tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post5588365425691273156..comments2023-09-14T17:10:53.917-04:00Comments on Writer's Outworld: Qk Round 3: Elementary Girl vs. Broken JarMichaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05934646615884109998noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-13495341643406622572013-06-17T12:58:40.596-04:002013-06-17T12:58:40.596-04:00GOOD GOSH THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!
Urghhhhh.
Victory...GOOD GOSH THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!<br /><br />Urghhhhh.<br /><br />Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL.<br /><br />Although I'd MUCH rather read BROKEN JAR (YA Alt Historical is just not my genre, and I love dark YA), the query of EG was tighter and voicy-er. But I loved (woah, I was about to make an acronym out of 'Broken Jar' and stopped myself just in time) Broken's 250--the voice, the softness, the beautiful writing.<br /><br />I love how Broken's query is almost thriller-like, but in the end, it came down to how concise and tight the query was. Yes, I know! Nitpicks!X-Man(uscript)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-90461924460622035692013-06-17T10:17:25.693-04:002013-06-17T10:17:25.693-04:00As Dragonfire said, when entries are this much imp...As Dragonfire said, when entries are this much improved, the voting can come down to a matter of taste. I'd vote for ELEMENTARY just because I can't even envision how BROKEN JAR is going to keep the boyfriend a sympathetic character after he hit his girlfriend.<br /><br />A whole lot of the reading public will not care what the reason is -- unless it's a supernatural explanation and another entity invaded his body.<br /><br />I think Broken Jar needs something(?) in the query to make a literary agent care enough about Clare's pursuit of a reason her boyfriend 'snapped'. What makes Clare think the hit was an anomaly and not the start of an abusive relationship?<br /><br />Good luck to you both.Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-27747243469247511302013-06-16T23:20:12.965-04:002013-06-16T23:20:12.965-04:00Victory to BROKEN JAR
Both are well written and s...Victory to BROKEN JAR<br /><br />Both are well written and stories I'd love to read. It came down to which character I connected with in the first 250-words. Stormnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-376782695964057232013-06-16T13:53:50.329-04:002013-06-16T13:53:50.329-04:00Victory to BROKEN JAR
I agree this was a very dif...Victory to BROKEN JAR<br /><br />I agree this was a very difficult pairing to choose from. I think it's probably important to note that individual judges have tended to consistently choose either humor OR drama when it's close. That's not a negative comment, just pointing out the subjectivity inherent when grammar, craft and voice are all well-honed and <i>something</i> has to be used as a tie-breaker. When it's that close, there really is no <i>right</i> or <i>wrong</i>.<br /><br />EG: Your query and 250 are both strong. It came down to personal preference on this one, and I wasn't sure how much time I wanted to spend with someone who seemed to me a bit petty and judgmental over the pronounciation of her unusual name. I recognize you're helping readers to get it right, but if they got it wrong, the dissing by the MC would by implication extend to them. That might alienate them right off the bat.<br /><br />BJ: Yours is a premise I'd still be willing to go along with, provided the payoff at the end didn't excuse the bf's behavior in any way. One tweak to the query: wouldn't it be "And even *when* it means learning the scariest..."? Dragonfirenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-78261563559077807882013-06-16T08:55:58.704-04:002013-06-16T08:55:58.704-04:00Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL.
Gah, this was so hard...Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL.<br /><br />Gah, this was so hard! It really came down to what story I connected with best and I would want to read at this time. The concept of Elementary Girl just really grasps me. Both queries and great and both first 250's have stellar voice. Good job!<br />SavageBluehttp://lizzycharles.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-20771913966569468132013-06-16T07:48:25.329-04:002013-06-16T07:48:25.329-04:00Victory to BROKEN JAR
These are both excellent en...Victory to BROKEN JAR<br /><br />These are both excellent entries and the queries are great in both cases. I did feel that the query for Broken Jar was super smooth and that gave it the slight edge in my mind. I also had a hard time getting past the similarities behind the premise of Elementary Girl and The Selection and was looking for more reasons why this was something so different from that story. I think maybe a bit more about the mystery would have helped distinguish it for me. Since the contest is just to find a spouse for the royal, I didn't really care as much as I'd need to that it was being rigged. I suspect the stakes might be higher, but it wasn't clear to me from the last paragraph of the query.Hedgehognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-6026939078947317542013-06-15T17:37:36.667-04:002013-06-15T17:37:36.667-04:00Elementary Girl: In the query, it’s hard for me to...Elementary Girl: In the query, it’s hard for me to fully understand the stakes, because they don’t connect enough with what’s spelled out in the query (I’m referring in particular to the part where she risks losing Simon forever part; how and why?). Also, it seems off when it’s mentioned the MC smells something odd about the contest, because then that’s not mentioned again until the end of the query when she unearths somebody pulling contest strings/the government secret. So the first mention of things feeling off feels unconnected/stuck there in the middle of the query. In the 250, it’s “damned,” not “damn.” Also, maybe I’m missing something, but where are the characters? And who is the MC talking to? Neither are established as far as I can tell, so they seem like they’re just floating there, ungrounded. Great voice, though. A very distinct character I’d love to follow for a book and/or series.