of rural life” felt like a bit of an oxymoron, since rich and rural don’t typically go together (and the query suggests a more humble life, at least to me anyway).<br /><br />I thought the 250 was especially well written. The only thing that confused me was the POV. If the book is going to be from Jody’s perspective, then I’d argue the query should focus on her as well. Right now it focuses on Lillian and sets her up as the main character.<br /><br />The Connecting Thread<br />My only comment on the 250 is to consider a stronger opening line. Something that really grabs the reader. Other than that I thought it flowed well.<br /><br />In the first line of the actual pitch (i.e., skipping over the preamble), we have three names thrown at us in quick succession and I already feel a bit lost. And since neither one seems to factor into the rest of the query, I think you could drop any mention of them in order to streamline things. The second paragraph really confused me, because it gives the impression that the book is really a series of vignettes or something, all featuring different people. That’s fine, but if that’s the case then I’d argue that should be clear in the query form the beginning. Right now the first half sets it up as a traditional book focusing on one main character (i.e., Gwendolyn).<br /><br />Best of luck to both entries!Wade Whitehttps://twitter.com/wadealbertwhitenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-13442607046370071172014-06-03T13:45:53.302-04:002014-06-03T13:45:53.302-04:00These are gorgeous! Both are evocative and really ...These are gorgeous! Both are evocative and really well written. The slim word count doesn't bother me, just more time to read both! :) Laranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-17031770845686140932014-06-03T12:52:19.350-04:002014-06-03T12:52:19.350-04:00Two very interesting premises here!
Burning Down ...Two very interesting premises here!<br /><br />Burning Down The House: I think your query is almost there. There are a few certain spots where I think you can cut back on your words to have the query read a little smoother (i.e. cutting adverbs like helplessly in the first paragraph). <br /><br />Also, I think you can cut your final line. Your sinker needs to be something that grabs your reader by the throat and urges them to read more. Your final line in the second paragraph does the job nicely.<br /><br />Your first 250 really threw me off as I thought (based on the query) that this story was going to be told from Lillian's POV not Jody's. With this in mind, I think you need to rethink your approach in your query. <br /><br />Opening with the fire is a great visual but there is a lot of telling going on. The fire provides an opportunity to really immerse the reader in a visceral reaction. The feel of the heat on Lillian's skin. The smell of the burning wood, the aching loss Lillian feels at losing everything she's ever treasured. All of these senses, in my opinion, would make for a powerful start.<br /><br />The Connecting Thread: I love the idea of a generational drama having the land being the central tie to the stories. I would recommend cutting your first line and getting right to the meat of your query. <br /><br />Because your story takes place over a span of many years, you need to be careful about how you approach each character's plight. I found myself getting lost in all the POVs you presented in the query. <br /><br />First 250: I see this happen time and time again, and I always caution people about opening with any description of weather as it does nothing to build character. The thunderstorm can drum up emotions/memories in your MC, but it should not be the focus of the open because it does nothing to move your story forward. <br /><br />I went back and forth on my vote here, but after some long deliberation the victory goes to: Burning Down the HouseTiny Tornadonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-43131882938339466362014-06-02T11:06:50.303-04:002014-06-02T11:06:50.303-04:00A quick note to you both: I won't spend much t...A quick note to you both: I won't spend much time on this, since other judges have already addressed it, but your word counts are both very lean for your genre. You might consider having CPs or beta readers go through your MS before querying agents with the goal of finding places that feel too 'thin', so you can flesh out certain scenes. <br /><br />Burning Down: After reading your query, it seems to me that your MC is Jody, but I wasn't quite sure. I wondered at times if this is supposed to be a dual narrative, in which case, you should consider having one paragraph from each woman's perspective in the query and just making it clearer overall whose POV the story will be told from. I also felt like the parts about unearthing secrets were too vague. What secrets does this family have that set them apart from others? It might benefit you to be more specific here, as specifics allow readers to better connect with your characters and care about your story.<br /><br />I must say, though, I'm intrigued by the part about the true cause of the house fire...!<br /><br />In your first 250, I was confused by the lack of emotion. Your MC's grandfather is buurning to death, yet the story is being narrated with a cold detachment that felt completely at odds with the events in the scene. Even if she hated her grandfather, she'd probably be feeling SOMETHING. Or, if she's numb with shock, there are ways to convey this as well--unresponsiveness to other characters, for instance, or unfocused thoughts. Don't get me wrong, the writing here is beautiful, but the scene falls apart for me in the lack of emotion.<br /><br />Connecting Thread: I felt there were some POV issues with your query. Meaning, I couldn't tell who your MC was, or whether there will be multiple MCs. (I'm assuming it's the latter, and that this story follows the lives of several people through different chapters). Consider removing that long quote form your story and instead telling us more about what's going to happen throughout the course of the novel.<br /><br />Your opening page was slow, there's no denying. However, the writing was beautiful, especially the last paragraph. That's where I really began to connect with Gwen, and because of that, I'd read on.<br /><br />Based on feeling more connected to Gwendolyn than I did to Jody/Lillian-<br /><br />Victory to The Connecting Thread!Khaleesinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-87103457764887080432014-06-02T09:10:23.433-04:002014-06-02T09:10:23.433-04:00To both of you: These word counts concern me. I ...To both of you: These word counts concern me. I worry that you won't get far with agents with sweeping stories that are so short. Having said that, if I were a judge, I would have a great deal of trouble choosing here. Both concepts are great, and the queries and 250s are both very strong. The above comments are on point, though. Good luck! Both great ideas!kristinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-4457114433940342592014-06-01T19:51:02.073-04:002014-06-01T19:51:02.073-04:00BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
I like the premise of th...BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE<br /> <br /><br />I like the premise of this query, but overall felt like it was flat, almost distant. <br /><br />This woman’s whole world is burning up in front of her and yet we’re given no emotion. Jody isn’t any better. This was her childhood home and her father. I feel like the hook here could be a lot stronger too.<br />You tell us Lillian had secrets – what kind, be specific. What is the main plot of your book? Right now I feel like that’s the secret. You need to give us the stakes – what problem does Lillian have to overcome and what bad thing happens if she doesn’t?<br /><br />If you have to tell us that it’s “a rich portrayal”, you didn’t show us enough with your words.<br /><br />You have a lovely gift with verse. Your opening page is melodic, almost hypnotic as you describe the fire. I’m interested and would read more. <br /><br />But I’m also curious why Jody isn’t giving us any emotion. She almost feels stunted, distant, for someone so intimately involved.<br /><br />THE CONNECTING THREAD<br /><br />Is the first paragraph your hook? If so, it’s very generic. If not, you need a hook, as the next paragraph doesn’t have one. <br /><br />Overall, I got a bit lost in your query. I’m a bit confused how the book flows. Is Gwen the MC throughout the whole book or just until she sells and then the other characters take over? If she exists when she sells, then the MC is really the land and I think you should give a shot at writing the query from the land’s point of view. As is, I’m not quite sure what the stakes are and who I should be rooting for.<br /><br />I loved the closing with eminent domain. I’m not usually a fan of these “this book is a compelling tale” endings, but I think yours works.<br /><br />How much I like your opening would be dependent on whether Gwen is the MC or not. If she disappears, then I feel like you should start with the Orchard. I like Gwen well enough, but after the first 250, I’m not begging for more (but not wishing for less either). I’d keep reading to see where it went.<br /><br />TO BOTH AUTHORS – 60K is short for Lit Fic. Consider addressing.<br /><br />This was one of the toughest match ups I’ve judged. Both entries have pros and cons. I feel like the voice is stronger in Connecting but the writing spoke more to me with Burning. Ultimately, I’m left wondering what secrets Lillian is keeping. I already know the Orchard bites the dust and is taken by the government. Based on that (and my love for the Talking Heads)<br /><br />– Victory Burning Down the House<br />Allusion Assassinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-61936475818334174112014-06-01T16:05:36.066-04:002014-06-01T16:05:36.066-04:00Burning down the House: Wow, what an entry! So imp...Burning down the House: Wow, what an entry! So impressed. Your query is strong, your 250 even stronger! My only suggestion is to somehow make the first paragraph of your query also from your MC's POV instead of Lillian's (unless Lillian is actually your MC, then make the 2nd para from hers). Make sense? It would just help the flow. Fantastic entry. Good luck!!!