<br /><br />Broken Jar: In the query, I’m a little unsure of the stakes. It looks like the MC’s story quest is to unearth what made her ex-boyfriend snap, which is great and interesting. But that makes me wonder, what will happen if she fails or if her ex-boyfriend finds out about this quest he’d clearly not be keen about? If you can spell out the consequences there, I think the query would be stronger.<br /><br />Good luck to both entries!Chris Vhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00628682876855958199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-17670092882922860742013-06-15T16:00:12.752-04:002013-06-15T16:00:12.752-04:00Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL
THIS WAS REALLY HARD! ...Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL<br /><br />THIS WAS REALLY HARD! I'm bummed that I have to vote between these two. Both are excellent queries. Every time I read Broken Jar's 250, I get chills. <br /><br />It came down to world-building. I want to immerse myself in this alternate universe and learn what it's like to be a 21st Century Colonial. <br /><br />Good luck to you both. You're both fantastic. <br /><br />Flamenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-85247946799287613512013-06-15T13:34:54.169-04:002013-06-15T13:34:54.169-04:00Elementary Girl: This is my first time reading thi...Elementary Girl: This is my first time reading this query and 250 and I loved it! The snark runs deep throughout the query and it really did match the voice quite well in the first 250. I think the query could be trimmed a bit and still work just as well. Perhaps condensing it so the focus is more on the contest and prize (whom she has to marry) and the stakes of losing Simon if she follows her nose (which you set up very well).<br /><br />Broken Jar: I remember this one from round two! Like I said before, the issues you bring up are heavy and would make for a compelling story. I could totally see this being a cathartic read for someone who had experienced something like any of the MCs will go through. My only suggestion would to be to put more emphasis on Clare's journey to discover why Jesse snapped. Everything before 'There has to be a reason he snapped, and Clare’s going to find out what it is' was good, but that line really revved the whole query up. Maybe moving that toward the beginning would help.<br /><br /><br />Awesome job to both of you and best of luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01393809664039054658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-91033483318948250872013-06-15T13:23:51.130-04:002013-06-15T13:23:51.130-04:00Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL!
This was a personal p...Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL!<br /><br />This was a personal preference because both are excellent.<br /><br />EG: I love the humor. I identify with a girl who doesn't like this whole rigmarole involved with being suddenly in the spotlight.<br /><br />Borken Jar: Your new query makes me see there is much more to the story than the slap. I can see now why she would be willing to overlook it, if she could get to bottom of his troubles.Goldilocksnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-11258735323903656722013-06-14T23:33:04.058-04:002013-06-14T23:33:04.058-04:00Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL
Both of these are beau...Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL<br /><br />Both of these are beautiful entries. Brilliantly written and excellently executed. It came down to preference for me. Good luck to you both!LittleMynxnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-85283460019300833342013-06-14T14:03:18.777-04:002013-06-14T14:03:18.777-04:00Elementary Girl
The query is much better—clearer a...Elementary Girl<br />The query is much better—clearer and concise. My only question now is the international nature of it. I had originally thought it was an Esther story, of how to win the crown. But apparently other countries are involved. And it is not clear who she has to marry—not Simon, apparently.<br /><br />I love the tone and voice in the 250 but it does make me wonder where we are in the story. Apparently after the contest and the winner? Or maybe not. I would keep reading though.<br /><br />Broken Jar<br />The query is so, so much better. It is clear, concise, and motivated. Since you called it YA contemporary, I am still unclear on what “answer” we are looking for, concerning the abuse. Drugs. Father beats him. Temper issues. Nothing compelling really comes forward. But you obviously have a solid grasp on the story and I trust that I am in good hands. <br /><br />I always loved the watch section and I feel like you could take us on an introspective ride. The slightest hint towards a satisfying conclusion would help me (but it might just be me.)<br /><br />Good job and good luck to you both!<br />Nicole Amslerhttp://www.nicoleamsler.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-81261535074537235352013-06-14T08:54:27.571-04:002013-06-14T08:54:27.571-04:00Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL
Marigny is a character ...Victory to ELEMENTARY GIRL<br />Marigny is a character I would like to get to know better. I really enjoyed the strong, humorous voice. Well done!Ultravioletnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3034511096795820355.post-37167701203677235632013-06-14T04:20:37.658-04:002013-06-14T04:20:37.658-04:00This comment is reserved for judges' votes onl...This comment is reserved for judges' votes only.Michael Anthonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16089879383750676003noreply@blogger.com