<br /><br />The Connecting Thread: What a neat concept. I love the idea of following the people on the plot of land. For the query, I'm wondering if you could start with the second paragraph instead of your word count and summary. It would be a stronger hook, I think. Also, I'm not sure about including such a long quote in the second paragraph. Is there another way to show how she's feeling? The paragraph telling about the newcomers, and the final paragraph are strong, as is your 250. Good luck!Judy Clemenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04905294558438773987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-64214100842204064272014-06-01T14:36:08.907-04:002014-06-01T14:36:08.907-04:00Burning Down the House: 60k is a bit too short for...Burning Down the House: 60k is a bit too short for adult fiction, I think. Your query is a little dry, and I don’t know whose POV the story is from – Jody or Lillian? Make that clear and then infuse some of that voice into the story. I also think your query would be much more enticing if you at least hinted at what some of these secrets are. At the moment, while it’s nice and clear, it’s not quite grabbing me.<br /><br />We don’t learn whose POV this is until the third paragraph. There’s some nice descriptive writing, but it feels off to me – if she’s basically watching her grandfather burn to death at that very moment, unless you’re making a point of her being unfeeling or numb with shock, I think the scene should be much more emotional. Also I only know what’s burning because of the query – I’d tell us it’s her grandparents’ house, we need to be more grounded. At the moment, all I know is there’s a fire, I need more out of a first page to hook me.<br /><br />The Connecting Thread: Again, 60k is very short for adult fiction, especially for a story spanning generations, I can’t see how you’ll fit all that life into such a short space. Also, the query really isn’t the place to quote from your story. Tell us those sentiments as narration, if you like, but I wouldn’t recommend quoting yourself. Overall, just from the query, this sounds like it could be an interesting tale, but it’ll all come down to the execution, as so often in literary fiction...<br /><br />Your opening page is fine, it takes us gently into Gwendolyn’s world, and the storm provides an edge. However, if there isn’t much of a hook to begin with, as there often isn’t in lit fic, I expect either an unusual and compelling POV character, or for the language to sweep me away, and that isn’t quite happening here. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of it, but there aren’t any turns of phrase that make me go ‘ah, lovely’, or anything that particularly strikes me about Gwendolyn yet.<br /><br />Victory to The Connecting Thread.<br />OmarCominnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-45356961186014821542014-06-01T09:10:17.335-04:002014-06-01T09:10:17.335-04:00THE FARMER'S WIFE:
This is a beautifully-writt...THE FARMER'S WIFE:<br />This is a beautifully-written query. However, it makes me think that the MC is the grandmother, so it's confusing to me when I start reading the 250 and see that it's Jody. If the book is told in dueling POV, it might help to mention that in the query. I also know that many agents want a sentence about what's at stake - what's Jody likely to lose? We know that her grandmother has lost everything.<br /><br />In the first 250, you've got one straight quote and one smart quote in the apostrophe in the end. And that's really the only suggestion I can make. The imagery pulls me in. I would definitely keep reading.<br /><br />THE ORCHARD:<br />I love this idea, too. You've got a great hook - I know immediately what's happening, and I'm already intrigued. There's also a mixture of straight and smart quotes in the query. They say to limit the number of names used in a query. Because the third paragraph seems necessary, I'd consider taking out Phillip and Charlie. I think that paragraph could be shortened. Also, I personally don't like the fact that the last sentence gives away the ending. A query isn't a synopsis - leave us wondering what happens.<br /><br />I love the voice in the first 250, and the use of language to show it's set in the past (like "took a double fright").<br /><br />Both entries are fantastic. Good luck to both of you.L.H.https://twitter.com/LH_Writesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-8986491321741647822014-06-01T07:36:35.860-04:002014-06-01T07:36:35.860-04:00This space reserved for judge feedback and votes.This space reserved for judge feedback and votes.Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.com